April 10

RAAAR!! We decided to take a trip to the beach before we go to Mexico, you know, work on our base tans! RAAAR!!!  This was right before that kid's kite landed on us, remember?  And remember what I did?  That's right.  RAAAR!  I ate him.   And his kite.

The Preface:

My nipples are sunburned.  Yep.  It's a whole new experience for me, this sunburned chest thing.

The Good Idea:

I though that my going to a tanning salon would be a good idea, after all of the dire warnings I've gotten from people when they learn that I'm going to Cancun.  Everything from "If you normally use 4 sunblock, use 15!"  to "You will sit down in a chair and burst into flames 5 minutes later!!" was tossed at me, so I figured that a little pre-UV ray action might be in order.

The First Time:

When I went in for the first time, I was all thinking that they'd note my complexion (not as dark as I pretend) and allow me to go in for a half hour.  That's really what I thought:  "This will take me about an hour in total.  Half hour in the bed, half hour for everything else".    The girl sized me up and said "Okay, 10 minutes".  TEN MINUTES?  What the fuck?  I was all indignant, but said nothing.  I get to the room, she tells me what to do, two minutes, the thing heats up, I slap myself down--in my bathing suit--and there I lie.  When I tell you that those were the most perfect, blissful, joyous 10 minutes of 2001, so far, I would be shitting you negative.  I lay there in the hot bed, air blowing on me, faint smell of sunscreen, music playing overhead.  It was over so quickly, I was pissed off.  Pissed off, but warm and grinning and slappy and stupid and I got dressed and went my merry way.

The Second Time:

The next day, when I went back ("Man, I did 10 minutes with no problem, today will have to be AT LEAST a half hour..")  and was greeted with a crowd of leathery freaks all waiting, and was told by the equally leathery 18 year old behind the counter  "Today, 12 minutes!"  (which I had bumped up to 15, because I'm sly!) and waited and waited and finally got in, and that's when I decided to do it:  topless.

The Internal Dialogue, 2 Minute Countdown:

Okay.  I mean, I could wear my bra, I could.  But doesn't that seem stupid?  I'm never going to get a bathing suit that exactly matches my bra.  Then Im getting a new bathing suit anyhow.  I might as well just--oh, FUCK.  I don't have the eye protection things.  They must have fallen out of my bag.   Fuck! I need to go buy more! Goddammit, now I have to get dressed.  Oh, SHIT.  The bed went on!  Goddammit, I guess I'll have to just keep my eyes closed.  Topless?  Okay, why the fuck not.

The Sorrowful Reality, 6 Hours Later:

Jesus Christ! I have never, ever sunburned my flabby stomach before.  Ow, what the fuck?  Do I have to wear jeans?  OW! Who burns the underside of their arms?  I've never, ever been burned there before.  Wait.  Ow.  What's this?  Ow.  Holy shit.  My nipples.  They're burned!  Ow! Owww.  Owww.. Boo hoo, boo hoo..what the hell did I do that for?

The Throbbing Aftermath, 48 Hours Later:

Man, when this stops stinging, I am going to look so hot.  Yep.  I wonder when it'll stop hurting to lie down.  As soon as THAT happens, I'm going back.  Maybe they'll let me go for 20 minutes.  Maybe I should bring sunscreen?  Nah, that seems stupid.

The Future:

Okay, so I'm getting this tan so that I can go out in the sun and be tan.  That makes sense.  I am a skin cancer courting freak.  Maybe I should buy some tan accelerator*.  No, THAT would be stupid.  What's my fucking problem?

*the one and only time I used a tan accelerator was about 2 years ago, before a trip to hammonasset with Gale.  We sprayed the shit all over ourselves from head to toe and proceeded to lie there on a cloudless day in July, all day long.  No shit, we were there for at least 5 hours.  She fell asleep.  I stared up at the sky,  smoking quietly and listening to kids play.

We decided to leave at about 3:30 and go get something to eat.  The car ride to the restaurant, I realize I am not feeling all that well.  You know how usually when you get a sunburn, you can't see it until a few hours after you get out of the sun?  I saw it, immediately.  So did she.  We both kind of looked at each other, sickly, and the next day, getting into the shower, I reached down and touched my leg and it was wet.  Wet because I'd peeled off an entire layer of blisters.  We won't get into the terror that was my face except to say that I was peeling off brown.

Message for the Uninformed:

Tan Accelerator is brought to you via Satan.  Avoid it at all costs.

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Edna Million in a drop dead suit
Dutch pink on a downtown train
Two dollar pistol but the gun won't shoot
I'm in the corner in the pouring rain
16 men on a deadman's chest
And I've been drinking from a broken cup
2 pairs of pants and a mohair vest
I'm full of bourbon; I can't stand up.
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on the fire; your children all alone
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on the fire; your children all alone
Schiffer broke a bottle on Morgan's head
And I've been stepping on the devil's tail
Across the stripes of a full moon's head
Through the bars of a Cuban jail
Bloody fingers on a purple knife
A flamingo drinking from a coctail glass
I'm on the lawn with somebody else's wife
Come admire the view from up on top of the mast
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on the fire; your children all alone
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on the fire; your children all alone
Yellow sheets in a Hong Kong bed
Stazybo horn and a Slingerland ride
To the carnival is what she said
A hundred dollars makes it dark inside.