October 16
I'm too sexy for a photo..
Every time Nick or I have make phone calls at home over the course of the past, say, 6 or so months, we've been treated to every possible scenario of line trouble, ranging from a little bit of static to some hissing and popping to hearing ghost voices off there in the world of fiber optics somewhere to full out "HELLO??HELLO?? GET OFF MY LINE!!" It reached the pinnacle of wrong when our line was crossed with a local design company, the owner (or flunky, since this guy had a nicklebag of attitude) of which would lose his mind when he realized I was chatting with a friend or my mother or something when he was losing business because his stupid customers were getting a busy signal. (A true talk I had with him, while on the phone with someone else:
Him: Hello, Name of Shitty Ugly Gold LamÈ Designs, Unlimited!
Me: Oh, Im sorry, we're having some phone troubles, it seems you've been crossed with my home phone.
Him: Well! This is a BUSINESS!
Me: I realize that, I've already called the phone company. Maybe you should too, you're a business. They might listen to you.
Him: I will, but your being on the phone is costing me MONEY! MY CALLS CAN'T GET THROUGH!!
Me: I'm ON THE PHONE!
Him: Get off!
Me: Uhh...no, I'm not done talking..Etc. It happened again and again that weekend until he finally pitched a gigantic spazz to his person at the phone company and they came out and fixed it. The point I've neglected to make is that two weeks prior, we'd also called in trouble: noise on the line, which they came out and fixed, breaking the DSL line in the process. The gigantic spazz guy from Gold LamÈ Designs got his line back, we got ours back, but: no DSL. Broken. Several days pass, they fix it, we all go merrily along. I have entries with photographs, everyone thinks I'm doing work at work, life lumbers on.
Then we notice it: our phone line getting fuzzy again. Weird beeping and popping. Weird doppelganger voices in the distance. The phone disconnecting ("Uh...hullo....?") at strange times. We bite our lips and make the service call. Two days later, we have an utterly noise free line, but....yes. No DSL. None. Nada. I don't even pretend to understand how this happens, why it happens, what the point of it happening might be. I'm not yet convinced that I'm getting how DSL service is superior to the modem we had. I don't yet know, because we haven't even had one month of uninterrupted service. Ask me in 6 months. Bastards.
The point of this tale of sorrow and tears is that DSL is down at Dana's House. No DSL means fewer entries, and I know that fills you with unhappiness. I know how you all weep and freak out when I'm not right there, right with you, all the time. Don't worry, my pets, it'll be fixed soon. Until that time, I promise as many jolly photograph free entries as I can muster up.
Monday:
Man. So when I was talking about not having DSL I was all cool about it because I was under the impression that I'd actually get it back someday in the not so distant future, not in some far off spaceman phonecompany time wherein they interpret each day like a minute, and so when you call and insist "My DSL has been down for one week!" they cheerfully blink their blank little eyes over the phone and say "One week? No, no! One MINUTE, customer 105,456,333! One tiny, inconsequential minute! How could you have even noticed that your DSL line was down for one minute? There, there. Do not be angry! Haven't you had a better time without it, really?"
And damned it it's not half true. Aside from my little twitchinesses here and there about not being able to check my email obsessively at night, I've discovered that without it, I get to sleep earlier, I wake up earlier, I get more done. I am a more productive member of not only my household, but society in general. My dog's mange is gone, the rabbits are toilet trained. I do the laundry as soon as we make it. I've taken to cooking gourmet meals: "This? Oh, it's nothing! A mere trifling!" I've regrouted the bathroom tiles. I built a deck. I brewed homemade Kahlua. I trimmed the neighbors hedges. Tweaking about no DSL? What? Shut the fuck up, I am not!
Seriously, I had a terrific weekend. The weather was absolutely perfect (I'm sure it was the end to the Indian Summer we seemed to be in enjoying) and on Sunday, we all (=me, Nick, Robio) took a drive down to New Jersey to my favorite tag team of stores, Picachu Plaza and Ikea. (Man. Talk about a haven for the easily distracted. I was all "Look! Hello Kitty! LOOK!! BATZMARU!! LOOK!! What does that say? Look!!! LOOK!!" and grabbing stuff and freaking out: "Nick! NICK! NICK! NICK! LOOK! LOOK! That thing's called a Poopa! Look! LOOK!! LOOK!") Some of the non-food highlights of the trip include little stationary sets (6 sheets of paper festooned with some evil looking creature, 3 envelopes) I'm such a fool for:
1.) "Blue Bear: I will be watching you from the sky. Don't be afraid, my friend!"
2.) "Natural Feeling: Friendship is being given horse you're always wanted. Have a nice day."
3.) "I know you are Depressed...Well, look on the bright side. And compared to absolute, hopeless despair, depressed is cheerful."Then, the notepad. Cover reading: "Your best frend, BEST FRIEND BEAR!" who's some ripoff of Winnie the Pooh, except for the cranky balloons he's gripping. I'm an especial moron for the notepads because you never can tell what they're going to say because you can't open them in the store, so it's like getting 100 little gifts of zany laughter:
Zany Laughter A-Z:
(all direct from notepad to you, including incorrect spelling, which you might typically dismiss as me just being a fool, "Dana, you know there's a DIFFERENCE between BREAK and BRAKE, you dumbass, and this PIECE OF particularly STINGING MAIL pointing out HOW STUPID YOU ARE will drive that point home!!!!!! HAH! You think you're so clever and yet you don't even know where to put an apostrophe!!" are in this case not errors of me. Very few types of mail annoy me as much. I digress..)
a: HEY! PLEASE BRING IT BACK HOME TO ME. Nice to meet you. I know our love forever. I give you the best of my love.
b: Wherever You Go, Whatever You Do, I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You. HEARTY THE LOVE. (*uhh... isn't that a terrible easy listening song, minus the Hearty love? And I've got to mention that the world "hearty" always makes me think of Campells soups. Man, I am a child of the television. Soupy love. Hah!)
c: Every man is the architect of his own fortune. WOW!
d: Anything For You. I Want To Know Love Is What..Through Clouds I See Love Shine. we are friends forever.
e: I Honestly Love You! Hello! To get your face out of my mind. To see the world through different eyes. Lovely Cute Yelly! (it is worth noting that Cute Yelly has wings on her back that look like gigantic human ears.)
f: I feeling love! Hush!
g: Make someone happy. Make just one someone happy!
h: ANGELPOTATOES*: It's written in the wind, it's everywhere I go. So if you really love me. Come on and let it show! (*They are, in fact, potatoes. I can't figure what's angelic about them, except they've got faces. Which would be some kind of miracle. That lord certainly does work in mysterious ways, oh yes he do!)
i: My Best Friend Chicken. I love my life. I love my friend. Help me! I can't do it!
j: I'll always beside you. We are friend forever.
k: Lovely Biby. Like being in dreaming.
l: I just fell! I don't know why!
m: Today is Princesses day! My Cute Friend! Sweet Princess!
n: I get lost in your eyes and i feel my spirits rise. And soar like the wind. Is it love I am in? Today is HAPPY! Pretty flowers and dancing and flying! How fantastic it is!
o: HAPPINESS. When I am deep inside of me.....Don't be too concerned.
p: Until the ocean doesn't touch the sand. Now and forever I will be your man.
q: Spore Love. HELLO! I'm WITTO!
r: For the GOOD TIMES. Now I can rest my worries and always be sure!
s: Are you okay? Help me! I'm Ping Ping!
t: I can't contain myserf for joy!
u: Rabbit Sweet Cherry: I never want to lose the innocence.
v: Hum hum Hum! Nice to meet you. It's a new type of Hum Hum.
w: Blue is pretty color so I like it.
x: Happy Happy Monkeys. I was very much pleased with nature's blessing.
y: She walks in beauty like the night. Of cloudless climbes and starry skies. Today is very happy because of YELLY!
z: Cock--->ChildrenThe only time English is used correctly is when song lyrics are being quoted. Being a song lyric freak along with just about losing my shit over japanese to english translations makes me want to write on nothing, for the rest of my life, except for little notepads. I am physically unable to resist the lure of something in poor translation. A character flaw on my part? Sure. But show me a "Superior ingredients give this gum its deliciously! Power UP!" or hand me a can of Pocari Sweat. Put a box of Men's Pocky in my sight or offer me a chocolate bar which reads "Let's Enjoy It!" I am a giggling fool.
All things considered, I always dump enough money in Picachu Plaza for me to say, each and every time "Man, it would be cheaper for us to all just fucking go to Japan with empty suitcases.."
And So Forth:
Hopefully, DSL will be back tonight. I wouldn't hold my freaking breath about it, though. If I owe you email, blame it on the time/space/DSL thing. Or, blame it on midnight. Or the bossanova. Or the moon. You choose.
the other day/home/email/tomorrow
I'm like a headtrip to listen to ëcause I'm only giving you
Things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of yaíll
And I donut gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
I just get on the mic and spit it and whether you like to admit it
I just shit it better than 90% of you rappers out can