November 10

I showed you what you see if you turn the cam to my right. This is what you see when I hold it over my shoulder.

 

 

Anyhow, I decided to write even if I don't have a whole lot to write about, isn't that GREAT? Hah. I wrote that yesterday (hence the "november9.html" thing) and that's all I got because I really didn't have a thing to say. I don't have a hell of a lot more tonight, but I'm drinking a glass of wine, and wine makes me feel funnier than I am, so I'll give it a shot.

 

I went to CVS the other night to pick up a prescription and some CVS things (greeting card, conditioner, chapstick) armed with my shiny new debit card. I brought all my stuff up to the pharmacy, stuck my card in the machine, put in my pin number and.....NOTHING. I tried again. NOTHING. Not a working pin number. I call the bank today and they tell me that the pin number should be the last four digits of my social security number, so I head off to the ATM over in the other building. I plug in the last four digits of my SS number and....wait for it....... WAIT FOR IT.....you got it. Error. I do it again. Error. I try my old pin number. Nothing. I walk away from the bank downtrodden. There will be no diet coke for me. As I walk back to my office I decide that I will stop by the bank closest to my house tomorrow after work, since it's Friday and banks are open late.

Back at my desk, I checked my bank balance online and found that there was a fucklot more money in there than there had been yesterday, which is illogical considering I'd written out some checks this week, so if anything, well, you know. Less. Not more. I have been paid. A day early. A bell rings somewhere in my mind. I got email from our payroll department last week. What did it say? WHAT DID IT SAY? Oh, right. We'd be getting paid a day early because of the Veteran's Day holiday on Friday, November 11th. That's when I realized, fine friends, that I am never going to be able to get cash. Ever. Because the banks are CLOSED on Friday. No after work banking for me.

Saturday morning, I am bringing my grandmother to the airport and then going for my hair fitting. No banking for me on Saturday. So, if you were planning on inviting me out to do something fun this weekend, we have to go someplace that'll take my debit card and run it like a credit card because I am totally cash broke. Like, if I want to get my usual morning coffee (vanilla, very light, two sweet and lows in case you were ever going to buy me one), I have to hunt out change to do so. I spent my last $4 on overdue library books.

So, what else is happening with me? Oh, I'm going up to Cape Cod next week. It's not a huge vacation, since I'm only going overnight, but a night at a beach house in Cape Cod and a day in Cape Cod is way better than a day sitting at work (not that I don't love work because I DO!!!) doing fascinating and interesting things. As always, I'm looking forward to the drive up almost as much as the actual arriving on the cape, because I love to drive. Hence, it may be time to plug in my ipod and get cracking with the new music.

 

I'm not sure if being in therapy is helping me out or not yet, but one morning last week, I was walking from my parking lot to my building and I had an honest to god epiphany, and it came from absolutely nowhere. Like a bolt of smarts out of the blue, and it was thusly: In my life, when people are angry with me, they tend to do things directly to me to hurt me or get back at me or whatever. When I am angry at other people, I do things to hurt myself (note: I don't mean cutting or anything like that). It was a moment of absolute clarity, which are few and far between for me. Since the epiphany (perhaps I will dub this time "PE" for Post Epiphany [and hope I am not sued by Public Enemy]I've felt a hell of a lot better about things. I'm slowly realizing that all the shit in my life isn't entirely my fault. That I'm willing to say when I am (was, will be) wrong and I have to be able to forgive (myself, other people) and move past it, or else I'll never grow as a person and I don't want that. I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to feel scared about my future. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, and I can't keep internalizing all of it, because it makes my hair fall out, not to mention making me a person I am not. So, there you have it. A little self forgiveness. A little understanding for people I love, to always remember to say what I feel. To voice my concerns. To say what I mean. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to do all of that and it's got me all dicked up.

 

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm still working on a glass of wine.

 

the other day - home - email - soon