November 28

 

 

I started my Christmas shopping this weekend, and as always, I ended up looking around for stuff for myself while I was looking for other people. Like with the poncho, I've discovered a disturbing trend in fashions for the, uh, Hefty Woman. First of all, the SHRUG. Now, this model is cute and sassy and probably not a pound over a size 10, so ladies, I am here to tell you that unless you're rail thin, you look stupid in a shrug. I'm sorry, but you do. I don't care what your friends told you or the saleswoman told you, you look dumb. They're just not flattering. And, I daresay that even though they look BETTER on the wee girl, they don't look GREAT. I know of which I speak--I BOUGHT a shrug about a year ago and wore it a few times until I really caught a look at myself in the mirror. Bad news. Off to the Goodwill it went, although I would have been doing the world a favor by just throwing the stupid thing away.

Second giant fashion mistake: GAUCHOS. Do I really even need to tell people this? Like, yesterday I was at the gas station buying a soda while I was filling my car and there was a sign up over the counter: "PLEASE COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH". THAT, like wearing gauchos is another thing that ought not need be said or done. Look at the photos of the models. Think about it. What are pants that manage to make Amazonian women look chubby going to look like on YOU? That's right. Like total shit. Oh, and dear god, no. I knew that Kimora Lee Simmons was out of her damn mind with the ugly clothes she designs, but this may take the cake. They didn't even get a plus sized model to model it, because Macy's knew that it would look like hot mess.

Third fashion mistake: the peasant skirt. This skirt is an abortion. Does anyone, ANYWHERE need "multiple tiers" or a "full A-line skirt"? No. Even if you THINK you do, you're wrong and you don't. Even if yours is a short summerweight? You look 20 pounds heavier than you actually are, and also, IT'S AN UGLY IDEA. Know why they don't show the model's torso or head? Because they were embarrassed and begged to be anonymous. And lastly, this gave me a touch of the cancer. Just a touch. It'll pass in time.

Fourth mistake: Why oh why, with everything else, do my feet need to look fat? Isn't it enough that I'm wearing a shrug with gauchos? Do I need to make myself look a foot shorter than I am? Do animals really need to die for me to look this retarded? You know, when I was about 11, my mother used to try and force me to wear boots like those, and I balls out refused. Even at 11, I knew that these boots would get my ass kicked into Queens. WHY, WHY ARE THEY POPULAR NOW? Why are all of these entitled little rich girls who will never, ever ever need their feet to be quite that warm losing their WASPy little heads over these? These are girls who will step from the inside of Dad's Range Rover, walk 4 feet to the door of the prep school and not set foot outside again until the end of the day! For fuck's sake!!! I live in New England AND I am often called upon to shovel snow, and not once, as I've stood hip deep, leaning on my shovel have I thought "God, you know what would make this suck less? If I had me some boots made of Chewbacca fur!!"

There are lots of other minor complaints I had (why were they selling sweatshirts with holiday designs at Lord and Taylor, and moreover, why did they cost $100? The type of chubby grandma who'd wear a sweatshirt with a glittery santa cat on it is not the grandma who is going to buy it at Lord and Taylor. She's going to go to Kate's Hobbee Korner where it's on special for $9.99) about fashion, but the whole shrug-peasant skirt-gaucho-chewbacca boot thing has sort of pushed me over the edge.

 

 

Second notice: Want to exchange cards? Send me your address!!

 

the other day - home - email - soon