january 29
 

 
 
 

It will give you some indication of the type of college student I was when I let you all know that I just last week got my transcript, and my diploma arrived in the mail today.  In case you need me to do the math again: I graduated from The New School University (neé New School for Social Research.  Funnily enough, after I graduated, I hung around, doing temp work for a few different departments, and it became known to all of us that they were planning on changing the name.  Some time after the rumors of the name change began, we all got a letter in the mail, asking us to choose from a few names they were considering, OR we could write in our own, plus there was a little blank space for suggestions or whatever.  One of the choices they'd offered was "New School University".  I drew a giant arrow at the suggestion and wrote "Isn't this a little redundant?"  My practical warning went unheeded, and it's New School University now.  And, seeing how I've just said the name of the school like 15 times in the last paragraph, I'm sure to have kicked up all of the people in college who've been trying to stalk me unsuccessfully.  Greetings, college stalkers.  Don't worry, I know you still hate me, I still hate you too.)  NINE years ago.  I got my diploma TODAY.
 

You can't read it, but it says "25th May, 1993".  Yep.
 

About 12 years ago, I took a class, and for the class I needed to write a paper.  What the paper was on is irrelevant (okay, it was on soldier-poets of the Vietnam War), but I had to go to the library to take out some books for my research.   Not OUR library, mind you, because of course, my college's dorky library didn't have what I needed (read:  any useful books whatsoever).  I had to go over to the NYU library.  To abbreviate the story somewhat, the three books I took out that day weren't returned, and the school put a transcript/diploma hold on my PERMANENT RECORD.

Not having my stuff wasn't a problem, because I'm a lazy sack of shit, and never needed any of it.  UNtil I decided, quite recently that I wanted to take a class at a local community college.  "No problem!" I thought to myself "I have a degree, I won't need any prereqisite! It's just a class I'll take for useless credit!".  Color me fucked when they informed me that they wanted PROOF of my graduation.  Thus, bringing me back into the world of The New School.

Going through all of the channels was pretty easy ("You have a library stop on your record.  Call the library.") Getting in touch with the library, also easy  (but slow:  I called when they were on break, so was treated to their ABSOLUTELY retarded answering machine message, with--and I'm totally serious here--NEW AGE music playing in the background.  Someday, for shits and grins, each and every one of you need to give the Fogelman Library a buzz over break.  You will weep with laughter, but I digress.)  they tell me that my beef is with the NYU library (note:  I knew all of this, I was just playing the stupid card.)  and to give them a call, which I do.  I explain the story to the woman on the phone, she looks up my name, she says "These books are TWELVE YEARS OVERDUE! I'll waive the fee.")

So.  With my newly cleared name, I call the New Age Library back.  I speak to the same woman who'd told me to call NYU.  I tell her they've taken the smirch from my name, and I ask her to just double check that it's no longer there, so that I can call University Records to request my transcript.  She types in my name.  "Ohhh..."  "What? WHAT?"  "It says here you also have an immunization stop on your record."  "A WHAT?"  "Immunization."  "I am THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD! I graduated in NINETEEN NINTY THREE!! I am NOT DEAD.  There was no rash of DEATHS after I left.  I would have to say that me getting you a record of my IMMUNIZATIONS is NOT LIKELY, so you might consider TAKING THAT OFF."
 

FUCKING New School:

I faxed my transcript request on January 2.  On January 15th I call.  "We mailed that out on the 11th."  Care to guess when I got it and when it was postmarked?  If you said "Dana, you got it on the 21st and it was post marked FUCKING January 17th"  give yourself a pat on the back, because you'd be right!   Of COURSE, by that time the class I wanted to take was closed.  Ahh.  Thank you, New School.  Even 10 years later, you doink me in the rear.

Seeing as how they were helpful and friendly with getting my my transcript in a timely and efficient manner, I decided to try and get my diploma.

Dana:  Hi! I graduated from NS in 1993, and I've never gotten my diploma.
Snotty Guy on Phone:  1993, and you never got it?  And you're worrying about it NOW?
Dana:  Uhm, well, I paid for the thing, and I'd like it.
SGOP:  Well, if it's not here in your folder, I'm not going to be able to help you today, usually files that old are stored in a warehouse.  How do I know you didn't get a copy of it already?
Dana:  (to self)  What in the motherfuck would I do with two copies of my useless diploma?
Dana:  (to moron on phone)  I never picked it up, I had a library stop on my record until just the beginning of this month.
SGOP:  Well, I doubt it'll be here, but let me look.

You know how this ends, right?  My stupid diploma was sitting there in my stupid file.  He gets all asskissy and promises me he'll send it right out, along with a complementary copy of my transcript (little did I know, transcripts that have been opened by me are null and void.  Learn something new every day.)  My diploma was delivered FOUR DAYS LATER.  FOUR.  Did I need the diploma in 4 days?  No.  Fuckers.

Anyhow, getting a look at my transcript was super funny.  I graduated with a mighty 2.51 GPA.  Don't be jealous of my big BIG brain, it took an enourmous amount of Southern Comfort to make it so.  For your enjoyment, I'm going to give you a list of my classes.  When you read what I took, you will feel a thousand times smarter, in comparison.  "Man, Dana failed THAT?  Jesus, she's an IDIOT.  I knew it all along..."
 

What Did Dana Take In College?
 

Designing the Short Story, Evolution of Economics, "The Wasteland" Canon, Industrial Archeology, Visualizing Fiction, Anthropology, History, Politics & Culture, Introduction to American Poetics, Philosophy of Work, 19th Century Latin America, Psychology and the Law, Advanced Fiction Workshop, Live Poem, Teachers and Writers, Vietnam Experience, Italian Intro 1 & 2, Shape and Nature 1, Introduction to Lyric Poem, T.S. Eliot, Teachers and Writers II, 19th Century Novel, Shape and Nature II, Poetry Workshop, Modern Art, Children's Books as Literature, Theory and Practice in Adult Education, Satiric Fiction, Useful Plants: Herbs, Arts of Haitian Vodun, Beginning Ceramics, Writer's Block, Dante, Virgil, Homer, 19th Century French and Russian Novel, Senior Work, Psychology of Education, Reading Poetry, Writers Teaching Writing, Teachers and Writers II, History and Theory of Dream Interpretation, Women Artists.
 

Pretty lame, right?  Pretty artsy-fartsy, no?  Here are my grades.  Let the mocking begin:

A-, B, B-, B, B, C+, B+, B-, C-, B+, A, C-, B, C+, UW, UW, UW, UW, B, C, B- B-, A, A-, C+, B, A, F, C, A, F, C+, B+, B+, B, C-, A, B+, A.
 
 

Who failed Arts of Haitian Vodun?  That's right, me.  ME, right here.  And you know what?  I failed because I STOPPED GOING.  It cut into my drinking time.  I had my priorities straight back then, just like I do now.
 
 
 

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