November 13
So, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm tired of playing online Scrabble because I'm terrible at it, and I got annoyed with listening to Radio Ambient, so I decided to let my regular playlist of songs play. As I did, it became sort of obvious to me that I have really cheesy and terrible taste in music. I mean, I'm keeping my favorites out of the equation (Radiohead, Tom Waits) because they are never cheesy or terrible. Here is an absolutely factual list of terrible music I happen to like and own:
1. All You Zombies: The Hooters. What?? It's a great little song! Zombies! Israelites! Sweet!
2. Big Balls: AC/DC. I downloaded this song by mistake. I don't really like it. I'm SERIOUS!! Not liking it doesn't mean I don't know the words, because I SO do!!
3. Keep on Loving You: REO Speedwagon. Don't even try and pretend that you don't sing along with this one when you're driving. My question is this, though. What the hell is he saying when the song starts? I sing it "You played dead! But you never bled! Instead you lay stealing my dress all coiled up and hissingggg!" and that just can't be right.
4. The Gambler: Kenny Rogers. I swear to you, I have never once played blackjack and not had this song in my head, especially since I ALWAYS count my money when I'm sitting at the table. Coincidentally, I was driving somewhere with Nicole and this song came on and she confessed that she also sings this song to herself when she counts her chips secretly at the table. We're cool.
5. Larger Than Life: Backstreet Boys. I know. I KNOW. I can't help it. It's even too horrible to justify, but it's true. Wishing I could thank you in a different way, INDEED!
6. Material Girl: Madonna. I can't come up with a thing to say about it. It just IS.
7. It's a Mistake: Men at Work. I love them. Sad but true.
8. New Moon on Monday: Duran Duran. I sing this shit at the top of my lungs and I'm almost not embarrassed to admit it.
9. I Honestly Love You: Olivia Newton John: The best little Lite FM song about unfortunate love there is!!! (Aside: it took about 3 minutes to write that because #5 just came on, and I had to stop to GROOVE)
10. Party Up in here: DMX. It's a great song. It's a terrible song. It is not a song for the white girl with the car payment, and yet it makes me want to punch people in the face.
11. Bedroom Bully: Shabba Ranks. He 's ugly, he has an awful voice, there's about a solid 20 seconds of moaning and faux bed-spring sounds (it's about SEX, tee hee!!!) and still. STILL!!!!
12. Numa Numa: Whoever that is. We've all seen the video of the chubby kind mouthing the words, but for shit's sake! It's a really fun song!!!
13. Sign Your Name: Terrance Trent D'Arby. This song has signed it's name across MY heart in AWESOME!!!
14. Tiny Dancer: Elton John. Oh, hush. Like you don't love this song, too. If you've seen that movie about the band and the girl, you sing along with the chorus. The end.
15. Let's Get It Started In Here: Black Eyed Peas. I pretty much hate the BEPs. I hate how they look, I hate how they sound. I loathe the song about lovely lumps because, what the fuck? Lady Lumps? Are they five? Let's get it started makes me want to take my shirt of and swing it around over my head and maybe do a keg stand, both things I'm too old to do by about 10 years. I also like the idea of getting hectic, which they suggest!
16. Oh: Ciara. Whether or not she was born a man is totally besides the point because this song fucking rules the school and mixing Ludacris with anything equals something that I'm bound to love.
17. Let's Go To Bed: The Cure. Oh, The Cure. I love and hate you so much. Like the age old Led Zep vs. The Who debate of the 70s, there is the Cure vs. the Smiths debate, and I always have to stand behind my favorite asexual, Morrissey. It's fun to see Robert Smith now though, what with his snarled hair and smeared lipstick and you just KNOW that he drinks his dinner every night and wakes up swatting at invisible bats. I think this song is sexy. There, I said it. My scale of what is sexy and what isn't is very very lame.
18. Living on Video: Trans X. You might not even know this song because it was never too popular, but it makes me happy even after the 14th minute. I'm pretty sure the song is about 45 minutes long. Which is a little long unless you're at a rave, waving your glow stick.
19. Woman in Love/Guilty: Barbra Streisand. I can't love Fran Drescher and not love a little Barbra. And that's not even an excuse. These songs are NICE. And by NICE I mean KICK ASS!!!
20. Oops I Did It Again/Crazy: Britney Spears. Look, I've been writing this page for 6 years and at no time have I ever tried to hide the fact that I love Britney. Cute and virginal, slutty and fake masturbating, white trashy with Cheeto powder all around her mouth. You keep singing, Britney and I will keep LOVING YOU.
21. Let Me Clear My Throat: DJ Kool. Just shut your filthy mouth, this is perfection.
22. Hold Me: Fleetwood Mac. I have loved this song since I was a kid and it came out. There's something sort of creepy about it, maybe the weird key they're singing in? I donno. Like "Let's Go To Bed", I find this song SEXY.
23. Always on Time: Ja Rule and Ashanti. This song is DIRTY. If you haven't heard anything but the radio edit, you will poop yourself (perhaps not literally) when you hear her sweet, meek little voice in the chorus of this dirty song! Seriously:
C'mon and get a piece of this late-night lover
You know, the one that swing dick like no other
I know, I got a lot of things I need to explain
But baby you know the name and love is about pain
So, stop the complaints and drop the order restraints
Our sex life's a game so bat me down in the paint
And I love to see that ass and boobs shake
Hold down on the bed while I'm yankin your braids
Thug style, you never thought I'd make you smile
While I'm smackin your ass and fuckin you all wildUh huh!!!!! Bat me down in the paint, though? Any clues?
24. Cry Me a River: Justin Timberlake. I believe in my heart that things in the world will not be right again until Brit and Justin are back together. I refuse to accept her with the troll and am sort of aghast that she let his thing touch her.
25. The Sort of Frightening Amount of Songs I own by Lionel Richie. This is not debatable. When I turned 33, I found myself wanting--nay--NEEDING to Dance on the Ceiling. You haven't really lived until you've sat in traffic on the Garden State Parkway with Shandy and Doug, BLARING Lionel Richie and rocking the fuck out with the windows open so that you can share the joy of Lionel when you know that the people in all the cars around you are hoping you have a stroke right there at the steering wheel. But in all seriousness, have you listened to the song "Sail On"? Fuck me, that song is mean and just so damn RIGHT. Especially if you're pissed off about your love life!! ('you know it aint so hard to say would you please just go away?') THANK you, Lionel/Commodores. You've made me happy!!
26. Dare Me: The Pointer Sisters. You don't remember this song. No one does. They're in male drag in the video and I bet you won't be surprised when I tell you that I think this song is sort of sexy, too. I need help.
27. Hope of Deliverance: Paul McCartney. Yeah, I got nothing, but when I hear the song (as I am doing RIGHT NOW), I feel happy. ESPECIALLY with the chorus. There's clapping! And it's chuggy!
28. Over and Done With: The Proclaimers. EVERYONE knows the 500 mile song. Everyone in the world. No one knows this song, and it's great! Seriously! Go download it! I'm not just saying that because I've owned the first two Proclaimers albums since before anyone knew who they were. And yet, people still don't really know who they are except when they're mentioned on sad VH1 specials.
29. Do You Want My Love: ELO. The Monster.com ads reminded me that this song existed and reminded me that it's fucking GREAT!!!
and lastly:
30. Born to be Alive: Patrick Hernandez. Look, I grew up in Brooklyn in the 80s. This song was played for a solid year, day and night. I was predestined to adore lame dance music. It's in my SOUL!!
Maybe tomorrow I'll give you the 30 songs I think are BEST on my itunes list. I just might! Don't test me!
the other day - home - email - soon