December 20
Things.
1.) I love Volkswagens. I will keep buying them until they stop making cars I like. This does not mean, however, that I have any kind of good luck with them. My last Golf, as you may or may not remember, had to be taken back to the dealer about 10 times for the same problem. I'm sure I could have gone all Lemon Law on them, but I am far too lazy. Imagine my surprise then, when I was driving my TWO MONTH OLD car to work last Friday and it simply. Stopped. Going. It was going, then it was dead. It had the good sense to die on the top edge of a blind corner. Oh, how the people dropping off their kids and trying to get to work were pleased with me! How they offered me help and good will! I ask you, if you are driving on a shitty and cold Friday and see someone in a stopped car in a place a car should not be, with their hood up and blinkers on, is it your first inclination to flip the person sitting miserably behind the wheel of the dead car off? If so, perhaps you should seek professional help.
2.) I left work an hour early today because I knew the drive home was going to be a crappy drive what with it being TEN degrees outside and there being snow on the ground and because I had to run some errands. One of the errands was to go find that ice-melt stuff you see everywhere this time of year. My assumption was that WalMart would have it, and that worked out okay because I needed to go look for a Christmas gift at a different store in the same strip mall. O, WalMart. You are a store filled with worthless crap and worthless people. You did not have ice-melt stuff, but you DID have hair nets my Grandmother is always looking for and two giant, cheap candles. I wait on the express line with my three packages of hair nets and two giant, cheap candles. There are three people ahead of me. O, WalMart! O, people ahead of me! Bless you for getting on the express lane with your day old loaves of bread and those little sugar juice waters in the non-biodegradable, non recyclable plastic containers and paying for your $5.78 bill with a check! You are truly princes and princesses amongst us! I am honored to share air with you, Ms. Jean Nate as a Secret Santa Christmas Gift!
3.) Despite the fact that I have described car seat heaters as "feeling like I am sitting in a poopy diaper", when it is FIVE degrees outside (on the last day of fall, if you're keeping score), I will take the poopy diaper over a frozen ass. To the person who invented the heated seat? Bravo!
4.) I'd just finished up dinner and was watching the Simpsons and sipping DIET ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK, when the passion of christ compelled me to bust out the vacuum and clean the fuck out of my downstairs. Okay, perhaps it was not the power of christ compelling me, but the power of ROCKSTAR. I also cleaned under my bed, loaded the dishwasher, washed the floor and popped a pimple. I'm wondering if two* will send me outside for some midnight shoveling.
*Diet Rockstars, not pimples.
5.) If you have two dogs that get into a GIANT FUCKING DOGFIGHT so bad that there's BLOOD and YIPING and one dog on it's poor doggie back, the proper reaction (after KICKING the attacking dog. Before you start firing off the hate mail, close your browsers and settle down slappy, it didn't hurt and IT DIDN'T WORK) is to burst into tears, confusing both dogs so much they come over COVERED IN BLOOD and try and comfort you.
6.) If you're a dog and get into a dogfight with your best dog friend in the entire world, the best place to end up a couple hours later is all cuddled together on the bed, of course. A few minutes after the fight, the proper thing to do is lick each other. The proper thing for your owner to do is hyperventilate.
7.) The days before a holiday break are a total waste of time. Don't even pretend to do any work, because everyone knows you're lying.
8.) Likewise, the closer it is to the break the more cranky and angry people will be to actually be at work, though that might just be me.