May 17

 

 

Some time last month , I went to Bridgeport Hospital's School of Nursing open house to get more information. I sat through the talk in a room filled with people who looked as though they wouldn't be able to piece together how to put someone out if they were on fire. I mean, I tried to keep an open mind about the thing, because apparently the program is pretty selective and rigorous, but it's hard to believe that ANYONE in the there would ever be responsible for possibly saving or maintaining a life in the balance when they asked questions like (and these are totally true) "Excuse me. Do you have a dorm?" "Do you offer day care?" "So, if i took Chemistry in HS and failed it, does that count towards the required classes?" "Is there any way I can do the clinical part of the program from home?"

After the talk was through, I stuck around to speak to the director of the program and to show her my college transcript. She'd given out a list of required classes beforehand and I was all good with the English, Sociology, Psychology and electives, so wanted an opinion on what move I should make. She looked over my transcript (after saying "Where IS this school? I've seen a lot of transcripts, and I've never heard of it!" [for the curious, please go here and have a looksee. That's where I went to school, so blame them]) and said "You can't even apply yet. You absolutely must take a chemistry course as well as Anatomy & Physiology. Seek them out."

Which leads me to the next day, when I moseyed into a community college about 5 minutes away from where I work, money and application in hand. I was READY to register for Chem. The hitch in my plan came when I was told that I could not enroll in Chemistry without a math class, and I couldn't enroll in a math class without taking the math placement test. I made a date to take the test (May 16) and proceeded to freak out about the whole thing.

So, if you've been wondering where I was and whether or not I was doing alright (yes, mostly) and why I haven't been writing, blame math. Right after [note: not literally] I walked out of the school, Nick and I walked directly into a Borders and bought me two math study books and some flash cards. Sadly, the math books were TOO ADVANCED for me (seriously, I haven't taken a math class since 1988, and even then, it was more like they took me), so I went off to the library and found two books about FRACTIONS, which is what the guy at the college told me to study. The next MONTH, I spent studying fractions, decimals and percentages. Shit I didn't even do well in when I was in the 6th grade or whatever year it is most smart, normal kids are learning basic math like that.

Folks, I struggle through the multiplication tables. I'm not proud to admit that, but there it is. Fractions were torturous, even in the re-learning. Decimals were .50 harder, and percentages? Like, figuring out the percentage of something? Well, fuck that with a numerator. Anyhow, I studied my face off to prepare for the test, which was a TOTAL MYSTERY to me. I didn't know how many questions there would be, I didn't know what it might cover (other than the ominous "FRACTIONS") and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The reason for the placement exam, you see, was to figure out whether or not I would be able to take "Mathematics for Science and Technology" at the same time as Chemistry. **

I showed up for the test on time yesterday, was led into a room with a couple of other hapless looking people and started. When the first question flashed onto the screen (the test was on a computer), I PANICKED, and it was a little like I'd never seen a number before in my life. The entire SEVENTEEN QUESTION test was about three things: fractions, decimals and percentages.

So, here's my math problem for you. If Dana, who is not a linear thinker, has studied the three topics of the test for 2-3 hours a night for one month up until the day before the test, what is the likely percentage that she screwed the pooch without even realizing she's screwed the pooch? Please round up.

Yeah, so, out of the 17 questions, I managed to get a whopping 44.5 percent right and was placed directly into PRE-algebra, which is described: "Presents the arithmetic of whole and signed numbers and introduces algebra. Topics include integers, fractions, decimals, percents, and basic concepts of algebra." I'm not going to get too bent out of shape about the 44.5 percent thing (although, if you asked me how to figure out what 44.5 percent of 17, I would be at a loss despite having STUDIED MY FACE OFF) because if I had just gone and taken the test without preparing, I would have gotten a zero. No shit. Although, now that I say that, I would have ended up in the same stupid class either way. Sensational.

At the same time as registering for the almost-algebra class, I also enrolled in my first real science-y type course, Anatomy and Physiology I. That class starts MONDAY (as in THIS monday) and runs 4 days a week, from 5:30 until 9:50pm. It's sort of a good thing tonight is the season finale of America's Next Top Model, because I'm going to be spanked with homework. The class is half lecture, half lab which means only one thing: DISSECTION. Which is fine, because if I can't manage to root around inside a dead pig (cat, whatever), there's no way in holy hell I'll be able to root around a human arm with a needle.

Today, I bought my first textbook EVER (see photo at top). If you poked around my college website, you may have gleaned that it is not the type of university where people rely on massive text. It is also not the type of university where you're sent off into the world with any marketable skills, but that might just be me being bitter, since you know, why on earth would a university ever offer a SCIENCE class (True! There were none, instead, they offered classes in something called "Science, Technology and Power" ACES!!) or a class in something that might eventually be parlayed into a job that is non-administrative in nature. Although it MIGHT be true that I could certainly have gone on to become more focused in what I wanted to do, some people are just late bloomers, so suck it and quit judging me. So, my first text book. It is 1000+ pages and cost 125 dollars, used. And it may sound odd, but I am irrationally excited about owning it, although I am scared to death of the whole thing.

And that's where I've been and what I've been doing.

 

Lastly, some math for you:

I am looking forward to taking pre algebra± SETTING MY FACE ON FIRE.

 

 

**A question. If I am wanting to register for a class as a non-degree student and I am paying FOR THE CLASS MYSELF, why the FUCK should I not be able to just talk the stupid class? Why do they care? I mean, if I fail, it's no great loss to THEM, because I'm PAYING FOR IT. Is it not my right, as an adult and an American citizen to be able to take as many difficult and potentially spirit crushing classes as I want? Why would they possibly care?! IT IS MY MONEY!!!!! jesus!!!

 

 

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