March 18
I've been a little bit down the past week, and haven't been able to come up with a single thing to write about. The exact cause of my funk is really kind of unknown, it's a lot of little things. Friday was the king of all shitty days. It being Monday now, you would think that I wouldn't remember WHY the day was so shitty, but I do, lucky for all of you:
Why Friday Sucked Balls:
1.) Person in Jeep with handicapped tag hanging from mirror ignores handicapped spot DAILY, parking in TWO normal spots, because their handicap must is apparently depth perception and parking ability. I was unware they passed out handicapped tags for that, but they do!
2.)
Haiku for Deletion:
where there were once words
now there is gentle haiku
too much sharing: bad
3.) So, when you go to Staples, and the dipshit $5.50 an hour moron working there INSISTS that you can use inkjet photo paper in a laserjet paper, do not believe him. When you stick inkjet paper into a laserjet, the laserjet will vomit ink all over the paper, and all over the next 100 pages you try to print. When said dipshit tells you that you can special order the laserjet photo paper? Also don't believe him. Why? Because such a product does NOT EXIST!!
4.)
Haiku for Deletion:
where there were once words
now there is gentle haiku
too much sharing: bad
5.)
Haiku for Deletion:
where there were once words
now there is gentle haiku
too much sharing: bad
6.) In case you all didn't know, turdmonster.com has suddenly become stupidly popular (thanks to the infamous kitten photo. Please stop mailing it to me, I've seen it, about 500 times). I checked the page's stats, and found weird links. One of them lead to some 17 year old's page who just ganked a photo off the site and never credited me. I wrote him politely asking for him to remove it, or give me a link. He replied by calling me a bitch and giving me a list of reasons he wouldn't take it down. He did, though, the next day, but in the meantime, I hope he enjoys the Mormons coming to his house. Then, I found someone calling me "the stupidest fucking person in the entire world!" because of turdmonster.com. You may or may not agree with him, but I emailed him saying: "I do not believe I am the stupidest person in the entire world, but thanks for the vote of confidence". He wrote back "I have 5 word for you: "Raaar, shut the fuck up, you whiney bitch". Aside from pointing out that that was way more than 5 words, I had no idea what to say. It became obvious pretty quickly that the guy was not too smart, so I just started bouncing his mail.
7.) Gym at 7:00 on a Friday night still jammed with people. Don't they have DATES or FRIENDS or something? I mean, I'm old and married. I'm not going anywhere on a Friday night, but hot little perky butt chickypoos ought to be home fluffing their hair and applying their sea green eyeshadow for a night at a bar, ending in horizontal fun with a sweaty stranger. Also, if there is an entire row of empty treadmills, is it necessary to choose the machines on either side of me? Is it? I mean, what the fuck? You couldn't take your 100 pound self to the OTHER end to do your enthusiastic 10mph 30 minute sprint? Jesus Christ.
8.) Oh, know what was on TV? Besides the always cheerful CNN ("Wolf Blitzer Reports: In My Humble Opinion. Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm not humble!" Next!") and the total waste of time ESPN (I can't even come up with something to say about ESPN, it's so lame), they've tuned a few of the TVs to A&E, which was featuring the Paralympics. Brave athletes, they are, but I defy you to keep a straight face when one legged skier says to reporter "He did really well on the last leg of that run!" or "The last two legs were almost impossible!!" Heh. That being funny aside, come on. COME ON. The PARALYMPICS??
Bitch bitch bitch. Really, I have nothing to be upset about. Not when I've got THIS to look forward to:
You are invited to celebrate
Educational Monolith Administrative Professionals' Appreciation Day 2002!Educational Monolith will be holding its second annual Administrative Professionals' Appreciation Day celebration on April 24, 2002. In recognition of the day, the OD & Learning Center will host a series of events during the course of the day for Educational Monolith's administrative staff members. Educational Monolith's main goals in celebrating Administration Professionals' Day are to promote lifelong learning, provide professional development activities, and celebrate Educational Monolith's Administrative Professionals.
The events are open to administrative personnel on both sides of campus and will feature hour-long training workshops designed to be both fun and informative. Participants may attend workshops with the approval of their supervisors. Please REVIEW the days events, DISCUSS attending the workshops with your supervisor, obtain appropriate AUTHORIZATION, then REGISTER for workshops online.
The mid-day lunchtime event will be a workshop with Condescending Retard Woman. Back by popular demand, CRW will get you pumped up to take control of you life in her workshop entitled "How To Create A Life That You LOVE" from 11:30-1:00. A light lunch will be served.
By attending a workshop, you will receive a gift bag and be eligible to win a raffle prize. Prizes include a year's subscription to OfficePro magazine, a certificate for a free Educational Monolith ITS Education class computer training class, a free computer training class at New Horizons...and more!
All office support staff of the Educational Monolith are invited to participate: Senior administrative assistants, administrative assistants, office coordinators, secretaries, and receptionists. For more information and to register please click here.
Class sizes are limited, please register today!
Please pass this information along to any Administrative Professional co-workers that do not have access to email.
Thank you!
Doesn't that sound like a great time? Aren't the raffle prizes FABULOUS? A subscription to OFFICEPRO?! Wow. That's a useful thing to have! Also, it's nice that they keep repeating how we can't just sign up on our own, but that we have to get our Supervisor's permission! Never do anything without permission!! Doesn't that kind of go against what the Condescending Retard Woman is trying to do? Get me pumped up to take control of my life? How the FUCK can I take control of my life if I'm not even allowed to attend a workshop that's being held DURING LUNCHTIME without permission?
Since it sounded so great, I decided to check out the website to learn more about what the day had in store. I figured it would be 50 or so Admins, sitting in a circle, eating their Slim Fast lunches, complaining about how they weren't allowed to get new PENS or something. "I keep having to carry the ink in my mouth and filling the pens myself. AND I have to buy the ink WITH MY OWN MONEY!!" "Oh yeah? I still use a TYPEWRITER because my department won't purchase a computer" (note: I gleaned that from the closing of the email about passing on the information along to email-less Administrative Professionals. Who DOESN'T have email?) "I don't know what the two of you are complaining for! We don't have a fax machine, so whenever someone wants to send us something, they have to call, and I write it all down using my Gregg Shorthand, and then type it up! The faxes with pictures included are a real pain in the keister!"
Here's what I found:
What is Administrative Professionals' Day?
[snip. You'll be sad to hear that it was so, so boring, I decided it wasn't worth including, and I skipped that section. If you're fascinated about the name of the day changing from Secretary's Day to the utterly repulsive Administrative Professional's Day, I suggest you read until your little heart is content here, and then seek help, because no one sane could possibly give a shit about something that unimportant.]
One-Hour Skill Sharpeners
Gain the skills that are essential in todayís workplace ...
How to ensure that your documents are read by improving page appearanceHow to create high impact organizational charts that youíll be proud of
How to create a life for yourself that you will LOVE (note: unless this includes "How to get a much better job and quit wasting your time being someone's slave" this is probably just about useless.)
How to improve communication between you and your boss
How to build bridges and seize opportunities in your career through networking
Please review the workshops listed below:
9:00-10:00: You're in the Driver's Seat. Controlling Page Appearence.
10:15-11:15: Exploring Uncharted Territory in Powerpoint.
11:30-1:00: Back by Popular Demand: Condescending Retard Woman presenting: How To Create A Life That You LOVE
1:30-2:30: How to Read Your Boss: The Art of Managing UP.
2:45-3:45: Perpetual Networking: Leveraging Your Abilities!After each class, there's a link for more information. Being naturally curious and interested in knowing important things, I clicked:
You're In The Driver's Seat: Controlling Page Appearance
Explore the little-known tricks about controlling page appearance in Microsoft Word. Including tables, page layout techniques,and working with tabs.
Exploring unCHARTED Territory in PowerPoint
Find a hidden treasures in PowerPoint. You will learn how to create and design Organization Charts using Clip Art, photographs, and Word Art.
How to create a life for yourself that you will LOVE
Creating A Life That You Love! When is the last time you heard someone say "I'm so happy with my life I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming!" More importantly, when's the last time you said it? If it's been a while, you are not going to want to miss the lunchtime keynote session presented by internationally-known and locally-grown Condescending Retard Woman. Condescening will guide us through an exercise which will help us determine which areas of our lives are not working as well as they might. She will offer us specific techniques to use in creating more of what we want. You will leave the session armed with tools to take your first step in creating a life that you love!!! Objectives Participants will: 1) Be given a structure to use in assessing their current life satisfaction; 2) Prioritize the areas of their life; 3) Choose an area to work on improving; 4) Be introduced to four specific techniques to use in transforming their dreams into reality.
Again, because I'm pro learning, here's some information about Condescending Retard Woman:
Condescending Retard Woman has been an entrepreneur since 1991. The first years of her business were devoted to encouraging people who were being down-sized to turn their lay-offs into lift-offs. Within her second year of business, she was chosen as one of then entrepreneurial success stories by the Connecticut Small Business Development Center. In 1995, Condescending acquired an international seminar company as a client. Over the next few years she traveled to more than 30 states. She then became their 'international specialist' and within that context traveled to Australia, Europe, New Zealand and Puerto Rico, offering seminars to very diverse populations. Condescending has an undergraduate degree in Psychology from the University of Connecticut and a masters degree in Education from Central Connecticut State University. She is a member of the National Speakers Association, The New England Speakers Association, and is the founder of T.G.I.M., (Thank God It's Monday), an association designed to help people clarify and achieve work that they love.
How to Read Your Boss: The Art of Managing UP:
Even the most competent employees are sometimes stymied in their performance when their needs, preferences, and motivators are different from their bossí. As a result, the boss may experience the employee as difficult, resistant, disloyal, or even incompetent. The employee might see the boss as unpredictable, unclear, or uncaring. If you are willing, begin to develop an appreciation for diversity of style, and learn to read your boss to better understand how he/she is different than you, and identify some approaches that can maximize your effectiveness. Objectives include: Learn the READ method to increase your boss-observation skills and how you are perceived (Review the signs, Evaluate established patterns, Apply appropriate approach, Do something daily) and Commit to one new behavior.
The last one, the one about leveraging my abilities was so boring and lame, I couldn't even be bothered to cut and paste it. Now, is it me, or is this shit all really stupid? I mean, why don't they ever want to teach us anything interesting or important? All of this is so useless? Why not give us classes on Photoshop? Why not offer something that'll give us knowledge beyond the little tiny world of Administrative Professional? Who GIVES A SHIT about what my boss is feeling? Seriously. Layoffs into Liftoffs? Ugh, go FUCK yourself.
the other day, much less cranky - home - email - tomorrow
Oh, and PS; The snow this morning? Yeah, that was delighful, too. Grr.