March 21
 
 
 

Heh, heh.  It's ONE BIG EYE!
 
 

A few years ago, I'd written of how, at the gym, they have closed captioning on the television because obviously, you'd never be able to hear anything over the clanking of the weights and the screaming and the grunting of the people lifting the weights, and the radio and the everything else.  And, I'd written of how, one night, while waiting for a step class to begin, that I'd wasted some time reading and watching CNN (of course, this was long before watching the news made me want to cry).  I believe that the big news event was yet to happen, and that everyone was standing around waiting for Bill Clinton to show up and give a talk.  Typical before-hand jabbering was taking place, but of course, I couldn't hear it, instead having to rely on the person who was doing the typing into the machine to get the whole thing up on the screen for my reading pleasure.

Now, I'd not had a lot of experience with closed captioned television before, and so it didn't occur to me that the people who were listening and trying to keep up with conversation might have kind of a hard time of it, because, let's face it, people speak quickly, and some things get confused.  This was made evident by the scene:  a room full of solemn men and women in suits, an american flag, and an empty podium.  The words across the screen read "We're just keeping ONE BIG EYE on the lecturn..."

I'm fairly sure they weren't honest to goodness cyclopses (cyclposi?) sitting there waiting for President Clinton to show up, and so that struck me as being really funny, and over the years I've remembered that, dredging up the phrase whenever something is really badly translated or just fucked up in general.  I'll say "They're keeping ONE BIG EYE on the lecturn."  It's funny to me because I'm a dork.

The reason I bring this up is because two days ago, I was at the gym, doing what I do on the elliptical machine when I looked up at CNN (which doesn't happen as often, I must confess, now that they've switched one of the channels over to A&E.  Despite my lifelong hatred of Jessica Fletcher, I'd rather watch an episode of Murder She Wrote than anything, EVER on ESPN).  They were talking about the conditions of the prison camps in Kabul and how they're treated.  When it came around to them talking about what they all got to eat, I was told that "the prisoners get to eat two males a day!"  SASSY!!

Can you believe I just wrote all of that?  To tell you one line?  That I could have started off with?  If I was going to go back and do it again, I'd write this:
 

"Heh.  I was at the gym the other day and as I was watching the news, I read something funny.  The prisoners in Kabul jails are being fed two males a day."  Hah, hah.  But I didn't.   Nope.  Sorry about that.
 

Speaking of the gym and television, something tragic happened yesterday.  Really.  It was very very sad.  I hopped on a machine at 5:00, right in time for Magnum, PI.  Not a favorite show of mine, but whatver, anything to pass the time.  I'm not going to go over the plot of the whole thing, because really, who gives a shit?  The point is, he DIES AT THE END.

Were you sitting down?  Did that sneak up on you and make you cry?  Let me say it again, in case you're in denial.  THOMAS MAGNUM DIES.  All of the prissy "Magnum, you get back here this instant!"  from Higgins?  Didn't work.  Dead.  After my time on the machine was done, I met with my trainer.  I said "Oh my god, the most horrible thing just happened!"  He looked concerned.  "You aren't going to believe this!  MAGNUM PI JUST DIED!"  The look?  You know the look.  Well, maybe you don't, but I get it all the time.  The "What in the motherfuck are you talking about, you retarded person, I mean, ooh, how fascinating" look.

I came home from the gym.  Nick greets me in the kitchen.  "How was the gym?!"  he asks.  "MAGNUM DIED!!!"  "Magnum?!"  "Yes! He was shot! He wandered around setting up his woman with some guy! And he DIED!"  Nick knew the whole episode! The WHOLE thing! He remembered HOW and WHERE he was shot! He remembered the ending! I felt justified in my obsession about it.   Mostly.  Come on, it's WEIRD.  How often have you randomly tuned into a TV show, only to have the person---the MAIN CHARACTER--DIE?  That happens only if it's the last episode of the show or something.  Imagine the spinoff with only TC and Rick and Higgins?  Heh, there'd be a lot of anal lube and fisting, I think...
 
 

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