December 19

 

Hah, how do I keep letting time get past me like that? I'm a loser. Anyhow, last week I saw a flyer (flier?) hanging on a wall in a building as I was on my way to the cafeteria to get lunch. There were two. One looking for women who suffered from PMS, one for women who didn't. Since I don't, I took the flyer and called when I got back to my desk. The next day, I got a call back and the girl explained what the study was about and asked me approximately 100 questions. I thought the questions were pretty amusing, but I had NO IDEA what was to come.

 

This morning, I went for the in person interview. It was an hour and a half of solid questions, some of which I will share with you now:

 

1.) Do you now, or have you ever burned, cut, or otherwise injured yourself? (No. But, when I was a lot younger and pissier, I WOULD punch walls when I was angry. I didn't think they needed to know that. What? Why start off on the wrong foot?)

2.) Are you today, or have you ever been angry enough to seriously consider killing someone? (Killing, for sure no. But kicking in the face, punching in the stomach, yelling at, or running out to key the car that just cut me off? Yes. Yes, God, yes. Again, they didn't need to know that?)

3.) Have you, over the past year, been so depressed, upset or irritable that you were unable to concentrate or lost interest in doing things that usually brought you pleasure? (Well, yes. But I lied.)

4.) Have you had trouble sleeping over the past 6 months? (Yes, and I was honest about it, mostly. They started scribbling frantically when I answered yes. It freaked me out.)

5.) Are the things in your life that you worry about most consistently? (Yes, my hair falling out [really badly] and my Grandparents. I was honest.)

6.) How have you been feeling for the past month? (I answered this honestly, but perhaps I used the wrong words, because I said "Great! I've had the Christmas Crazies!" Which was not the proper thing to say to a person who is evaluating your mental health. She paused and said "What do you mean, THE CHRISTMAS CRAZIES?!!" I back pedaled like mad, saying "You know! Christmas! Shopping! The break coming up!!" I thought I sounded convincing, but I don't know whether or not she bought it.)

7.) Have you taken drugs more than 10 times a month in your life? (I'll be honest. When I was in college, I smoked pot. Was it more than 10 times a month? I have no idea. I don't think so. I was more of a drinker than a druggie. Will me admitting that I smoked pot 10 years ago haunt me in some way? Because I haven't touched it since 1995.)

8.) How many alcoholic beverages do you have in a week? I said "I don't really drink weekly" Shut up. It's true!

9.) Ok, how many in a month? "Two". And with a straight face!!! But really, I am not the drinky drunk monster you may have been lead to believe I was.

10.) Do you ever feel as though people on the television are talking directly to you or sending you messages? I'm totally serious--they asked me. That was probably my favorite question out of all of them.

11.) Do you hear people talking to you when you are alone? I didn't answer yes to this, but I talk to myself a lot. AND have conversations with people in my head. Do they ANSWER me? No. So I think that's a no.

12.) Have you ever felt someone touch you, or felt a presence of another person when you were alone? Uhhh...

13.) Have you ever felt so badly about yourself that you thought you weren't worth being alive? Me? Fucks no. This is fabulous ol' ME we're talking about!

14.) When you are in a crowd, do you ever feel like people are talking about you? Well, only when I'm doing my sexy dance.

15.) When you are in public, do you ever feel like a stranger is out to get you or do you bodily harm? Not so much.

16.) How do you relax in your downtime? No shit, I answered "I fuck around on the computer". How lame am I?

17.) Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, or been given anti-psychotic drugs for any condition? No and NO!

18.) Does any family member have a drug problem? Perhaps she didn't find it funny when I replied "Well, my Grandmother smokes The Crack every now and then" but I DID. Since I could tell that someone had undoubtedly admitted to their grandparent's Crack habit, I quickly said "I AM JUST KIDDING! No! No one!"

19.) Has any family member ever been admitted to a psychiatric hospital or been jailed for a violent crime? I said "My grandfather is in an assisted living home, my Grandmother goes to senior center and plays bingo on Mondays and my mother is tidy and neat. NOoooo!"

20.) Do you feel that you try your best when you are at work? I rolled my eyes and said "We work for the same place. What do YOU think?" Point, DANA!

So, that was my morning, and those are the questions I remembered off the top of my head, but I confess that I loved questions 1,2, 10, 11 and 12 so much I wrote them down before I got outside so that I wouldn't forget.

After the psych questioning was over, they did a neurological exam on me, and as she asked the questions, I realized that it was the exact, and I do mean the EXACT questions the last neurologist who saw Angelo asked. Here you go, see if you're neurologically sound:

What is today's date? What season is this?* What is this (pointing at watch)? What county is this? What is the name of this building? What state are we in? What city are we in? Repeat the three following words: Apple, Car, Pencil. Read this, and do what it says. Spell WORLD backwards.** What were the three words I'd asked you to repeat? Take this paper with your right hand, and using both hands fold it and place it on the floor. Draw this figure.

*I said "It's winter. Wait, no--it's NOT winter yet. Winter doesn't come until the 21st, so technically, it's still Fall." She gave me the "Okay, there kookoo." look.

**I admit it. I was unable to spell WORLD backwards, and I also questioned her. "Do you mean WORLD like 'the world we live in" or WHORLED, like your fingerprints are whorled?" You can't pull a fast on on me, man. I'm with it.

So that was my morning. I'm not 100 percent certain they'll take me for the study, despite the fact that I don't suffer from psychosis (any DIAGNOSED psychosis, thank you), the television never says shit to me, and I am not huffing glue. I DO have to keep an EMOTIONS JOURNAL, which is a piece of paper with questions like "Felt ANGRY" and I have to rate it from 1-10. People, I feel angry a lot of the time. It's who I am. Will I tell them that? Probably no--I'm a little too close to the TWO psychiatric institutes in New Haven to confess any such thing.

 

Thanks for all the cards you've sent! You're awesome! It's always funny to me to see what kind of cards people send out. Last year there was a very high Funny card v. Traditional Card ratio. This year, it's more even. And, I will definitely try and update again before the weekend.

 

Oh, and an aside: If you've emailed me over the past few days, and I haven't gotten back to you, it's because someone has been mailbombing my account and nothing is getting through, so if you want to email me what YOUR diagnoses psychoses are, hit me up at: danathehutt(at)yahoo.com.

 

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