September 5
 
 
 

Heh.
 
 
 

From my work email:
 
 

September Is Head Lice Prevention Month!
All Out Comb Out 2001

'Cuz if you don't get 'em out you've still got 'em

Head lice are ready for school, are you?  The National Pediculosis AssociationÆ (NPA) announces its 17th annual Back-to-School Head Lice Prevention Campaign.

The NPA is asking everyone to work together to set the highest possible public health standards for children in order to protect them from unnecessary and potentially harmful chemical lice treatments.  The aim of the campaign is to reach parents before outbreaks occur -- teaching them how to safely and effectively keep their kids lice and nit free!

Parents, school, child care, and health officials alike can find the help they need including a free Ready-to-Go Bulletin Board Kit available at www.headlice.org.

To promote the campaign and assist everyone, the NPA is offering a complimentary Critter Card, while supplies last.  This is NPA's most popular educational tool to help prevent any confusion in identifying lice and nits vs. common hair debris.

The NPA encourages everyone to participate, Because it's not about lice, it's about kids.
 
 

The NPA is a 501(c)3, federally tax-exempt, non-profit health and education agency.
Proceeds from the LiceMeisterÆ comb and other NPA educational resources
help support programs like the prevention campaign.

This email was just hilarious to me.  And before people go and start getting all "Ooh, she's MEAN to little kids with LICE!! She's such a MEAN BITCH, that MEANIE!!"  I will let all of you know that I, myself, had lice.  Okay?  So, if you want, you're welcome to run around pointing at me and calling me Licehead or Licey or whatever makes your little heart happy.  It was the 6th grade, and there is no such thing as 1 kid with lice.

Right, so the email.  The word "nit"  as a standalone word?  Is a scream.  Furthermore, I would do just about anything (including sign myself up for the Head Lice List, apparently)  to get a Complementary Critter Card, (which I must have done at one time or another).  Perhaps they didn't take my request seriously.  I'm trying to remember whether or not there was a questionnaire (Them: "Do you now have LICE OR NITS??"  Me: "Tee hee, sure I do, now make with the Critter Card!")  that offered me the option of getting something called a LiceMeister®, which I would have been all over like...well, lice on a head.  Okay, moving along.  I love the idea of "Common Hair Debris" and a family sitting around the table with little Lucy FooFoo all with a bag around her shoulders and mom combing out her hair with a fine toothed comb and dad holding up a card:

"No, that's just an M&M..."
"Uhh...that appears to be a cigarette butt..."
"Oo, ooh, that could be one!  Oh, wait...false alarm.  It's just a raisin"
"Judging from the drawing on the Critter Card, that's a baby bird.."
"BINGO!! WE HAVE A WINNER! It's a NIT!!!"

and everyone all jumping up and down.  That is because, "everyone is encouraged to participate"!  Screw television! Fuck reading a book! Eating together?  That's so, so 20th century!  The real future in family togetherness is picking through one another's hair  like a group of chimps.  Eating what you find is still utterly optional.
 
 
 

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all she worship is pure vanity