July 8
 

I completely forgot to write about the Madonna show.  Yes, I went to see Madonna, and I'm pretty sure you needn't even ask why or with whom.  Let's just say that if an 8 months pregnant woman gets you a Madonna ticket, after you've already seen several far worse preformers together, the only question you can really ask is "What time do you want me to come pick you up?"

I've written before that I am by nature, not the kind of person who freaks out and dances in my seat at a show.  Singing along is something I do only under very certain situations--I'll sing along with Radiohead, but only because I'm usually ALSO busy weeping self importantly, because I know YOU like Radiohead, but you can not possibly like them as I do.  No, you don't.  Seriously.  YOU DON'T.  My tears are of pity for YOU and your pseudo Radiohead loving ways.  (I'm kidding.  I cried ONLY ONCE and I realized, as I was doing it, how stupid I was.  Nick: "Are you CRYING????"  Me: [dramatic sniffle] "NO!")  Anyhow, I knew that I would be under close scrutiny from Nicole and her Madonna loving ways and if I did not show appropriate enthusiasm, she would throw her purse at me, so I prepared myself for a singing along, rocking good time.

Allow me to recreate the pre-show antics of the couple sitting behind us for you, so the mood for the show is really set:

Girl; I hope this crowd DANCES!! I HOPE THIS CROWD DANCES!! I HOPE THEY AREN'T LAME!! I HATE LAME CROWDS!!
Guy:  Word!
Girl:  DAMN, IT WOULD SUCK IF NO ONE DANCED!! PEOPLE!! THIS IS MADONNA!! MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE! WOOOO!
Guy:  Woo!
Girl:  DAMN, I can tell they're lame already!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKING MADONNA!!!!!  I HOPE SHE PLAYS MY SONG!! I HOPE SHE PLAYS MY SONG!! I HOPE SHE PLAYS MY MOTHERFUCKING SONG!!! I AM GONNA DANCE AND GO C-TO THE RAZY WHEN SHE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY SONG!! SHE BETTER PLAY MY SONG!!!!
Guy:  I'm gonna get more beer!
GIRL:  GO HEAD HONEY!!! MORE BEER WILL BE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  PEOPLE!!! MADONNA!!!!!
Guy:  Here's your beer...
GIRL:  WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?? WHY SHE AIN'T ON STAGE!!!? MADONNA!!! LET'S FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!
Guy:  I'm gonna get more beer!!!
GIRL:  FUCKING MADONNA!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Then, Madonna comes out.  The crowd goes bullshit.  She launches into...I don't remember (Honestly, I'd  asked NICOLE to write the show review, since Madonna is HER precious, not mine, but she refused.  I feel like I have to write VERY CAREFULLY as not to offend.  I mean, not that I have anything particularly nasty to say, but since I don't share the reverence, I won't write as glowingly).  Then, she takes out a GUITAR (I was as surprised as you.)  and plays one of my top three favorite of her songs (yes, I have a list, don't be a smartass.  The list is:

1.)  Burning Up.  2.)  Like a Prayer  3.)  Deeper and Deeper)
 
 

Meanwhile, a rucus began to brew behind us.  Apparently, the girl ("I HOPE PEOPLE FUCKING DANNNNNCEEEE") and the guy ("I'm GONNA GET MORE BEER!!!") are standing in their seats, flailing around and annoying the people behind them who want to SIT and enjoy the show, so there is a SCREAMING fight going on there, complete with "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?!!"  and "No, HOLD ME BACK!!!"    At the same time, in the isle a group of four fifty year olds with bad perms (on the women) and shirts with the sleeves cut off, boasting dramatic depictions of howling wolves (on the men) are staggeringly, stumblingly drunk.

Madonna plays on.  I am doing my best to show my rapture with the show by singing along as best as I can (Me: Papa don't preach!! I'm in trouble, see!! PApa DONT PREACH!! I'm A LOSER, SEE?!!!) and making up words when I don't know them.   We notice that the Garden is boilingly hot (can they not afford to turn on the AC?), Nicole is sweating through her clothes ("Feel my ass!! FEEL IT!! It's soaked!!")

Madonna is doing fine.  She's entertaining.  Her voice is WAY better than it was,  but I can not even for one second pay attention to the show, because first of all, there's something stupid going on with the mike on her when she talks.  I can't hear a WORD she says, but I figure it doesn't matter because really, what could she be saying?  Who cares?  (Sorry, Nicole)

And The People Behind Us:

GIRL:  WHAT THE FUCK?? THIS CROWD SUCKS!! THOSE DANCERS SUCK!! I'M A BETTER DANCER THAN ANY OF THOSE DANCERS ARE!!!
Guy:  Yes, you are.  I'm going to get more beer!!!
Girl:  WOOOOOOOOFUCKING MADONNA!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! Oh, WAIT, THIS SONG SUCKS!! PLAY SOME FUCKING SONGS THAT DON'T FUCKING SUCK.  THIS SUCKS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Guy:  Here you go!!
Girl:  YOU KNOW WHAT?  I DON'T GET ALONG WITH WHITE PEOPLE AT ALL!!!!!! BLACK PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME THAT I'M LIKE AN UNOFFICIAL BlACK PERSON EXCEPT THAT I'M WHITE!!!!! WHEN THE FUCK IS SHE GOING TO PLAY MY SONG?!?!?  LOOK!! I'M A GOOD DANCER!!!! IM A GOOD DANCER!!! IM A GREAT DANCER!!! I GOT MOVES!!! I GOT MOVES!!!!!!!!!!HER DANCERS DON'T GOT SHIT!!!!!!!!!
GUY:  YOU DO GET ALONG WITH BlACK PEOPLE!!! YOU ARE LIKE A BLACK PERSON EXCEPT YOU'RE WHITE!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
GIRL:  GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN!!! WHY DO ALL THESE SONGS SUCK SO MUCH!!! GIVE IT UP!! ITS MOTHERFUCKING MADONNA!!!!
 

And The People Blocking The Isle Next To Us:
 

Nicole:  I HATE THEM.
Me:  Yeah, they really kind of suck.
Nicole:  Ugh.  Fucking people.
Me:  Are they SMOKING??
Nicole:  YES.  They are CHAIN SMOKING and I HATE THEM and I hope they DIE.
Me:  Hah, good idea, go get more beer.
Nicole: LOOK AT THEM!!
Me:  Eww, was that a tounge?!?  ARE THEY MAKING OUT??
Nicole:  MY BABY HATES THEM.
 

Behind us:
 

Girl:  LOOK AT THOSE DANCERS.  I GOT MOVES BETTER THAN THAT.  REMEMBER THAT TIME IN THE CLUB?!! PEOPLE TOLD ME I SHOULD BE PROFESSIONAL.  OH SHIT, I NEED TO CALL BOBBY!!
Guy:  YEAH YOU DO!! I'm GOING TO GET MORE BEER!!!
GIRL:  PLAY THE FUCKING SONG I WANT TO HEAR, MADONNA!!! THESE SONGS ALL SUCK!!!!
Guy:  HERE IS YOUR BEER.  DID YOU CALL BOBBY??
GIRL:  NO, IM GOING TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW.  BOBBBBYYYYYY!!! BBBbbbbbB DOGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! LISTEN TO WHERE I AM!!!!!! WHAT??????WHAT???????????WHAT??????????WHAT???????????WHAT???????
Girl:  WhAT????????????WHAT????????I CANT HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GUY:  WHAT UP DOG??????????????
GIRL:  WHAT????????WHAT????????????????????????????????  OH HE SAID HELLO!!!!!!!!!! WHAT????????WHAT??????????????????????????
GUY:  MAKE SURE HE'S PICKING US UP LATER!!!
GIRL:  WHAT?????????????WHAT????????????????WHAT?????????????  WE ARE AT THE MADONNA CONCERT.  NO IT SUCKS!!!!! THE PEOPLE ARE SO LAME!!! I'M THE ONLY ONE DANCING.  HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!! I LOOK GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDd!!! WHAT????????????????  LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ALLRIGHT!!!!!!! ALLRIGHT!!! FUCK YEAH!!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GIRL:  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HERE'S MY SONG!!!!
GUY:  HELL YEAH!!!!!!
GIRL:  THIS IS THE BEST SONG EVER!!!!!!! IM CRAZZZZYYYYYYYFORRRRR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU TOUCH ME ONCE AND YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!
GUY:  I NEVER LANDED ANYONE LIKE THIS!!!! IT'S ALL A SHOE!!!!!!!
GIRL:  THIS SONG IS FUCKING GREAT!!!!! CRAZY CRAZY FORRRR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
GUY:  AWESOME SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GIRL:  YEAH.  WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GO DRINK AFTER THE SHOW!?!!  ARE WE GONNA GO BACK TO LONG ISLAND???????

Aside:
 

Me, to Nicole:  Long Island!! That's a surprise!!!!
Nicole:  I hate them, too.
 

GUY:  WE GOTTA GET CRUNKED UP LATER!!! FOR MADONNA!!!!!!!!!!!!
GIRL:  WHY SHE KEEP SINGING THESE POLITICAL SONGS!?!!? THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!
GUY:  WORD!!!!
GIRL:  YEAH!! GET INTO THE GROOVE!!!! WOAH WOAH, WHATS THIS BULLSHIT?!!? WHAT ARE THESE WORDS?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!  I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO THIS SONG AND DON'T KNOW NONE OF THESE WORDS.  WOOOOOO, IT'S MISSY!!! WORRDDDDDDDD!!! SHE'S MY GIRLLlLLLLL!!!!!!!!! ! PUT MY THING DOWN FLIP IT AND REVERSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GUY:  DO YOU WANT MORE BEER?!?!?
GIRL:  HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GIRL:  IS IT WORTH IT, LET ME WORK IT!!!!! PUT MY THING DOWN FLIP IT AND REVERSE IT!!!!
GIRL: HELLO??????HELLO????????  IM AT THE MADONNA CONCERT.  NO, IT SUCKS.  NO ONE CAN DANCE FOR SHIT.  I AM SHOWING THEM ALL MY MOVES!!!!! WHAT?? YEAH I GOT MY DRINK ON!!! HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHH!!!!!!!
 

Aside:

Madonna is singing IMAGINE, a song I kind of hate when John Lennon sang it.  Fill in the rest.
 
 

GUY:  HERE'S YOUR BEER.  I WISH THEY SERVED BETTER STUFF HERE!!!
GIRL:  I'D LIKE TO GET MY RUM AND COKE ON!!!!!!
GUY:  WORD!!!!!
GIRL:  I HOPE THIS SHIT IS ALMOST OVER.   THIS CROWD IS LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

In the ISLE:

Nicole:  Oh, WHAT THE FUCK are they doing?!?! Can't they just SIT IN THEIR SEATS??
Me:  No, I guess the stairs are the preferred spot for making out with your white trash boyfriend and spilling your beer.
Nicole:  Ugh.  I HATE THEM.
Me:  Yeah, they really suck.  Who sucks worse, though?  It's really a toss up.  Is this show winding down?
Nicole: Yeah, this is the last song.
Me:  OK!
 

From BEHIND:

Girl:  WHAT THE FUCK? THIS SONG SUCKS.  WHY IS SHE SINGING THIS?? I CANT EVEN DANCE TO IT AND I WANT TO GET MY DANCE ON!!!!  THEY DANCE BETTER IN LONG ISLAND!!! LETS GO DANCING AFTERWARDS!!!
Guy: OK!!!!!
GIRL: DAMN.  IT'S OVER?  MORE!!! MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!!!! MOREEEEEEE!!!  !!!!!! WHAT A RIPOFF!!!!! SHE ONLY SANG FOR TWO HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Nicole and I hightailed it out of there as fast as a sweaty pregnant woman and her sweaty, fat sidekick could possibly manage to go.   Overall, I'm going to have to go with:

Britney:  Best dancing.
Mariah:  Best singing.
Madonna:  Most obnoxious audience.
Mariah:  Best banter with crowd.
Madonna:  Loudest.
Mariah:  Nicest outfits.
Madonna:  Best use of multimedia.
Madonna:  Best show overall (PS:  I'm only saying that because I fear the wrath.  Email me if you want to know my real choice)
 
 
 
 

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