February 26

 

Hi. My name is Dana, and I have a problem. I admit that I am helpless in the face of this problem. Admitting it is the first step, right? Well, my name is Dana and I can't stop buying perfume. Pictured above is only a small sample of my collection, but they're all I could round up, and I'm going to explain each scent to you, so if you're perfume wary or perfume neutral, you might want to go do something else, although I can't promise that I'll be updating again any more quickly, so take what you can get. Oh, and for the sake of total disclosure, the Aveda you see is not perfume, it's hand cream, but I didn't notice it sneaking in. Maybe it was jealous. I share so you all may learn from my expertise:

 

In no particular order:

 

Coco Mademoiselle Chanel: I got this as a gift last year and realized that I didn't really like it a whole hell of a lot. The fact that there's less than half a bottle left might belie that, but there's something off about the scent. It's not quite Coco, which I love and it's not quite Chanel #5, which I used to like. It's musky and powdery. Musky is okay with me, powdery is not.

Lanvin Vetyver: I had no idea this was a cologne for men, but fear not! It's definitely light enough for a woman. I am a sucker for anything with Vetyver. I sort of wish I knew what vetyver was so that I could go out and grow some and roll around in it. This is light, but not floral. It's not spicy and I wouldn't classify it as a winter scent. Is that helpful? Heh, I thought so.

Kenzo Jungle: True story! I wore this a few years back on my way to Chicago and I was pulled out of the boarding line BECAUSE THE GUY LIKED HOW I SMELLED AND WANTED TO SEE WHAT I WAS WEARING. He rooted through my bag and pulled out the bottle and was like "damn, I need to get my girlfriend some of this!" It's musky and if you have any negative feelings about Patchouli, it's not for you. According to the Sephora website (an aside: if Sephora had a credit card, I would be in deep trouble) the notes are Mandarin, Cardomom, Caraway, Licorice, Patchouli and it's a "wild, independent, and sensual fragrance". If you can't handle it, back off ladies. It smells like nothing else and I love it, though I don't wear it on a day-to-day basis. Oh, and lest I forget, the cap (which I've long since tossed out) is festooned with a metal elephant. Which means WILD.

Lily Prune, Patchouli Chic: As you can see, I love patchouli and musky fragrances. I bought this at a very cool apothecary in Chicago with Wendy because NO MATTER WHERE I GO, I can't not buy perfume. I've never seen this brand sold anywhere else and offhand, the only way I can think to describe it is an interesting take on patchouli. It's doesn't evoke a Phish concert or unwashed pits. The woman I work with loves it, and that's got to be a fine recommendation, right?

Boucheron: Someone needs to keep me away from the line of Boucheron perfumes, because I love them too much. Anyhow, this particular Boucheron has been around since 1988, and anything with the whiff (hah, HAH) of the 80s upon it, I'm usually sort of wary about, and the notes aren't scents I usually enjoy (Tangerine, Apricot, Bitter Orange, Tagete, Basilica, Galbanum, Ylang-Ylang, Tuberose, Jasmine, Orange Blossom, Narcissus, Tonka Bean, Sandalwood) but it works. Maybe because I don't exactly what Tagete, Basilica, Galbanum or Tonka Bean are and my love for Sandalwood balances it all out.

Gres, Cabaret: I'm not sure why I bought this, but you can't get it at Sephora anymore. I found this description somewhere: "Seduction was the inspiration for Cabaret by Parfums Gres. This truly exceptional woody floral fragrance is comprised of vibrant floral accords such as rose, lily of the valley, peony, and pink bay layered over middle notes of incense and blue orris, and finished with sensual sandalwood, amber, and musk. Notes include Rose, Lily of the Valley, Peony, Pink Bay, Blue Orris, Woody/Amber Notes, Violet, Incense Wood, Patchouli, Indian Sandalwood, Amber, Musk." I think it's too sweet and the floral overruns the musk, which is a no-no for me. Overall, it's nice, but I wouldn't slather it on during the summer. It gets points (didn't know I was keeping score, did you?! Well, really I'm not.) for a swell bottle. Also, I have no idea whether or not it's seductive, because I didn't spray it on and attempt a seduction scene.

Trussardi, Skin: This is a very unusual scent, and I imagine people would love it right away or hate it right away (which I confess is how people feel about me). I don't think you can buy it in a store, and the description I found called it a "sharp floral", which is apt. It's sweet, but has an edge. (again, sort of like me). After Sephora stopped selling it, and I ran out I was sort of sad, but I found it at Marshall's for like a 15th of what I'd originally paid. I have a weird memory association with it--it reminds me of when Angelo was in rehab, right after his brain surgery.

Manuel Canovas, Le Vert: I've worn this once, to the Britney Spears concert until Nicole and I ended up in Bloomingdales and I bought a perfume I liked way more. I'm sure the combination of the two was nothing short of lethal, but whatever. I thought I smelled nice. I've never heard of Manuel Canovas, but I found a description which upon reading seems like the kind of fragrance I'd run in the other direction from: "New! Bright, fresh notes of Tangerine, Melon, Pineapple and Litchee are wrapped up in a breeze of marine notes. The heart of this fragrance is composed of a floral bouquet that includes Muguet, Wild Rose, Jasmine, Honeysuckle, Wisteria and Frangipani. The drydown is made up of a mosaic of precious exotic woods, which are in turn enveloped in sweet, fruity mouth watering notes." I didn't notice anyone's mouth watering, and I'm not sure how I feel about being wrapped up in a breeze. I don't at all remember what this smells like, and I'm not about to spray it right now because my room is starting to smell like a classy whorehouse.

Coco Chanel: What can I say about Coco that hasn't been said a million times? It's timeless and elegant. It smells like fancy winter Holiday parties where people wear velvet and drink sensibly. According to what I've read, it's J Lo's favorite perfume, but I'm sure now her own classy perfume is her favorite. Hers is nice for when you're scouring the racks at Burlington Coat Factory or hunting through the cut out bins at a record store. Coco is "built on a major amber-y chord" and really, isn't that all you need to know? It's not a summer fragrance AT ALL, so don't bust it out for your pool party.

Calvin Klein, Contradiction: I haven't worn this in years, because it reminds me of my sister-in-law dying, and at the same time I can't bear to throw it away. I don't remember what it smells like, and I'm not going to spray it, but it gets points for cool brushed metal packaging. I wouldn't even swear that CK still makes it. They seem to only make perfume for the 17 year olds I see slathering on inappropriate makeup at malls (note: that goes double for anything Tommy Hilfiger makes.) According to Essentual UK, it's still being made and it's dubbed as a "joyful oriental", whatever that might mean. Sounds sort of racist to me.

Chanel No. 5: So, the one time I wore this, Nick and I were going out with our friend Rob (if you're old school bobofett, you might remember him as "Robio", based on a drunken conversation he had with us the very night I'm discussing here). Anyhow, we swing by his house to pick him up and he was already shitty drunk. He starts sniffing the air, and says "Sumthin' smells all powdery, kinda like a baby. Who is it? You know, I bet babies would be good to eat!!" Does anyone want to smell powdery? I don't think I do, and I realized at that moment that I was not going to be counted as a fan of the #5. It's almost heresy to say that, but I stand by it. I don't like Chanel No. 5. Sephora calls it the "first great abstract perfume" but to me, it's pretty straightforward. I can't throw it out, because I think it's against the law to toss Chanel and I'm not taking any chances.

Boucheron, Jaipur Saphir: I never know whether the perfume is called "Jaipur" or "Saphir", but does it matter? Not so much. Here's the pompous description from Sephora: "Boucheron's new fragrance combines the harmony of blue with the magic of jewelry to pay homage to today's femininity."First of all, this perfume was created in 1998, so it's not very new anymore. Secondly, I don't know that I'm comfortable with a perfume paying homage to my femininity. That seems a little familiar to me, so BACK OFF Jaipur Saphir. Thirdly, what in the fuck does "the harmoney of blue" mean? Ahem. This smells like a secret memory which is none of your business, so step. In fact, don't wear this perfume, because it's mine. I'm not even going to tell you what it smells like. It's gross.

Boucheron, Jaipur Homme: The second of the men's cologne I've worn, it smells like Hot Guy. End of story. There's a super old maintenance guy in my building who wears it, and it makes me feel funny in a special place whenever he walks by. Not, of course, because he's hot, but because he smells hot. HOT.

Boucheron, Trouble: This is the last (and the newest) of the Boucheron's (did that sentence make sense? It's the last Boucheron perfume I own, it's also their newest scent). I have loving mixed feelings about this scent. It's got a little bit (okay, a lot) too much vanilla for my liking. Unless I'm eating it, I don't want to smell vanilla. However, because I love the Boucheron so very much, I made an exception. The description I found is WAY over the top, and I'll share it: "The new women's fragrance. Enigmatic | Audacious | Opulent. An enigmatic woman is seen in half-light. A serpent, the signature of Boucheron jewellery and of the new fragrance Trouble, coils around her neck, a symbol of temptation. Red like the woman's ruby lips, red like the Trouble bottle, the snake becomes a precious, rare and unique jewel. A sensual, enchanting Fresh Oriental fragrance. Trouble makes a sparkling first impression, then opens into a ravishing floral heart. The deep, powerful floral tone blossoms with beautiful sensuality. Under these voluptuous notes, exquisite woods add powerful character. Carnal and enchanting notes that give Trouble its undeniably modern feel." UH HUH. That's me, right? If they'd replaced the sort overpowering vanilla with something else, it might actually be a perfect scent. Next time, Boucheron. I mean, they got the men's cologne absolutely perfect, so I'll give them a break.

Hermes, Eau des merveilles: Can I describe a perfume as "jittery" and have that make sense? It's lovely, and the primary note is ambergris, which is something thrown up by whales. No, seriously. I think I'm right on by calling it jittery, because the notes are all over--pepper, ink, tobacco, lemon, orange. It has no floral notes at all, which makes me pretty happy. It sounds horrible, but it isn't. It's nice. I wouldn't lead you astray.

Alfred Sung, Shi: In the early 90s, when I first became a perfume hound, I wore Sung like it was going out of style. I had the deodorant. The body lotion, the shampoo, the talc. Basically, the whole shit and shebang. I still like the scent, but it's not 1990 and I'm not skanking it up at a Toasters show, so I evolved. Shi is by far the lightest perfume I have, and because I don't do anything half way, I don't wear it all that often. I recommend it to a lot of friends who can't wrap their brain around musky, oriental, or woody scents. It's very, very soft. But not weird soft like that Clinique Happy (no offense if you wear it, but I think it's gross). Shi is made up of Water Lily, Fig Leaves, Orange Blossom, Frangipani, Water Musks, Silver Birch. How could you go wrong? Isn't that what girls are supposed to smell like? Water Musks?

Comme des Garcons: This perfume is fucking weird. Not sexy weird like Kenzo Jungle, but balls out weird. I love it for the weird, but it's difficult to wear. I can't find anything about it, because I'm pretty sure they aren't making it anymore, but the best I can give it is pepper, tobacco, bark, dirt. It sounds gross, but it works. The designers for Comme des Garcons specialize in unstructured designs, leaving arms off and shit like that. Let me put it this way, if this perfume could talk, the first thing it would say is "Please, Go Fuck Yourself". Then it would steal your cigarettes and a bottle of expensive booze and run out the door.

Narciso Rodriguez for Her: This is my favorite perfume right now, and I could not even explain why--it's not like anything I've ever worn or anything you'd think I'd wear, though now that I know what the notes are, it makes more sense: "A heart of musk with honey flower, radiant amber and warm wood." People comment when I wear it, and I've never EVER gotten the notes right, because everyone says it smells like something else (lily of the valley is pretty common, which is totally off). It's expensive, sort of, and it's hard to find. So far, I've had to trek to Bloomingdales to buy it (note: It was the perfume I bought before the Britney Spears concert. When I ran out, Nicole happened to be at Bloomingdales, and she picked it up for me, so I guess it wasn't a trek at all). I think that if you've hung out with me over the past 8 months or so, this is what you'd think of me smelling like, if in fact you were going to think of me smelling like anything. Like, if someone were in a crowed wearing it, you'd look around and be like "Dana?!" but I wouldn't be there. I'd be right here, writing about it. A++++++++.

Moschino, Couture! I bought this a couple weeks ago, but it's not at all my kind of scent. I think, however, that it IS Nicole's kind of scent, so I'm going to pass it along to her, if she wants it. Sephora calls it a "OVERWHELMING and vibrant" I feel that I'm overwhelming enough as I am, and there's just something about this scent that doesn't work for me. I appreciate that it's lovely, but it's too...SOMETHING. It wasn't cheap, so I don't want it to just sit around. If Nicole hates if, perhaps one of YOU would like it. The notes are: Bergamot, Mandarin, Pepper, Peonies, Jasmine Pomegranate Flower, Poppy Seed, Vanilla, Cedarwood. Also, it's difficult to live up to a perfume with an exclamation point in the name. It implies a PARTY WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE, which isn't so much the case. Particularly since I'm sitting home on a Saturday afternoon writing about perfume. I need help.

Yves Saint Laurent, Nu: This wins for the coolest bottle. It's a circle, the lid lifts off, and the perfume bottle is in the bottom of the circle. Hah, that was a terrible description, but there you go. It's got a great write up, too: "mysterious, complex and always in control. From the scent itself to the strikingly unconventional bottle, Nu is steeped in designer Tom Ford's modern vision. The fragrance reveals its contrasting facets gradually. Incense absolute makes for a vibrant, intriguingly androgynous base; wood and spice notes create layers of intensity and sexuality; a heart of wild orchid and sparkling bergamot top notes add emotion and freshness. It is luxury and femininity with no concessions." I don't know that I'm always in control, and I can't say that I know who Tom Ford might be, but for something I picked up at Marshalls for 15 dollars, I love it.

Prada: This is almost a brand new fragrance, and I love it. (Bergamot Oil Italian, Orange Oil, Bitter Orange Oil, Mandarin Flower, Mimosa India, Rose Absolute ABS, Schinus Molle ABS LMR, Peru Balsam, Patchouli Oil LMR, Raspberry Flower, Labdanum Resinoide LMR, Tonka Bean ABS LMR, Vanilla Absolute, Musk, Sandalwood Oil.) I'm too poor and clumsy to wear Prada shoes, I'm too fat to wear Prada clothes, and I never go anywhere fancy enough to necessitate a thousand dollar purse, so the perfume suits me just fine. I'm not sure what the code is all about with the LMR and the ABS business, but it's sexy and nice. Of everything I own, with Narciso Rodriguez being my favorite, this is my second favorite.

 

Of course, this list doesn't count fragrance oils, body sprays or the additional 10 or so perfumes I was too lazy to go digging around for. I wear probably 5 of these regularly. They ranged in price from about 15 dollars (from Marshalls) to probably about 110 a bottle. What? 110 is a perfectly reasonable price to pay to smell nice. Which I DO.

Have perfume questions? Shoot 'em my way. I'm always happy to help.

 

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