April 16
 
 

 
 
 
 

The Kidnapping:

Mom:  I can't wait to see those Mayan ruins!!
Me:  You will be seeing them without me, my only plan for this vacation is to plant ass on the beach and buy unnessecary trinkets from natives.  Then, at night, eat, tend to my sunstroke, and go to sleep!
Mom:  You're going to make me walk around the ruins by myself?
Me:  'Fraid so, babe.
Mom:  All alone, in another country?
Me:  Yes.  You know that I have to.  If I go to the ruins, I might learn something, and we all know my policy on learning stuff when I'm on vacation.
Gramma:  You have a policy on it?
Me:  Yes.  It is as follows:  "DO NOT TRY AND MAKE ME LEARN ANYTHING NEW ON VACATION."
Gramma:  Interesting policy.
Mom:  You are going to make me walk around MEXICAN RUINS all by myself?
Me:  Unfortunately, your desire to see ruins is in direct conflict with the ol' Policy Statement.  Check the book, it's there.
Gramma:  You know, the Mexicans steal white women.
Me, Mom:  What??
Gramma:  Don't look at me like that! It's well known.  White women get kidnapped in Mexico all the time!
Me:  We're not going to the ghetto for a fix.
Gramma:  That's irrelevant!
Me:  We're not going to be slumming around in the hood, looking for crackwhores!
Gramma:  It happens ALL THE TIME.
Me:  I would like to see documentation on these Whitey kidnappings.
Gramma:  I read it in the paper.
Me:  Which paper?  Whitey Kidnapping Weekly?
Gramma:  You know, they ALSO use human manure.  That's why everyone gets the screaming shits.
Me:  What??
Angelo:  You're going to Mexico??
Mom:  Yes, we are.  In two weeks.
Angelo:  I was in Mexico when I was in the service.
Me:  Yeah?
Gramma:  HUMAN MANURE!!
Mom:  We are NOT eating from street vendors, we're eating on a resort.
Gramma:  Yeah?  And you don't think they spit in your food??
Me:  Wait, they roll it in shit AND they spit in it?
Angelo:  I was at this restaruant,  and I was by myself...
Gramma:  Why wouldn't they?
Me:  Why WOULD they?
Gramma:  Because you are WHITE.
Me:  But, if they're going to kidnap us, wouldn't they want to keep us healthy?
Mom:  I personally think that anyone stupid enough to kidnap either of us wold really deserve what they got.
Me:  No, I agree about that.  I suspect we would tourture the bandito until they let us free.
Gramma:  BANDITOS.  That's great. Something else to worry about.
Me:  Yes, resort banditos.  And let's not forget sharks...
Angelo:  ..and I had to order bread.
Mom: Sharks, right!! Sharks, kidnappers and the screaming shits.
Gramma:  You know, I'm glad you think this is so funny.
Angelo:  How would you order bread???
Me:  Are you asking me?
Angelo:  Yeah!
Me:  I would order bread by saying "give me some bread, please!"
Angelo:  No.  That's NOT how you do it.
Me:  Uhh...
Angelo:  When I was in Mexico and ordered some bread, I said "per piace, pane!"
Me:  They don't speak English, but they DO speak Italian?
Angelo: Never mind that, how would you ask for bread??
Me:  Doesn't bread come to the table automatically in Mexico, the way it does everywhere else?
Mom:  And won't we be too kidnapped to get bread?
Me:  Good point!  We will be kidnapped, they won't give us bread.
Gramma:  I know you think that you're very funny...
Angelo:  HOW WOULD YOU ASK FOR BREAD???
Me:  I would not ask for bread.  I don't want to stay someplace where the bread isn't brought immediately to the table.
Mom:  I'm going to be kidnapped walking around the ruins alone.
Me:  I won't be kidnapped sitting on the beach, no one would dare.  Who would try and rip the umbrella drink from my hand?
Gramma:  They pee in the drinks, too.
Me:  So, there's nothing in Mexico untainted by shit or pee?  Do they pee in their own stuff, just for fun?
Gramma:  They might.
Me:  And do they have poo parties, where they laugh menacingly and squirt on the food about to be delivered to the resorts of Cancun?
Gramma:  When your kidnappers phone, I am not going to put up any ransem money, so you'd better start thinking about who else you know.
Angelo:  You're going to want some bread.
Me:  And I will ask for it in English!
Angelo:  English isn't good enough!
Me:  Unfortunately, it's all I have.
Mom:  Are you seriously telling me you are going to make me see the ruins alone?
Me:  Will I have to learn something when I'm there?
Mom:  Probably.
Me:  Then yes, have a good time.  Bring me a street vendor urine water burrito!
Gramma:  Do you think you should leave the resort at all?
Me:  Don't let the resort setting fool you, as you know, from reading your Whitey Kidnapping Weekly, they lurk in the stairwells, and spring out on unsuspecting white women as they return from their jaunt in the jacuzzi.
The truth of the matter is you are missing the most horrible and dangerous part of this trip.
Gramma:  What's that?
Me:  THE FLIGHT!!  Nevermind kidnapping, you'll be needing to identify me from my shark gnawed bones.
Gramma:  Now THAT'S a stupid thing to worry about.
 
 
 
 

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Well could you be the one they talk about?
Hiding inside behind another door,
well is it only happiness you want ?
does wanting or feeling matter any more?
It doesn't mean that much to me sometimes
I don't mean that much to you
and I don't even know what I'm hiding for
and I don't even know what I'm hiding for
don't even know why I'm hiding..
Well could you be the one they talk about
life is a game that only you can make
well maybe I'm about to throw it out
I've given it all that's all that I can take
It doesn't mean that much to me sometimes
I don't mean that much to you
and I don't even know what I'm hiding for
and I don't even know what I'm hiding for