June 6
I consider myself a good driver. I think we all do. I mean, few and far between are the people who drive who don't think that they're great and everyone else sucks, but of course in my case, it's true. I AM a great driver! I AM, hush up. I haven't killed anyone yet, not even in my tiny little stupidly fast car. We all have idiosyncrasies in our driving, things we will and will not do, the things that drive (ho HO, a FUNNY pun, I made!) us nuts on the road. I've talked about mine before. My driving needs are simple.
1.) If you are in the fast lane on the highway, go fast. If someone is going faster than you, be courteous and get out of the way. 65 in the fast lane is not fast. 70 is also not fast. Minivans should never be allowed in the fast lane, ever. Even if the driver is going fast, I assume that people buy the minivan because they're hauling around kids. Should they be speeding with a car full of children? Isn't that dangerous? (I am aware that there is technically no FAST lane, only a passing and a driving lane, but let's be realistic. The idea that one of the highway lanes isn't used as a fast, is silly, because it's untrue.)
2.) If there is a red light, and a "No Turn On Red" sign, don't turn. Not even if you think the sign is stupid. Not even if you think it doesn't apply. Not even if you can't figure out why it's there because the surrounding streets don't make it necessary. If it annoys you, write a letter to whoever proclaiming how unfair it is, and get on with your life. The extra 30 seconds you wait will not kill you, I promise.
3.) The moment the light turns from red to green is not the moment to lay on your horn. It isn't! I understand that the green light means remove foot from brake and apply to gas. I do! Your gentle reminder does something to me. Do you know what it does? It makes think that you are warning me that there's danger up ahead!! When I hear that horn, I assume that you're telling me "Look out, careful driver! You'd better slow down! There's trouble on yon road!" And I stop. Yep. Thank you, horn blower! THANK YOU.
4.) Conversely, when the light turns green, and you're jabbering on your cell phone and drinking coffee and talking to yourself and putting on makeup and you're oblivious to the fact that the light IS green and has been green for 20 seconds, it is within my rights to honk. A brief TAP, though, not a "Holy shit someone glued my hand to my horn, how the fuck did that happen!?" honk.
5.) One car. One lane. Are you driving a Hummer? No? Then you should be adept enough to wrestle your mighty Civic or whatever into staying in one lane at a time.
6.) Do I have my blinker on, and do you see it? You know what, then? There's no reason to speed up so that I can't get into your lane. This applies to both merging onto and normal highway travel. Speeding up is obnoxious, and I promise, I PROMISE you that I will catch up and pass you even if you don't let me in. I will always, always drive faster unless you're in a Porsche or something equally zippy. Mister Delta 88 with the open windows? Let me in. Resistance is futile.
7.) When I am at a red light going one way, and you are at the same red light, but going in the other direction and you need to turn in front of me (did that make sense? I am going straight, the person on coming the other way is turning), do NOT gun past me to make your turn. I have the right of way. I, and every single person behind me who are also going straight. Again, I know that the extra 30 seconds spent waiting is a terrible inconvienience, and I understand that I am a bad person for slowing you down, but that's life. Like #6, I will do everything in my power to see to it that you don't get to make the turn before I and hopefully everyone behind me get through.
8.) If there is traffic jam on the highway and all the cars are at a dead standstill, the breakdown lane is not your escape route. I am just as stuck as everyone else. Wait your turn. A funny story about this: I was driving home from dinner one night, and decided to get onto the highway rather than take the streets. Unfortunately, I didn't see before I got on that the highway was a parking lot, and by the time I saw, it was too late. We crawled along for a good 20 minutes, not really getting very far, when we started noticing (we being Nick and I) that people were doing the breakdown lane thing. I had my pickup at the time, so I started inching over into the lane so that people couldn't pass. Unphased, people STILL got around me. I assume that they must be IMPORTANT, like doctors going off to save dying patients, or women giving birth RIGHT THERE in the car, because they're in such a mighty hurry. However, the 18 wheeler up ahead disagrees. We watch the driver pull into the breakdown lane, just blocking it. That's pretty funny, right? Well, someone actually drove OFF THE ROAD, into the GRASS to get around the truck. Fucking moron.
9.) (This drives me crazier than anything, ANYTHING ELSE). Do not. EVER, ever. EVER EVER EVER EVER turn from a non turn lane. EVER. Not EVER. If you realize, too late, that you are not in the right place, and you can not get over--GO AROUND THE BLOCK. Make an illegal u turn in someone's driveway. Do something else, but DO NOT TURN FROM A STRAIGHT LANE. I KNOW how horrible it is that you've got to wait to make the turn from the turning lane! I understand that it's much easier to cut everyone off and turn where you oughtn't. But, go fuck yourself. Wait your turn.
I write about this today, and saved the turning from the straight lane thing for last both because it makes me insane and because it's relevant. I know I've mentioned my drive to work. It's short and simple, but there's a place where people are always doing the turn from the straight lane thing, and it's dangerous when it happens, because whoever winds up next to the FUCKHEAD making the illegal turn is kind of forced into this no lane limbo.
The other day, I guess it was Monday (or Tuesday? I have no idea...) I was driving to work and was at the corner, blinker on, waiting to make my turn. There was a woman in an SUV next to me (who'd had ample time to get over--I'd actually slowed to try and let her in, but she ignored me) making the FUCKHEAD turn, which she did. I was stuck behind her, but--this is where the story turns beautiful--but--I noticed that I was being waved around by a cop. She'd been pulled over. She and SIX OTHER PEOPLE who made the FUCKHEAD turn.
Now, this is where I invite you to hit the back button on your browser if you already think I'm a shithead, or mean as a you know what, or a ranting bitch, or angry at the world or whatever, because I am going to prove you right. Ready? Go ahead. I'll wait.
If you're still here, this is what happened: When I realized that the cops were pulling people over for the fuckhead turn, I started laughing. In my car. I laughed and I POINTED. I was filled with mean, angry, vindictive joy that the FUCKHEAD turners were finally, finally getting what they deserved. Mwah hah hah. Man, I was happy. The next day, no cops. That bummed me out, because I feared that it was a one time thing, but this morning, lo and behold, they were back.
Delighted. Thrilled. Estatic. I drove past the FUCKHEAD turners, and gloated. GLOATED. I looked at them, my eyes saying "Oh, yes. My time will come. I will be caught doing 95 in a 55 mph zone on the highway, but today? It is all YOU, FUCKHEAD turner!" Am I a shithead? You bet. But, I never turn from a non turn lane.
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