January 19

 
                            No pic tonight, my camera no longer seems to work.  I'll fix it..
 

                           These Are Things That Scare Me (besides the obvious-evil blimps
                           and lurking hot air balloons):

                           1.)  I am afraid that I will be walking along and trip, knocking out my
                           two front teeth.  I then swallow them and they have to be dug out of my
                           next big poop.
                           2.)  I will go to the gym from now until the rest of my life and I will not
                           lose a single ounce.  I will remain, exactly as I am, just this big, forever
                           and ever.
                           3.)  Working in this building, on this floor, in this capacity forever and
                           ever.  Never figuring out what I want to do or where I'd like it to happen
                           when I figure it out.
                           4.)  My truck will flip over when I'm turning a corner, especially in my
                           parking lot.  Then I'll get trapped in my newly destroyed vehicle and will
                           still have to pay the car payments for the next 6 years on a destroyed
                           car.
                           5.)  So, I'm at the gym and everyone behind me on their machines can
                           see my underwear, and they're all giggling and laughing "Heh, nice
                           happy faces, there, fatty.."
                           6.)  A little kid steps out in front of my car, accidentally.  I hit them,
                           accidentally.  A huge riot ensues.  I am thrown in the pokey.  People
                           hold candlelight vigils in front of my house.  They kill my dogs.  Effigies
                           of me are burned in the tree of the Green.  I am Hated. I am an
                           Outcast.  People want me dead.  Nothing I can ever say or do will
                           change people's minds.  My family and loved ones appear on
                           television, crying for mercy.  The people are not moved.
                           7.)  Choking in a restaurant.
                           8.)  The suckers on octopus tentacles.
                           9.)  Roy Orbison.
                           10.)  Big superpumped guys.
                           11.)  Getting that disease where I can no longer fall asleep and being
                           driven slowly mad and having all of my organs shut down and stuff as
                           I lay there night after night after night, unable to do anything else.
                           12.)  The Powerpuff Girls.  Those big creepy eyes.
                           13.)  That my shirt is unbuttoned right in the middle, and I walk around
                           all day with my gigantic belly sticking out and no one bothers to tell
                           me.
                           14.)  Adults in cartoon themed clothes.
                           15.)  Art and Crafters, those people who put puffy shit on their clothing
                           without a trace of irony.
                           16.)  Movies and TV shows featuring characters with creepy glowing
                           eyes.
                           17.)  Someone I love is in trouble, and I can't help.
                           18.)  Life never gets better or worse, it just stays the same, for ever.
                           19.)  I won't have the balls to do something I want to do because
                           change can be terrifying and I'm acting like a pussy.
                           20.)  Hurting people's feelings unintentionally.
                           21.)  That one guy from the Backstreet Boys with the weird facial hair.
                           22.)  Carson Daly.
                           23.)  I am ignoring responsibility to my grandparents when I do not call
                           or stop over.  That something awful will happen and I won't know
                           because I wasn't around.
                           24.)  That someone with a thick accent is going to talk to me and I'm
                           not going to understand a word they're saying so I have to keep saying
                           "What?? What?? Excuse me?!"  over and over again and they think I'm
                           fucking around with them.
                           25.)  Swans attacking me and pecking my eyes out.
                           26.)  I'm turning into the person I used to chuckle at at the gym.
                           27.)  That someone will present their baby to me, and it's ugly, and I
                           don't make a convincing "aww, cute!"  face and then they hate me.
                           Ditto for being introduced to someone's new boy/girlfriend.  "What did
                           you think? Isn't he HOT?"  "Uhh...he's definitely interesting.."
                           28.)  I will never make up for past fuck ups, no matter what I do.
                           29.)  Stepping on a rusty nail, having it puncture my shoe and needing
                           to go get a tetanus shot.
                           30.)  Why am I here?
                           31.)  The waiters and waitresses at happy happy bullshit chain
                           restaurants.
                           32.)  I'll get older and forget important things.
                           33.)  All those booty shaking babes in rap videos. I am fascinated and
                           repulsed and scared shitless.
                           34.)  What makes Creamora cream?
                           35.)  Bugs laying eggs under my skin and then hatching.  Ugh.
                           36.)  Am I a hypochondriac?
                           37.)  Do I really not want to go to grad school?
                           38.)  Gluttony.  Why drink 2 when 20 taste just as good?
                           39.)  Outgoing or obnoxious?
                           40.)  Hurting my best friend.
                           41.)  Beards.
                           42.)  The midwest.
                           43.)  Not enough hours in the day to do everything I want.
                           44.)  Being selfish.
                           45.)  People with voiceboxes.
                           46.)  Automated voices.
                           47.)  Getting a tape worm.
 
 
 

 
I was striving for 50, but think that 47 scary things are enough.  You should all know that #1 came true today, minus the swallowing my teeth.  Advice to you, my sisters:  it is raining.  you are in a hurry.  You are running to Biomedical Communications because your boss insisted you needed to drop off the powerpoint slides you made for him--today--although they will not be ready until Tuesday.  It is 4:17.  They close at 4:30.  You sprint, in heels, in the rain through the parking lot.  You let yourself into the building.  You begin your run down the hall, there.  The door is closed.  You feel yourself slip, the heel going from underneath you.  You go down on your knee and slide.  For like three feet.

You are not alone in the hall.  A man looks down at you, concerned.

My advice:  Do not run in heels.
 

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i guess i been in love before once or twice i been on the floor
but i never loved no one the way that i love you