September 3
The gym I've been going to is sort of devoid of the awesome freak factor Ballys had. That's great in some ways, because it keeps me way less distracted from my intense, muscle building, sweat dripping workout,1 but in other ways, as you all know, I really like the distraction of a good old fashioned freak.
At Ballys, there was always someone walking by with their underwear on over their pants or just a BRA or, well, BALLSHOW. There was SOME kind of skirmish going on near or around me, almost every time I went2 so loudly that I wouldn't even have to turn off my walkman to hear what was being fought about.3
At my new gym,4 I am sad to report a bare minimum of freakshow types. Most everyone is minding their own business and doing their own thing so other than the occasional giant grunt from a powerlifter, I almost never pay attention to those around me. It's enough that I'm there, I can't be expected to be attentive, too.
This morning, since I'm still out on strike5 I headed off to the gym. Now, you might think that since I've been on strike6 since LAST WEDNESDAY that I would have made an appearance there before yesterday, but in thinking that, you'd be totally wrong. When I have too much free time, this sort of inertia creeps over me. I look outside and I think "Hmm, no. Inside is so much better. Ooh, look! The Nanny7 is on!" I guess the truth I need to face is that I'm kind of bored.8
ANYhow. This morning, I went to the gym, and unlike Ballys, it's not jammed every waking hour so badly that the only cardio machine you can punch your way onto is the hateful recumbant bike, which makes your ass fall asleep and you not even break as much of a sweat as you'd break squeezing out a particularly stubborn turd in July. I got there, and I had my choice of machines, and the machine I usually choose is the Stairmaster.9 After 45 minutes, I am done and walk to the other side to lift weights and use the ab machine thing.10 I prefer not to have people near me when I use the ab machine thing, because almost 100 percent of the time I am the biggest person there. The gym has them arranged in a straight line of about 6 of 'em, all in a row, facing the wall, so that no one has to see the peculiar faces people11 make mid crunch.
To make this long story shorter, I walk over to the line of ab machine things, and see, to my dismay that there are two girls next to one another giggling and crunching. I never, EVER giggle and crunch. If Nicole is there at the gym with me, sometimes we'll talk and crunch, but I never laugh. Doing crunches sucks.12 I grudgingly take the ab machine thing next to the giggling girls, put my walkman back on, and start crunching away.13
When I'm finished14, I move to a weightlifting type machine, then another, then another, and notice, at the last machine that one of the girls is still doing crunches. Still! Doing! Crunches! Christamighty! I sit and stare at her15 surreptitiously, and I notice that she's crunching in a very strange way.
Every time she, well, crunched, she would slow way down, and grin at her stomach. Imaging you're doing a crunch yourself.16 You have your arms up around your head17 you lean in, you go back to resting. That's it. This girl would go from resting, to grinning down at her flat little stomach, back to resting. Over and over and over.
People, she wasn't retelling a funny story in her head.18 Oh, no. She was SMILING AT HER OWN GOOD FORTUNE OF BEING 20 and TAN AND POSSESSING A FLAT--NAY--CONCAVE BELLY! Perhaps if I had myself a concave stomach19 I would grin at it, too. Maybe, if I was a hot little number, I would make kissy faces at all the reflective surfaces I pass, but I am 32. I am old, I am bitter, and there is no part of my body I am prepared to beam over, especially at the gym, where I never, EVER20 make eye contact with myself in the mirror.
Let me break down her crunch:
1: Flat.
2: Crunch.
3: Look at stomach, smile.
4: Return to beginning, without smile on face.
5: Repeat.Lest you all think that she was grimacing21 or somesuch thing, I can tell you that that's not the case. This was no grimace. It was the full, toothy grin of someone who knows she's hot shit.
And lord help me, I wanted to kick in her teeth. That's not normal, right?
the other day - home - email - tomorrow
1 If I was about half the fatass I have grown to be, I might be kidding a little more than I am, sadly
2 admittedly, not terribly often
3 "Girl, I had that machine first, now get back or I'll cut you in the parking lot!!" "Oh NO YOU DIDN'T!!"
4 Elite Fitness in Hamden, to save all you stalkers from really having to work to find me, though I warn you: you might be horrified with my gym appearance. Strike that, you might be horrified with my normal day to day.
5 I begin strike-busting Monday. There's only so much time without a paycheck a person can take
6 Two union goons showed up at my house on Labor Day. I tried to hide, but Nick had already told them I was home. Here's part of our conversation:
Union Goon #1: So, we're thinking about maybe having a bake sale outside your building! Maybe get some of the doctors involved! That would be different from picketing, which I remember you telling me you weren't interested in doing. Would working at the bake sale be something you'd consider taking part in?
Me: (Nodding) No, not at all!
Union Goon #1: No?
Me: (still nodding) Nope, but thanks for coming by!
UG#1: There's a big rally on Friday! Will you consider that?
Me: Nope! Ok, bye!
7 Surely, somewhere along the line, I must have brought up my not so secret totally platonic love for the show and Fran Drescher? It's not a secret. In fact, sweet Erin bought me a Nanny DOLL. AND IT TALKS. I'd like to think that it didn't always sound like Harvey Firestein, but it does now. Hush, like you all don't have weird fixations on sitcom stars from the early 90s. That's what I thought.
8 "So, Dana. If you're bored, why didn't you go to the gym more than twice?" Shh. I was busy. I had plans all those other days. No, I did.
9 The Stairmaster makes me feel virtuous. Moreso than anything else. Maybe it's because after 30 minutes, all 10 of my toes fall asleep. Then, I feel like I'm working EVEN HARDER to recompensate for my numb digits!
10 What? That could very well be the name!
11 Read: I.
12 All these crunches, and yet, I am no smaller. Yeah, sure, there's a god. Uh huh.
13 A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I despondantly told her that I'd put on a pound. "Maybe you're working out too much!!!!!" she replied. "Yeah, mom. That's why there are so many fatties who go to the gym every day." Doy.
14 250 crunches has to be good enough for the morning, it really does. The most I'm ever good for is 300, and that's a stretch.
15 She can't SEE that I'm staring. I probably wouldn't stare quite so blatantly if she could. Probably. I might, though.
16 Or to make this a truly all inclusive experience, get down on the floor and play along at home! Go ahead, do a crunch. I'll wait.
17 If you're using the ab machine thing, you're hanging onto the handles up above your head, but it's ok if you don't have one at home. I won't take points off.
18 I would settle for "slightly round"
19 Judging by the conversation she was having with her girlfriend, the only story she'd be retelling in her head would be the one where that thing happened at the bar, you know, where the guys all flocked around her and bought her shots! And she got up on the bar and shook her little rump! And she let that one jock do a body shot off her nipple!!! And then she TOTALLY made out with that other guy!! And the one who told her she looked like a prettier Jessica Simpson!!! That was an AWESOME NIGHT. College is COOL!!!
20 You think I'm kidding? I go out of my way not to watch myself work out. I think it's creepy. Even when I was all hot shot fit back a million years ago, I never stared at myself when I lifted weights. People who do it give me the jibblies.
21 I would almost bet my car on the fact that neither she nor her equally teeny friend could even spell the word "grimace". I'm not bitter, you shut your filthy mouth, ok?
