January 21
 
 
 
 

Would it be too gross for you all if I told you that the jeans I am wearing are so dirty, they might actually be able to get up and walk around on their own?  Would that be too nasty?  If so, sorry, because I definitely think it's true.  This neverending cold snap in the weather has turned me into a really nasty person, even moreso than usual.  I mean, I typically do my laundry once a week.  For whatever reason, this particular pair of jeans have not seen the laundry basket, EVER, since I bought them about 2 months ago.  Consider that.   I am a dirty, dirty girl.
 

In case you aren't on my notify, you missed the fact that my car got keyed last week, the one time I actually paid to park INDOORS at work.  It was snowing when I left the house, and since I usually park in an open lot, I figured that parking outside would just mean I had to clean off my car AGAIN for something like the 80th time since winter started.  LITTLE DID I KNOW that some pig fucker would KEY ME.  And I mean, it's not like I parked in someone's special spot.  It's NOT LIKE I parked right on top of someone.  As I said in my notify, I hope the person who did it gets rectal cancer, and I stand by it.  Who keys a car?   What kind of person DOES that?  I have 50 payments left on it.  FIFTY.  Going by what I pay every month, that equals $18,558.50 still unpaid.  On some, lighter colored cars, you don't so much notice a keying.  On a black car?  You really do.  Rectal cancer may be too good for the person who did it.  I hope they're one of the myriad of smashed up cars I've seen on the road since the great ice age started in New England last week, and believe me, there have been a LOT.
 

Perhaps there have been so many accidents because the people who've been plowing the streets take bong hits before or as they plow, otherwise I can't imagine why every street is only half cleared, leaving the part where your tires hit the road under 4 inches of solid ice.  I don't know how it is where you are, but here in Connecticut we pay roughly a MILLION BILLION dollars in taxes each year, assumedly for shit like snow plowing and ice removal.  Maybe someone missed the memo where it stated "REMOVE the ice!!"  Maybe, when a plower reads something while they're high, or mid bong hit, they read "REMOVE the ice" as "Drive down every street with the plow down, but shove all the snow onto the parked cars so they can't get out, and everyone has to drive around them, and no matter WHAT, DO NOT BREAK UP THE ICE.  Driving on ice is exciting!  We can watch people skid all over it from a nearby parking lot and take bets on which hotshot with the 4 wheel drive is going to hit a pole first!!!"  I'm stunned by the bad job they did.  Seriously.  Driving to work every morning has been a little like a death luge.  Just today, there was a monster traffic jam on a road that typically moves pretty quickly.  As I inched along, I wondered what the holdup was.  The unbroken sheet of ice we were all driving on?  A flock of geese?  A UFO sighting?

You know sometimes you see something that doesn't make sense, so your eye rejects it without really taking it in?  Well, that's what happened when I got to the school van, turned the wrong way down the one way street, smashed into some 4 x 4 vehicle.  I thought "Self, something is not right here" and it took me a half block before I realized that the bus was pointing the wrong way.  I'm not the quickest person normally, but at 8:15, I'm practically brain dead.  That accident will bring the ice related accidents witnessed by me total up to about 15.  IN TWO WEEKS.  Thanks, New Haven Public Works.  You guys are right on the money.   All I know is that if I get into an accident because of some fuck non plowing fuck wit, I'm SUING THE CITY.  And then, I'm going to move.  FOREVER.
 
 

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