December 6
First things First:
1.) If you want a card, and haven't indicated your desire, email me. I haven't bought them yet, but darn it, I'm going to, and they'll be mailed out at least within a week or so of my writing them.
2.) If you want to buy me a gift (heh, every year I debate pimping my wishlist, and every year I give in. I'm easy, and plus, I love getting gifts) here's my Amazon list. I have no idea whether or not I did that right, it may well lead you to your own list. As always, don't feel obligated, I'm just throwing it out there. When people send me stuff, I'm shocked and thrilled.
3.) Snow can bite me.
4.) I know you all think I'm some delicate, graceful flower, floating around and stuff. I know you do! Yesterday, we got home from work and put the dogs out. Grayson FREAKED OUT with snow joy, and I was kind of playing with her on the back porch. I wasn't wearing snow-friendly shoes, and could feel the water creeping into my socks, so turned to go into the house. Somehow, I opened the door took one step in, slipped on the linoleum, fell out of my shoe and went head first onto the doorframe between the kitchen and livingroom. That's right. WITH MY HEAD. Ow.
Second things Second:
It's time to go through my referral logs! Wooo!
1.) stomach stabbing
Huh. I'm sure this refers to me writing about how tight pants stab my stomach, but maybe--just maybe they're looking for my long and bloody former life as a murderer. I never wrote about that, did I? No, I didn't think so. It's best kept quiet. Oh, and also, your stomach won't get as stabbed if you wear pants that fit.
2.) dana porn
Heh. It's almost impossible to find a copy of the porn I was in. You'd definitely have to search. I mean, of course I have a copy. Come on over if you want to see it. I'll make popcorn.
3.) fattest monkey +pictures -sales
Can only skinny monkeys break into sales these days? That's sort of biased against fat monkeys, no?
4.) "monica lewinsky photos"
A bunch of years ago I dressed as Monica Lewinsky for Halloween. That was the party where my brother in law Wally came dressed as the pope and someone came in about 2 hours later, dressed as Jesus. I was drunk enough that the Pope vs. Jesus thing seemed hilarious. Heh!
5.) "get used to a smell"
Like two years ago there was a person who worked in the lab. She stank like a million unwashed armpits. I kept complaining and complaining, but to no avail. No shit, she could CLEAR A ROOM. I never got used to how bad she smelled, but fortunately, she left for Harvard, and now they're enjoying her stench.
6.) "i dont want to go back to work" song
No, no. The song is "I don't want to work". It's not about going BACK to work. It's about going to work AT ALL. The lyrics are here. Warning: there's one of those flashing WINNER things on the page, so if you're prone to seizures, I'd steer clear. Geez. Who'd be lame enough to sing a song about going BACK to work.
7.) can you hear what I'm saying
No, but maybe I wasn't really listening...
8.) sitting in tight jeans
Okay before lunch, but not after.
9.) let me see that thong
Clearly, if my jeans are stabbing my stomach and I'm having trouble sitting in them, I'm not going to floss my ass with a thong. You should do the same.
10.) "these two guys walk into a bar"
And the third guy ducks! Hah, hah! Thank you, thank you! I just flew in from Hartford, and boy are my arms tired!
11.) "I'm real cool I chill to the max"
I might act crazy but I don't smoke crack. I can't explain it any further than that. Either you know or you don't.
12.) college friends fucking on tape
Well, there was this one time, my girlfriend (note: not my GIRLFRIEND, she was a friend who was also a girl) and I got kind of drunk and did some EXPERIMENTING, but we didn't tape it. Sorry.
13.) pictures of the fattest person in the world
This is about the most popular hit I get. If someone finds this photo, you need to tell me. I suggest you start by watching Ripley's Believe It Or Not. That show has all kinds of wrong shit on it.
14.) "accident in my pants"
Every now and again, something will make me laugh so hard, I squirt pee. I've never had a scatological accident, but I've got all of my senior years to look forward to!
15.)bought some super tight jeans
Did you? Why? You're too young. Get in the house and change those, young lady. I can see your LIPS.
16.)shutup
No, YOU shutup.
17.)eminem's 30th birthday
Eminem isn't 30, freak. His birthday is October 17, 1973. Check your facts or he won't invite you to his party. I wonder if he smiles when he gets gifts? Probably not.
18.)monkey food, banana
I wonder if there are a ton of people out there, sitting at the computer with a monkey on their shoulder saying "Goddammit! I bought this thing at the pet store, now what the hell do I feed it?!!?"
19.) "I love Boston"
I DO love Boston! It is probably my favorite city. I always have a good time when I'm there.
20.) if i were a banana and you were a monkey, will you eat me
Of COURSE I would! I'd expect you to do the same if the roles were reversed!
21.)"What do i do now that i have purchased a tortoise"
Oughn't you have asked that in the pet store? Feed it, Smart Guy. Right on!
22.) love uncircumcised penis
I don't believe that I have an opinion on it. I've only ever seen one, a long long time ago. It startled me and that's all I'm going to say.
23.) history of ghandi statue in new york city
There's a Ghandi statue? Where? Have I vomited on it?
24.)what the fuck should i do tonight
Go find the Ghandi statue, then write and tell me where it is.
25.) love of dana
Sadly, I imagine this person was trying to find some of that creepy fan fiction about Dana Scully. Fan fiction writers: You're weird. However, if you love me, I'm glad! I love you, too. No, I do. Come on over.
26.)firemen on strike tomorrow
No idea. Did the firemen go on strike? Why? Also, why would I know about the firemen going on strike? I have written about firemen in the past, but that's about it.
27.)im with stupid tee shirt
I was obsessed with finding one. Nicole helped me out and had one made for me. Topically, I remember seeing a photo of the Beastie Boys in which one of them was wearing an I'm With Stupid shirt, and two days ago, I got a letter from corbis.com (blow me, corbis.com. I'm not even going to give a link to your lame ass page) telling me that I had to remove a photo on my page--from 1999--of the Beastie Boys, despite the fact that I'd clearly credited them for the photo. I removed it, but left a nasty note for them in case they go back and check the page. Bitches. Note: the photo I'd used was not the I'm With Stupid Photo.
28.)gangsters say what
You got me, what do gangsters say? "Yo, bitch", maybe? "Where's my bitches at?" Don't know.
29.) dana?
Yes?
30.) I can only be a thug
Oh, don't sell yourself short. You can be anything you set your mind to, man.
31.)thug web pages
I like the idea that there's a webring for thug web pages. There are lame ass rings for every other horrible, stupid thing in the entire world. Why NOT for thugs? "Let's have a webring for women who talk to their their angels during the night!" "This is a webring for strong wymyn who have multiple personalities!!" Ugh, I fucking HATE webrings. Find me one that's not lame, I dare you. You won't be able to.
32.) women connecticut
There are many women in Connecticut. I am one of them! Nice to meet you!
33.) "oi pins"
I still have an oi pin! That's right. I still have it, from like 1984. Does that make me a packrat? I saved a big bag of pins I had. Perhaps the best pin I saved is the one that says "Frankie Say WAR! Hide Yourself!" I love that pin.
34.) hell town boston
See #19. I love Boston. The only things I've found hellish about it is that driving and parking are almost impossible. Also, that I had the worst hangover of my entire life while I was there. It lasted almost 5 days. I was talking to Nicole about that a few weeks ago, and she agreed that she, too, was sick for like a week afterwards. Party like a rockstar, pay the price.
There you go! That's it for now. Have a great weekend!
the other day - home - email - tomorrow