November 11
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

8 Mile:

"You know, I've had a lot of disappointing things happen in my life.  My father and I didn't talk for years.  My mom had a whole bunch of problems.  My grandmother's been sick, bad relationships, whatever.  This movie was almost as disappointing to me as all of those things"
-Nicole, after the movie ended
 

Yeah, so 8 Mile was horrible.  I can't imagine what every single reviewer in the entire world smoked when they wrote their reviews, which were all like "THIS IS THE FEEL GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR!!!"  or "EMINEM SCORES AS LEADING MAN!!!'  or even "THIS MOVIE WILL INSPIRE YOU TO DO GREAT THINGS!!!".  This movie was awful.  It would have been awful even if we'd had the opportunity to see it at a reasonable hour--not like the midnight show we were forced to attend.  It would have been awful if they'd given us uppers at the door.  It was a steaming pile, no matter what.

To be fair to Eminem, I do think he gave a hell of a performance, I just don't think he did any acting.  He yelled, glared or glowered the entire time, and even when he was saying things that were supposed to be funny (which, admittedly wasn't too often. A laugh riot this is not, at least not intentionally) he never, not even once, cracked a smile.  Have I ever seen Eminem's teeth?  No, I don't think I have!  If you're planning on seeing it, you might want to skip ahead, because I am going to go over the plot for you.  I'll let you know when to start reading again.

STOP READING NOW.
 

Seriously, if you want the movie to be a giant surprise, don't read on.
 

I warned you.

Also, I might be missing some parts, but it was VERY LATE when we saw it, so mistakes/omissions in plot may be made.  Also, I reserve the right to tell the story totally out of order, because I'm pretty sure I will.
 
 
 

For whatever reason, Eminem is always being invited to compete in these, like, I guess they're rap slams, where two guys get up on stage and rap/insult the other person for 45 seconds, and then the audience votes on the winner, who gets to go on to the next round.  Neither Nicole nor myself could figure out why anyone gave a shit about going to the next round, because you didn't seem to win anything or get a prize or something worthwhile, but whatever, I'm no rapper.  Bunny Rabbit (his nickname in this movie, which is entirely appropriate, considering how twitchy and unfriendly he is) gets up on stage and totally chokes, so everyone makes fun of him and he stomps off.

Rabbit has broken it off with his girlfriend, who played the freaky pregnant chick in Britney Spears' most excellent movie, Crossroads.  I guess because she's freaky looking (really, she is.)  she gets humped and dumped a lot.  I have no idea.  Anyhow, we learn that they've broken up and that he's left her the car, so he has no way to get around and no place to live.
 

He takes his crap and goes back to his mom's trailer in the trailer park.  Kim Basenger, towards whom I have no feelings one way or another other than thinking that she always seems pretty grim and humorless,  plays Em's mom, and she's having sex with some guy who turns out to have been in Em's high school.  Blah blah, big fight, no huge surprise, Em is supposed to be terribly close to his little sister, and we are able to tell this because he lowers his voice in such a way that we're meant to understand that he's being terribly loving, although he NEVER SMILES at her, so it's impossible to determine.  Right.

Eminem hangs out with a posse of stereotypes.  There's the black dude with dreadlocks who goes by the name of "Future" and who runs the weekly rap contest at a place called "The Shelter" (aside:  it took me a while to realize that they were not, in fact, hanging out at a homeless shelter, but now that I think about it, it may well have been one...)  and I guess is Em's best friend, although I can not even imagine what the two of them ever talk about beyond lame "Listen dawg, you can do whatever you want in this world! Word!" inanities.  There was the retarded white guy who shoots himself in the leg, hah! HAH! He was called "Cheddar Bob", the reason never being explained, of course, for ANY of the people's nick names other than in a touching scene in the trailer where Mother Rabbit is telling everyone how/why she wound up calling him Rabbit.  I'm getting ahead of myself, though.  I'll get back to that.

Okay, retarded white friend, guy with dreadlocks, then there was the Politically Aware black guy who was straight out of a Spike Lee movie, spouting off about not dissing fine black sisters and being a sell out.  If I bothered to remember his name, I'd tell you.  Sadly, I can not.  There was another guy, too, and he played both sides, hanging with Eminem Rabbit and those poor ghetto guys, AS WELL as someone named "Papa Doc", who was rich, I guess, because he wore leather and drove a big SUV.  Ooh, and I almost forgot, there was a giant, fat guy, who reminded me of Forrest Whittaker, but he wasn't.  He was the butt (hah! HAH!) of a lot of fat jokes, believe it or not.

Em works at a plant doing something with metal.  I was never specifically able to understand what he did, other than moving the metal from one place to another.  The giant fat guy boss (not to be confused with the giant fat guy friend!) is always ragging on Em.  I have no idea why.  It's never really explained past "You gots a bad attitude, dere, Rabbit, and I gots my eye on you!!!" As he's being talked to by the boss guy, a girl comes in asking for someone, and Em checks her out, and offers to take her to the person for whom she's looking.  (follow that? I tried hard not to dangle a participle and also make sense)  Bossguy says no, he'll take her, she goes off with bossguy, and Em is left staring after her lustfully (I guess it was lust: remember: his expression never changes).  Some other stuff happens, but it's all irrelevant.  Maybe it's about his bingo playing white trash mom.  Maybe it's about the adoration he feels for his little sister.  Maybe it's him riding around in his crappy car.

Totally for no reason, his ex-girlfriend shows up one day before work and demands to know why he broke it off with her.  He says "It's not you!! it's ME!!".  Yeah, of course it is.  She skulks off.  Why?  No idea.

Em sees the girl from his factory job at a party (maybe it wasn't a party, but she was waving her ass up against some guy and there were a lot of people around) and since we have no idea what happened with the oft mentioned (and once seen) but never explained ex girlfriend, he manages to talk to this new girl.  I know next to nothing about Brittany Murphy, but I'm guessing she shot a pound of heroin or SOMETHING for this role, because she looked a like a less classy Courtney Love without the violent mood swings to make her interesting.  She tells him that he's going to be famous, because SHE CAN TELL.  She, of course, is going to New York because she won a modeling contest (for the coveted centerfold of Crack Whores Monthly.  Look for it.  You won't be disappointed.) Their loving relationship comes to a sexy head (as it were) when they have sex in the factory, and it is perhaps the UNSEXIEST sex scene EVER, in the history of the world.  Picture two horrible people with NO SEXUAL CHEMISTRY whatsoever writhing around against a metal railing.  Imagine 30 seconds of franting, high school-like thrusting, and some full on booby grabbing.  Know why it's supposed to sexy?  KNOW WHY??  Because it's in the FACTORY.  Ugh, it was nasty and gross.  She doesn't even wipe up, just recloses her coat and saunters off.  Ugh.
 

Right in here, somewhere, he hops in his shitter of a car and drives to the ex-girlfriends house and stares at her through her window.  That's it, just stares.  Why?  Again, not a fucking clue.
 
 

Okay, the wheeler-dealer Playing Both Sides friend has been harrassing Em about cutting some promo for some fictional studio, and wants him to go up to a radio station the next night (I don't remember why.  The 12:00 showing of the movie, I think, was sold out, too, and everyone in the theater were the kind of people who yelled at the screen, like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!"  and "YEAHHHHH DOG!!!"  Someone had a flashlight, and shined it at the screen randomly the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, so I was a little distracted) so he (Wheeler Dealer Friend, that is.  I really need to think of a better name for him...) shows up at the the mom's trailer with the--I can't even call her Em's girlfriend, because as far as I could see, the only time they'd ever hung out was when they did the deed--with the fuck buddy, I guess, in tow.  THIS is where we get to hear Kim Basinger describe why she calls Bunny Rabbit (oh, his name is actually "Jimmy Smith Jr."  Now you know.) BUNNY RABBIT.

Not Girlfriend:  But why you call him that?
Bingo Playing Mom:  Because when he was wittle, he had gweat big buck teefies and big ol' eaws!! He was pweshious!!! Just like a Bunny Wabbit!!!
Not Girlfriend, Playing Both Sides Friend, Little Sister:  AH HAH HAH, so cute!
(Nicole and I both retched aloud...)

Em stomps out, a total overreaction to some gentle teasing.  Not girlfriend chases after him.

Em:  You shouldn't have come here.
Not Girlfriend:  (deep, dramatic look) You don't hafta be ashamed of where you live.
Em:  I DON'T LIVE HERE!!!!!!!!!!
Not Girlfriend;  Of course you don't, but you don't hafta be ashamed.
Em:  I DON'T LIVE HERE, OKAY?!!?!!?!?
 

There's some interaction with the Rich Because They All Drive Around in an SUV gang (I want to call them the Leaders of the New School, but that's not it at all) who hate Eminem and his friends.  Why?  Your guess is as good as mine.

The next night (2 nights later?) Em goes on up to the radiostation after an important day at work, wherein he gets between some of the people he works with rap/insulting eachother on the lunch line about gay people or having tiny dicks or whatever, and somehow manages to triumph over the nasty rapping guy who's making fun of a gay guy by saying something like "he may be gay but you're a HOMO!" and everyone in the audience yells "OOO, DAMN!!!OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!",  Of course, he finds his Not a Girlfriend having sex with the Playing Both Sides guy.  He FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and starts beating shit out of him.  Both Nicole and I were kind of puzzled by that dramatic reaction, seeing as how he and she had had sex once and barely exchanged 15 words.

Not Girlfriend:  My friends say you're crazy.
Em:  YOUR FRIENDS DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Some stuff happens with the mother--Kim Basinger tries DESPERATELY to make her a little more than a trailer whore, but she chose this funny generic Southern Accent that actually COMES AND GOES.  Heh, heh.  Okay, so the live in boyfriend finds out that she's losing the trailer because she can't pay for it (and yet, there's money for bingo.  The mysteries never end.)  gets pissed off, beats the shit out of her and leaves.  The mom goes on a drinking spree, she and Eminem have a giant, monster fight, she kicks him out, he takes the little sister to SOMEONE'S house to spend the night. The next day, he goes back to the trailer park to pick up the sister and deliver her back to the house when the Giant SUV pulls up.  In it, the Playing Both Sides Friend and his gang of Clearly Rich Guys.  They all spill out, and holy shit, there's going to be a fight! He puts his sister down and shoos her inside, where she watches the entire ass kicking from inside, screaming and beating on the glass ("STOP IT!!!!! STOP!!!"  It's a fact:  the windows of a trailer are made of the strongest glass known to man!  They're both strong and soundproof, because we can BARELY hear her little tortured screams.  Barf.)

The mom saunters up with a paper bag of groceries and asks what happened to him as he's gathering himself off the floor   "I fell."  "You FELL?"  "YEAH, I FELL."  She invites him in for pancakes.  Thank god, she won money at bingo! $3200 dollars.  She pretends like they never had a fight at all, and that's all nice nice.

For the duration of the movie (I'm assuming it's supposed to take place over a 2 or 3 week period...)  the true friend, Future, has been harrassing him to get back up on stage to slam.  "You can do it, man!!!"

Of course you know what happens, right?  He goes back to the slam, his friends are all there, all of the guys who kicked his ass are there, after a tense few moments of the most RETARDED RAPPING I have ever heard (wait, no.  The rapping on the lunch line was by far more retarded...)  Em goes up against the guy who's been his NEMESIS throughout the entire movie (but still, I have no idea WHY, and at this point Nicole leaned in and said "He'd better damn well sing the song now...").  Em goes first and he does the thing that everyone knows to do: Invoke the Area Code.  You know what I mean.  If you're down and out, and the audience is against you, you have to make sure you bring up something about the home town.  He raps a thing about being in 312 (302?) and how the guy he's up against is really a poser and a prep school kid, unlike Em, who's from...THE GHETTO....

Of course, Em is the triumphant winner, but, like I mentioned in the beginning, I can not figure out why anyone gives a shit about winning--the only thing you win is to be able to come back the following week.  The whole thing ends with him going back to work and not hanging out with his friends.  THE song plays as we watch him walk out and the roll credits.  That's it.  Think maybe Glitter times Rocky times the Karate Kid, and you've got yourself 8 Mile.  I can not believe we stayed awake until 2:30 for that shit.  If Eminem had been there in the theater (which was full of cops, by the way), I would have asked him for my damn 9.50 back.
 
 

OKAY, YOU CAN READ NOW.
 

Though now the entry is done.  Heh!
 
 
 
 
 

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