January 4

 

My birthday was awesome, thanks for asking! I got flowers and a cake and lots of sex, and really, isn't that all anyone could ask for as they ring in their mid-30s? I believe so.

Anyhow, I have to confess something to you all. Something I'm not entirely proud of, but I have to get it off my chest, and that is: I still love Saturday Night Live. And I think I love it because I have a little TV crush on two of the cast members. Horatio Sanz and Andy Samberg. Strolling down imdb.com, I've found that Horatio is merely two years younger than I. Andy is seven years younger, and that seems weird to me. I mean, not because someday I'm going to hook up with Andy, but because, for fuck's sake! Seven years is a long time. I'll be honest, I thought he was even younger than that because of his cute baby face, I assumed he was early 20's, and no shit, a 35 year old glomming on a 20something year old is just plain creepy. What's equally creepy would be the 20 year old wanting to get with a person in their 30s.

If you'll all recall my distant past with The Reamer, you'll remember that when we met, it was the night I'd graduated from college. I was 22. When he introduced himself to me, he was 32--or so he claimed, so I found his interest in me a little weird, but I sort of found ANYONE's interest in me a little weird, because I, myself, was (ok, AM) a little weird. What the fuck does a 22 year old have in common with a 32 year old? Right. Nothing, even if you claimed, as I claimed, to be a very worldly and mature 22. It was even worse when he drunkenly confessed to me one night that he was NOT 32, as he'd originally said, but 36. Thirty SIX, folks. Let's do the math on that: I am not yet as old as he was when we dated. And, if you add the 36 he was THEN plus the 14 years ago it WAS, he comes in at FIFTY YEARS OLD THIS YEAR. I know, RIGHT?? A 10 year age difference is freaky. A 14 year age difference is FOUL.

So, it's strange to me now to know that actors and actresses are my age or younger than me, you know? Maybe because they're all famous and junk, and they've been in my little life and because everyone sort of feels like they KNOW famous people in a way. Here's a list of those who are younger than me (and maybe even YOU!) but who seem a hell of a lot older (and not just because it's gross to think about scoring with them):

Jude Law (1972): Okay, he's just a LITTLE younger than me. That's okay. We're of the same decade. Also, there's a guy in my building who, no shit, looks EXACTLY like him, and one of the women I work with told him that and he looked at her, YAWNED, and said "Yeah, I get that a lot." Dude, if I looked like Jude Law, I'd only have pants on when I was out meeting more ladies, not feeding the drosophila or slicing mouse hearts.

Angelina Jolie (1975): She is the hottest person on the planet, male or female. She can be as old or as young as she likes.

Ryan Seacrest (1974): WTF? How is this douchebag younger?

Cameron Diaz (1972): She looks like Batman's Joker and has the worst skin I've ever seen on an actress, but at the same time, she seems sweet and nice, even though she stole Justin away from Britney and I will not rest until that evens itself out, ok?

Selma Blair (1972): I thought she was AT LEAST 40. SELMA BLAIR!?!?

Reese Witherspoon (1976): She's another one I thought was older, but you know, that's just me.

Ryan Phillippe (1974): I know almost nothing about him except that he looked good in Cruel Intentions AND I get him confused with Hayden Whats-his-Butt. Hayden Darth Vader. I think it's the moist lips.

Lindsay Lohan (1986): She is well on her way to looking like a leathery handbag, so she could be 35.

50 Cent (1975): Jigga who? Jigga wha? He lives in Connecticut now and his neighbors say he's very nice and polite, but STILL. He's 31?!?!

Eminem (1972): Since Eminem never smiles despite having scads of money, he looks old.

Usher (1978): He seems like he's been around forever. But I also confuse him with Babyface, who HAS been around forever.

Dane Cook (1972): 72 was a good year for the famous, I see.

Adrien Brody (1973): Okay, I confess, I find Adrien Brody dead sexy. It's not explainable, it just IS. Part of his charm is that he looks 45.

 

last year - home - email - soon