February 12
 
 

Oh, whatever.
 
 
 

Something awful happened last night.  It was something horrible and purile, yet I have no one to blame but myself.  When you hear, you will feel sorry.  Last night, I watched Glitter.
 

The Rundown:
 

For those of you who don't know (and if you're saving the movie for when you and your friends get together to laugh about it, you might not want to read, this is going to be a big spoiler for you, but seriously, you'll thank me later for saving you the time you'll never get back), Glitter is a movie (or so they say) featuring the ever toothsome Mariah Carey as an orphan in New York City who makes it big because she's got a beautiful voice and a heart of gold.

She's singing backup for some Whore-y Appolonia looking creature who can not sing, no not at all, and it works out that the Whore-y Appolonia Creature's husband, Menacing Tommy in the Smashed Up Hat turns off his beloved wife's microphone so that the voice you hear is all Mariah--err, Billie.  Billie is her movie name.  Right.  Before this all happens, you get a glimpse into her past life:  boozy blues singer mom who burns their house down and gives her up with a promise: "I'll come back for you, baby!"  The stick her and her cat in an orphanage, where she makes two friends.

Fast forward to NY, 1983.  Mariah and her two friends from the orphanage are all grown up and walking around the streets in outfits that, in the pre-Giuiliani city, would get them arrested for prostitution, or, at the very least, a few good offers.  We're to believe they do some kind of work at a club.  Dancing, singing, whatever.  They do it all.  Of course they do.

(Oh, oh.  And lest I forget:  this giant pile of shit is filmed in the most bizzare way.  It's blurry and choppy.  You'll be looking at someone, and then the camera will take like three giant hops in, and there's a person! Take three giant hops back, and they're gone.  This classic technique is used like mad, in totally inappropriate places, so every time it happened, I'd bust up laughing)

In the club, Mariah, I Mean Billie meets a DJ named Dice.  Yep, Dice.  And it's important to note that he is never called by any other name by MIMB, not even when they're doing the nasty. "Give it to me, DICE baby". I  mean, I don't believe that Dice's MOM calls him Dice.  "Come here, Henry, let me have your face, you've got some schmutz..."  "Mom, I'm DICE now!"  "Henry Milton Goldblatt!  Your grandfather would plotz with this Dice business! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"  Anyway, he's trying to do a New York accent throughout the whole first half of the movie, he tries, bless his soul, but somewhere towards the second half, he just stops, and there's some horrible hybrid of his real (British!) accent and something else.  It's awful.

Okay, so MIMB and Dice hook up.  He promises Tommy with the Smashy Hat 100,000 dollars to get MIMB out of some contract she's apparently signed when no one was looking.  In the not-so-distant future, Dice tries to weasel out of the deal, telling Tommy that he will NOT pay.  Why?  Well, who the fuck knows.  He's just not going to.  Of course, Tommy shows up in the apartment (have I mentioned that MIMB and Dice moved in together?  Yeah, they did.  This way, MIMB has plenty of space to WRITE HER MUSIC and PLAY THE PIANO.  That's right! I said PLAY THE PIANO.  I laughed too, it's okay)  to caress MIMB menacingly and to let her know that her boyfriend needs to PAY UP OR ELSE.  MIMB, in what is truly a great moment in acting history, goes from terror! to anger at her boyfriend! In just 7 or 8 looks! Amazing!

You know what happens next.  The boyfriend beats the shit out of Tommy with the Smashy Hat---despite the fact that Tommy would UNQUESTIONABLY be able to kick Dice's ass.  Suspend reality.  It happens.   Sadly, it happens 30 seconds before MIMB is due to appear on stage for Saturday Night Live (they call it something else.  Up Late?  Night Late Times? It's irrelevant.)  and she has to bail on it to go get Dice out of jail.  A throng of reporters wait for them outside the station.
 

In the 30 seconds it takes for her to go from cutting a demo, being threatened by Tommy in the Smashy Hat, bailing her retard boyfriend out of jail and being signed at some Big Label, we are to believe she's amassed a fan base enough to actually give a shit (by the way, this happened without her actually having an album, or so it seems).  She gets an OBNOXIOUS ratfaced press person who shoves her around from place to place, while MIMB looks dazed and blank, asking repeatedly if anyone has heard from Dice.  In the meantime, Dice is busy making nasty comments to MIMB at parties about how her titties are hanging out, not letting her talk to anyone, being mean to her two friends who've been there all along for her, shoving her around, and being kind of a cock, all the time.  That's when MIMB decides, tearfully, to (hah, I'm obviously paraphrasing) Dump the Zero and Get with a Hero.
 

Everyone wants some MIMB.  She manages to SELL OUT Madison Square Garden! Unfortunately, Dice's bad deeds in the past sneak up to bite him on the ass, and he is SHOT DEAD by Tommy in the Smashy Hat.  MIMB manages to pull her shit together to sing her little lungs out in front of her adoring fans, after delivering a touching speech about not taking people for granted.

In the backstage area, she finds a single rose and a letter from Dice, who, in case you forgot, is still dead.  He tells her that he's FOUND HER MOM, and that she's clean and sober and living in Maryland.  The limo speeds off through the night, and there's a touching shot of MIMB unrolling the window and sniffing the country air. Boo hoo.  Tearful reunion, and like 102 minutes that have been taken from me, never to be regained.  Man.
 

Obviously, I am leaving out some of the finer points and nuances.  If my description hasn't scared you away, by all means, rent it, but don't say I didn't warn you.
 

Some Practical Points:
 

1.)  Mariah Carey has an ENORMOUS head.  I mean, no shit, have you ever looked at it?  The forehead on her, my god.  The hairstylist who parted her hair at 9am of dead center?  The ponytail on the side?  It all made me want to cry a little.  BANGS, Mariah.  Same advice to Jennifer Lopez.

2.)  NYC in 1982.  Where was the breakdancing? The Member's Only Jackets?  The headbands?  The cocaine?

3.)  Three women in 1 tiny Lower East Side or Hell's Kitchen apartment.  No bed?  Where did they sleep?

4.)  If the mother loved MIMB so much, why didn't she ever actually GO BACK FOR HER, after she cleaned up her act?

5.)  One cover song=sold out Madison Square Garden?

6.)  Why in the motherfuck would Dice agree to 100k for MIMB?  Did he HAVE 100k?  Where from?  He was a DJ.  Did he also own the club?  Did he sell shrooms on the side?  Why was every other person in the movie dressed in what appeared to be rag picker's clothes and he was always in leather?

7.)  When did MIMB learn to play piano?  Read music?  I don't even buy that she can READ, let alone read music.  Shit.

8.)  Are we not supposed to notice that Mariah Carey can not dance, at all?  I mean, seriously. I can't dance.  But she really can't dance.  And she was making her money as a DANCER?

9.)  What color was she supposed to be as a child?  With only one notable exception, I've never met a grey person in my life.

10.)  Dice.  What a weener.  He was a shitty musician, a shitty producer and wouldn't let anyone touch or look at her.  I mean, HE wanted her to be famous, and then didn't want people looking?  At one point, I think I said to Nick "What they need in here is a little Vanilla Ice..."  going with my "Dump the zero and get with a hero"  idea.

11.)  Why wasn't this an afterschool special or a VH1 special Movies that Rock?  Why?  WHY?

12.)  What was that shit painted on her shoulder?  The silver stuff?

13.)  So, she was supposed to be outgoing and ballsy? Why then the barely above a whisper delivery of most of her lines? The utterly blank looks during emotional scenes?

14.)  I buy Mariah as a slutty dresser.  The fact that she was supposed to be uncomfortable in the bikini?  Oh COME ON.  Fuck.
 
 
 
 
 

If you all must know, I rented it because I'm really sad that I missed the Cribs with her house.  I'd heard that she does the stairclimber in HEELS.  She is clearly insane, and I'm all for following careers of the insane very closely.

Fucking Mariah.  Stick to singing and showing your nipples to Snoop Dogg.
 
 
 
 

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