December 26
*(12/27) Updated to add: My Better Essays? Super!! Are you trying to tell me you don't find my writing to be hilarious, succinct and delighftul? Well, blow me. Thanks for the lookout, though. When I have to write a term paper on Mesopotamia I'll know just what to do.
I never take my readers for granted. I've never felt as though I'm so awesome that people should read me. I'm always a little shocked and surprised that people DO read me, considering the fact that I think of myself as kind of a lumbering dork. Maybe that's why you read me? I have no idea. Anyhow, I've noticed something happening--quite frequently over the past 2 months that's really actually to tick me off. Gentle readers, please don't sign me up for lists.
I know that I have sort of an unnatural obsession with plane crashes. True, I stalk the NTSB website with alarming frequency. This does not mean, however, that I have any interest in being on the Air Disaster mailing list. Likewise, to the smart person out there who signed my work mail address up at some lame business person website, I humbly submit that you not do it again. I'm not entirely impressed that you used whatever voodoo magic you used to figure out my full name, because really, all that does it make me pretty sure it was a person I already know, which is such a very sad thing to do. Don't you have a hobby or a pet or something?
I'm not looking for a date, so to the person who thoughtfully included my name on some personals site, increasing my already mind boggling amount of spam by about a JILLION PERCENT, I hope that some freaky religious group comes to your house on a Saturday morning and you answer the door and they DON'T LET YOU GO BACK INSIDE. EVER.
The fake thing I was both most impressed and annoyed by was the person who created a Yahoo profile with my first and last name. Bravo! Seriously. You went through all that trouble to tell the world that I'm "married and looking", and to use my full name as a Yahoo email address, but didn't even have the sense of humor to ANSWER THE MAIL I, or any of my friends sent. Jesus. If you're going make shit up about me, ANSWER THE MAIL. Listen, Tough Guy--if I was bored enough to do something like that (which, by the way, I never am. I prefer a direct confrontation with the offending person not some pansy passive agressive bullshit like a fake Yahoo page), I would AT LEAST reply to all the email I got while being the fake person. Come on! At least tell me what I'm looking for in a guy (or girl, it wasn't specified exactly what sex I prefer), since I'm looking and all.
Lastly, anonymous emailers? Don't bother. Whatever you have to say to me that you're too afraid to actually come out and say, I have no use for whatsoever. If you use your real email address, at least I can shoot back an obnoxious mail to a name, rather than some "xxxYYY@bullshit.com" thing. You're really just wasting your own time. Although, it makes me happy to think that someone would register a fake email account to let me know I'm ugly!! Or that I'm FAT!! Or that I'm a BAD PERSON!!! Like I don't already know that?