Wow, is this ugly.

October 27

Holy crap, is this UPDATING business a pain in my ass. I mean, I didn't think the page could get worse looking, BUT IT DID!! Did you see how last night's update was all center justified? You see how this text is all stretched out over the page?! This is some pretty stuff right here. Did you see how there was no photo? Composer got a period when I tried to post a photo. It actually gave me a snotty message I'll paraphrase for you: "Some people are not able to view images". That was it! There was no way AROUND it. There was no "I don't care, post that shit anyhow!" button to COUNTER their button. I mean, what kind of computer are you using if you can't view images? Anyhow, I'm searching around for another basic program like Composer, but one that doesn't give me cancer when I try and use it, as this program does. You would think in the 5 years of my WEB PRESENCE, I would have picked up some HTML, but no. Much like driving a stick shift, it never seemed that important to me, and now it's biting me on the ass.

Here are some more questions you've asked me:

1. Hey Dana - love your site. I have only been reading for a year or so, so forgive me if this is something you've talked about previously. You seem to have been at the same job for a while now. Are you happy there? Are you gradually moving up in the ranks? What would be your "dream" job (aside from being a full-time Poncho model).   Well, since the great Local 34 Strike of Ought Three, I'm making a lot more money than I did, and it's easier to be happy in a place where you're getting paid well. I'm always looking for another job (note to people from work: Just LOOKING! It never hurts to LOOK!). I have two dream jobs. One is totally not feasible: Cardiothoracic surgeon. The other is semi-feasible: I'd like to own a book store. But, I'd like to own a SPECIFIC bookstore. I want to own the Book Barn. It's for sale, too, so if any of you would like to help me realize my dreams, well, bring on the money for Dana.

2. How is Johnny Shutup? Haven’t heard too much about your non canine pets lately. She is doing JUST FINE thank you. Last night, we had the great EATING APPLE FREAKOUT, and I confess that watching her eat gives me more pleasure than it should. It cracks me up. Constantly. She is certainly my most amusing pet.

3. Where did you bury Turdmonster and why did you kill him? He's alive and well! He is sitting on my dining room table. He's been sort of down in the dumps since his Silent Life Partner got himself a girlfriend. He goes off to bars by himself, but you know, it's not the same. There was this one time he went up to the bartender and was all "Hello, Barkeep!! I am thirsty! Please pour me a glass of your finest scotch!" and the Barkeep was all "What? WHAT? What ARE you!?! Are you some kind of a MONSTER or something??" and then TM was all, well, I think you know, but I'll remind you--he was all "RAAAARRR!!! I AM A MONSTER IT IS TRUE, BUT I AM A MONSTER WHO LOVES TO DRINK EXPENSIVE SCOTCH SO POUR IT FOR ME AND THERE WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE!!!" and then the barkeep made with the pouring, and do you know what TM did? I think you do. That's right. He ate him.

4. Whatever happened to your hubby's Land Rover?   Nick has mostly rebuilt it, which was a mysterious and impressive feat. He rewired the whole thing VERY CAREFULLY and it took a really long time with wires and clamps and I was extremely jealous that he knows how to do stuff like that, but I did sort of help when I could. Last month, he took it on a road trip to ROVER FEST in the wilds of lower Virginia and he and the other people who love Land Rovers drove around in 10 feet of mud and got all messy and slept outside. He had a blast.

5. BS?? Completely out of your life? No annoying emails?   Um. Well, since people from work seem to read this page, I don't think I want to say anything about it. If you're all really interested, shoot me some mail and I'll talk about it on the mailing list. Which means, you have to join the mailing list, if you care.

6. Come on you don't even want one kid?     Nope, not even one. Nicole just had one, that's going to be close enough to ME having one as I ever need to get.

7. If no to question 6, who will avenge your death one day?? Why, my ghost spirit will. My ghost spirit is going to fly all over the place, killing people and smiting them with bottles of vodka. It's going to be GREAT.

8. Has a reader ever recognized you in public? Nope, never. I am not that famous.   I mean, I've made plans with people I didn't know beforehand, and when I met up with them, they knew who I was. That doesn't really count, though, does it?

9. Do you miss Rob since he moved to Texas? Do the two of you keep in touch?   I've gotten a BUNCH of questions about this, so I'll answer them all right now. Of course I miss him. I'm glad he moved, though, because he seems happier back in Texas than he ever was in New England. I mean, it takes a certain kind of person to hunker down to the grim, Yankee way of life, and clearly he didn't have the chops (note: I'm kidding).   We do not keep in touch as much as I'd like, but he's got a lot of shit going on in his life right now, and I've got a lot going on in my life right now. We did not have a fight or a falling out, but it's hard to keep up a very long distance friendship when turds are raining from the sky all around you (note: actual turds are not raining from the sky, at least not in New Haven. I can not speak for Texas). I'm sure that'll change. It's weird to see how grown up Schuyler is getting.

10. Any updates on BS?   SEE # 5!!!!! I'll just say that it's not how it used to be.

11. What's your favorite holiday? I used to love Thanksgiving, just because it was when the whole family got to hang out and not really do anything except eat and talk and you don't have to buy greeting cards for it. This year, with Ang in Assisted Living, it's going to be very different and I honestly have no idea how it's going to play out. That having been said, I will choose Arbor Day as my favorite holiday. Why the hell not? My LEAST favorite holiday is the totally bogus ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY. That can fuck me running.

12. How's Angelo doing? He's doing pretty well. He seems to be happy in the Assisted Living place. He's friendly and nice, so everyone loves him, the same way they loved him at the hospital. Did I mention that it took AN HOUR for him to be discharged? That was because all the nurses came in to say goodbye to him. Apparently, there were even TEARS. Not his.

13. How did you meet your husband, and how/when did you know he was The One? I've gotten a TON of questions about this, too, so I will try and compress them into one big answer: Nick and I met online in, I think, 1993 or 94. He was living in Georgia and I was still in New York. I had friends who were attending Yale, and he is from Connecticut, so we had that in common, because I was coming back and forth from CT to NY quite often at the time. We decided that the next time he was home, we'd meet up. Then, he decided he didn't want to stay in Georgia, and actively pursued coming back north. He got a job up here, saved up and bought a house and the rest was history. I knew he was The One almost immediately, and I think he felt the same way because from the time we started dating till the time he put a ring on my finger was a grand total of 3 months. From that point, we were married 4 months later.

14. Ok. I'll bite. I love the turdmonster. Tell us about his humble beginnings....   Turdmonster was born in Japan. He was a shy fellow, but people seemed to seek him out for advice and good times. He got over his shyness quickly, moved to America and into my house and well, you all know what happened next. That's right you do! He eats people. RAAAR!!!

15. Which Beatle would Dana be, and why?   Ringo, because really, he's alive, he's rich and no one has ever wanted to kill him.

16. Whatever happened with the knitting? Oh, I'm still doing it. Still not very well. I actually finished a scarf, but it's still on the needles, because I have no idea how to bind off. Any ideas?

17. What happened to the girl in the gym – the one who smiled at her stomach on every sit up? Do you ever see her any more? I assume she's still grinning at her hotness, but I have no idea because I don't belong to that (OR ANY) gym anymore. That's right, I'm a slug.

18. What kind of a wedding did you have?   We were married in a Roman Catholic church, not because either of us are too religious, but because our families pressured us into it. We just wanted to be married, so we didn't really care. The pre-Cana classes were kind of funny because we've always known we didn't want kids, and it got a little ugly what with us having to lie to the priest.   Our reception was at a really beautiful restaurant in New Haven, on the water called the Chart House. It's called something else now. The day was perfect. Perfect weather, my makeup came out well, no one had a fist fight, the food was awesome, and Nick got to do the Time Warp. How can you beat that? (note: I did not do the Time Warp, but I made up for it by dancing to Cotton Eye Joe. That's right I did. How you like me now?)

19. What were your favorite childhood TV shows?   I LOVED Zoom and the Jackson 5 cartoon and The Muppet Show. I loved Laverne and Shirley and Happy Days, though I never understood why no one thought Richie was hotter than the Fonz. It's still a mystery to me.

20. How is your dog that went through cancer treatment doing? age, weight, has he/she changed after treatment, etc.   She is doing really well, thank you! She's 8 now, I think, and she didn't change a bit after treatment. Honestly, she fared a lot worse after the vet had to pull EIGHT of her teeth. That was some bad news for her, but it's funny to watch her trying to negotiate something particularly chewy, ESPECIALLY when it gets all caught up in the holes in her mouth. Har! I think she weighs about 35 pounds. She's little and springy and sheds like a MONSTER. However, she's pretty and awesome and I love her too much.

21. Also curious about the your other dog. You have 2 right? Are you a "good" pet owner and walk them daily, or like me and only when the odd mood hits and it is not raining? (more photos of them would be cool.)   My other dog is Jessie. He's about 12, but he doesn't look it. He's pretty mellow, unless you try and take a snack out of his mouth. Then he will bite you. They almost never get walked, which is awful. We have a yard and they frolic around back there and do what they have to do.   It may sound boring, but it's not. Last night, I was eating dinner and I hear this loud smash on my back porch. Of course, I went to investigate. A seagull (I'm assuming) must have dropped a clam he/she was flying with and it dropped on my porch. Grayson ran outside and tried to eat it (the dropped clam, not a seagull). YOU CAN'T GET THOSE GOOD TIMES ON A WALK, CAN YOU???

22. Do you think Bush sucks?   Why, yes. Yes I do. Very much so. However, who'd you rather do blow off a hooker's ass with, Bush or Kerry? Definitely Bush and this being America, we can't ever discount the people who'd vote for the person they'd most like to get into trouble with. That having been said, I still think he is an embarrassment to this country and the world. I hope he loses, but I'm afraid he won't.

23. Are you a good housekeeper or a slob like me? I am a terrible, TERRIBLE slob, but I'm working on it. I bought a VACUUM the other day and I'm almost embarrassed at how happy I was to put it together and use it. Seriously, I walk into the house and look around and sigh a pleased sigh of happiness to myself. I can not stress how much Grayson sheds. Wearing black in my life (which I often do) is a Bad Idea.

24. Have you ever had a cat for a pet?   No. I don't like cats. I mean, I like them okay when I visit someone and they come over and interact with me, but overall, I am not at all a cat person.

25. More about the Chinese Stinky Shitter please!!! Sadly, CSS left the building I used to work years before I left the building. Fear not, though--there are DOZENS-- of up and coming CSSers to replace her, as evidenced by the overwhelmingly horrid stench in the bathroom here. All I'm saying is that people who microwave fish are gonna lay smelly loafs.

26. Do you have any good recommendations for anyone visiting Atlantic City for the first time? That depends on whether or not you want to deal with the Boardwalk. It's GROSSSSS, and I don't like the Boardwalk casinos. Stick to Borgata, it has always done right by me. Great food, great drinks, I've won money there. The rooms are beautiful and the place isn't all tacky. If you're looking for tacky, look no further than Trump Taj Mahal.

27. Ballshow Ballshow !!   I SAW him about a month ago! He was IN MY BUILDING, and he was wearing the same old hitched up pants that proudly showcased WHICH SIDE HE DRESSED ON. Ugh, nasty.

28. I would like you to write some memories about the time just before you met your husband and were married.    There was sort of a long time between when we met for the first time and when we were married. After we met, I went about my business the way I always had. That is to say, meeting people who were wrong for me, drinking way too much at bars with friends. Looking back on it now, reading the stuff I'd written, I was profoundly unhappy with being in New York, with the friends I had and with the life I was living. I remember fun times and meeting interesting people, but for the most part I was lonely and too old to be acting the way I was acting. That might not be the story you wanted to hear, but it's how it was.

29. My friends and I have been making a list of what annoys us about our co-workers. I know you can't talk about your CURRENT co-workers, but maybe at a former place of employment??!! Every single person I have ever worked with has been a dream. No, seriously. I loved them and would never ever EVER talk shit.

That's it for now. If you've still got questions, hit me with them. Again, I apologize for the crapitude of how much this layout sucks.