May 10
 
 

More From Everyone's Favorite Nigerian Scammer:
 

I haven't had the time to cook up a reply yet, but this was what he sent me this morning:

Date:Ý Mon, 10 May 2004 08:18:50 -0700 (PDT)
From:Ý victor oyofor <senator_vicoyofor68@yahoo.com>
To:Ý dana@bobofett.com
Subject:Ý WHY THE SILENCE? PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS MY EMAIL MESSAGE TODAY.
 

Dear Miss Eliot,
Ý
Good day. How are you doing today and how was your weekend? Why the sudden and few days silence from you now, hope their is no problem that you have not responded to my two email messages to you now?
Ý
Please respond to my email message as soon as you received this one today. Please keep fit and take good care of yourself for me darling.
Ý
Have a nice, blessed and healthy day.
Ý
I am very eager and anxious to hear from you soonest.
Ý
Thanks.
Ý
Best Regard,
Ý
Senator Victor Oyofor.
 
 

Did you notice that he called me DARLING?  I think he really likes me.
 
 

Why I Love Living in Connecticut:
 

My mom and I were in the car, heading for the mall.  We were on a road (Route 34, in case you know the area, or care to check it on a map or something.  If you were a good stalker, you WOULD) that's fairly busy, two lanes of traffic in either direction but mostly surrounded by woods and woodsy houses.   As we were toodling along, I saw something step off into the road about 15 feet in front of me, so I stopped.  Know what it was?  A peacock.  The peacock was crossing the road, and we all had to wait until it made it across to the other side.  Hah!  A peacock!  Awesome.

(Note: Technically, it was a peaHEN, because it didn't have the whole feathery tail business.  But STILL!)
 
 

More About My Health and Assorted Bullshit:
 

On Friday, I went to have a fluoroscopy to see if the source of the intermittant HORRIBLE ANGONIZING PAIN under my ribs could be found.  When I saw the doctor the night before, he pretty much ruled out my gall bladder, which is what I thought was going on. ("Gall bladder problems only typically happen to older people.  What's the thing?  Oh, right 'Fat, Female and Fifty'.  I replied "Well, I'm not 50.."  He looked at me and said "Um Hummm")  He then informed me that he wanted to do a blood test to see whether or not there was any bacteria in my stomach, because bacteria in your stomach can sometimes mean CANCER.  And he said CANCER.  I'm not making that up.  CANCER.  Who says CANCER, even in passing?!

Anyhow, I made an appointment for the fluoroscopy for Friday morning at 9:15, which later got changed to 8:10.  Who DOESN'T want to get up at 7:00 on a day off to go have a medical procedure, especially after your mother has freaked you right the fuck out about it ("They stick a tube down your throat!! You'll need to be put under! I am going with you!!").  As it all turned out, they did NOT need to stick a tube down my throat, but I did have to get all naked and gowned up and drink two of the most unspeakably horrible things I have ever put in my mouth (and really, that's saying a lot).  The first tasted like a bubbly glass of rancid sperm ("That's how we see your esophogous!"  "I feel like you ought to be paying me to swallow this...").  THe table TIPPED OVER with me still on it, clutching the sides and my gown.  As I became prone, they thrust a little bottle of stuff at me ("Mm! This tastes like a milkshake!"  I took a sip  "If milkshakes were made from vomit and chalk!!")  I drank the bottle of stuff, heaving into my mouth a little the whole while.  THey took their photos and I went on my merry way.  All in all, not a pleasant experience, but certainly better than having a tube stuck down my throat.

Now, I'm waiting for the doctor to READ the films, get the blood test results and call me back.  The films shouldn't take too long, seeing as how I watched them get developed and took a look at them when she stuck them onto the lightbox.  I think it would be wholly unfair for something to be wrong with me, considering I already have CLUMPS OF HAIR falling from my head at whim.
 

Speaking of My Hair:
 

It's Glue 8, Dana 0.  I went to a beauty supply place and got this stuff that sort of looked like glue to remove the weaves,  then a bottle of shampoo that was supposed to remove the glue.  Well, the weave remover didn't do anything initially, so I spent the remainder of the night peeling them off.  The shampoo that was supposed to remove the glue?  Didn't.  It turned the strips of glue into little sticky, gluey blobs all over my head.  As I've said to a few friends, I look like a moneyshot.

Since the shampoo didn't work, I've tried a few other things:  scented oil, olive oil, peanut butter, ice, pure acetone (note:  acetone can DISSOLVE a silk wrap along with all the glue, I can not figure out why it couldn't even TOUCH this shit).  Then, my mom and I went to a costume shop and bought stuff that allegedly removes wig glue and prostethics.  Guess what?  Didn't work.  This glue needs to get a job at NASA or something, because no shit, it's the best glue EVER.

I finally broke down and called Lucinda.  She had no recollection of who I was, and told me that there was NO WAY I could possibly buy the proper glue remover.  Except that what I got is EXACTLY what she would have used.  In the end, it didn't work, so I have to go see her tomorrow night, which really pisses me off.  I don't have high hopes that she's going to be able to get it out, so what I imagine happening is that it's going to stay in my hair until the hair is long enough to cut off, OR, the more likely scenario, it falls out.  Go, me!
 
 

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