October 21
 
 
 

 

Day 745:

JESUS, what is my problem?  Yesterday afternoon, I went to the store at lunchtime (It was WALMART, ok?  I needed plastic containers, and Target isn't anywhere near here) and was pushing my cart around.  Suddenly, as if a sign from the lord, "It's Raining Men" started to play over the store loudspeakers.  IT'S RAINING MEN!!  And do you know what?  It didn't change my mood At. All.  Not at all.  I slammed my cart around, grabbing shit I didn't need furiously and then, of course, chose the line with a checkout guy who wasn't too right.  I drove back to work, honking at people JUST TO BE MEAN and didn't let someone in in front of me who was trying to get off the highway.  That's right.  I SPED UP.  I came back to my desk and broke a pencil (I only had one, which was too bad).  I went through my desk and ripped stuff up.

And still, I didn't feel any better at all.  And still I don't.  Sure, there are little breaks in my fury, little moments where I catch my breath and look around and realize I'm acting idiotically and yet, right afterwards, I PLUNGE RIGHT BACK IN.  You, over there!! Hey! Go fuck yourself!!  What?  You want to start something with me? I call you out! that's right.  I CALL YOU OUT. You and me, behind the building.  RIGHT NOW.
 

I'm interested to see where this new foul temperment of mine will change and grow.  You all may not know this, but I'm usually pretty cheery, so me wanting to break shit day in and day out might indicate some internal conflict, and I'm really trying to sort out whatever it is because I get the feeling that I'm going to start pissing off my friend(s) the moment I open my mouth.  Maybe, though, I don't really care.
 
 

Ugh, ok.  I give.  You know in the movie "Say Anything" where he says to his sister something like "Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and BE IN A GOOD MOOD?"

I'm going to for that.  We'll see if it works.
 
 
 
 
 

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