January 26
 
 
 
 

I have a lot of trouble with friends.  More specifically, I think I have trouble making friends. I have trouble going from the point of casual aquaintance to honest-to-god buddy  I'd call in a time of need (do women have buddies, or is that strictly a male phenomenon?) I have friends I know are my friends and yet something about being with them is work.  Friendship shouldn't require work, so I think that that's a lot of why I'm always reluctant to take steps past aquaintance, unless the acquaintanceship (like an apprenticeship?) goes so well that I'm immediately put at ease.  I'm a freak, I know.

I bring this all up because I've been exchanging email with a friend I've known since 1993 or so.  Without getting too specific (I have no idea whether she reads me or not, but whatever) we've always had kind of a weird relationship.  She's several years older than me, and when we met in Brooklyn, the time we spent together was always about her personal crises, and me listening to her go on and on about them, no matter how insignificant.  Example:

Her:  I met a guy and I REALLY REALLY like him, and we had sex in the backseat of my car 15 minutes after we met! I REALLY like him! What do I do??
Me:  What do you mean?
Her:  Well, I called him 25 times over the next 4 days and he won't call me back!!
Me:  Uh...
Her:  I found his work number and called him there! And I paged him! And called his mother's house! I left 50 messages!! WHY DOESN'T HE LIKE ME????
Me:  Well...
 
 

That sets the tone for everything you need to know about us.  I always had the feeling that she liked me because-- huh, I just sat staring at the blinking cursor for about a minute, trying to think of a reason.  I have no idea why she liked me.  Everything about being her friend was a pain in the ass, and yet, there I was.  Eventually, I left Brooklyn and so did she.  She called every 6 months or so, and it was all the same pattern.  She'd fall in love immediately and sleep with a guy who afterwards wanted nothing to do with her, because he got tired of the phone calls and the notes and the gifts and the eventual (and totally inevitable) hysterical scene on his front porch.

That's not why friends trouble me.  I can deal with being the listener, the boring one, the Teller to the other person's Penn, but at least every once in a while, I want to be asked a very simple question:  "Are you doing allright, Dana?"  and to have the friend actually LISTEN.  Not tell me about how my problems relate to theirs, NOT tell me how much worse off they are than me, just shut the fuck up and listen.  Helpful comments are welcome, but not necessary.  To me, that is the bare minimum it takes to maintain a friendship.  That having been said, here's the most recent set of emails she and I exchanged (note: my actual problem is changed because it's really not your business.  Not that I don't trust you, but still...):
 

To: Me
From:  Her

It's warm here.  70 degrees, baby!  I don't miss Brooklyn at all.  Are you getting my mail?
 

To: Her
From: Me

Ugh, it's freezing here.  I just don't see myself living in Florida, though.  I would love to visit, things here aren't so great.
 

To:  Me
From:  Her

Really?  You always sound so happy on the phone!  I met a guy who told me that I was "hard to take".
 

To: Her
From:  Me
 

Well, things aren't ever as they seem, and you never actually asked me what was going on.  Here's what's going on ________>
 

To:  Me
From:  Her
 

Do you think I'm hard to take????????????????????????
 
 
 

She totally blew over everything I'd said, and made it all about her.  And you know what, that's usually fine.  In fact, it's fine with me about 95 percent of the time.  I don't tell anyone my problems, because they're MINE.  If for the first time in a 11 year friendship, I choose to tell you something, and you can't even be bothered to PRETEND to be interested? To let it be about me for three emailed lines?  To ask me if I'm okay?  Usually I AM okay, but maybe, every once in a while I'm not.  If that's not something you can do for me, then why the hell should I listen to you? Why should we be friends?  As I said, I am a very low maintenance friend.  I don't require a lot of attention.  I'm not the kind of person to dump my problems on you, but sometimes--like everyone else--I need someone to talk to, and sometimes I feel like I need to be the selfish one.  For fuck's sake, aren't I worth that?
 
 

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