October 18
Wow. This looks entirely more snarly than I expected. Reer!
Family Love Love Time:
I've determined that I really enjoy having my grandparents here. Last night, we all jammed into the truck to take a ride to Norwalk to go to Stew Leonard's. This might not seem like an occurrence out of the ordinary for me: I am a big fat thing, and I love to go grocery shopping, BUT, it was unusual because I had just been the night before. Yes. Two nights of Stew Leonard's. I decided to go again because as I walked around on Monday night, looking at everything, I said to myself "Self, you really ought to have called Angelo. Angelo would be all over this place!" The feeling was so strong, it provoked me into going home and calling him to see if he wanted to go the following night. As it turns out, not only he, but Eleanor wanted to go, so I had two nights of hot Stew action in a row.
I don't know if you've ever tried to get into the back seat of a pickup truck. It is no easy task if you are young and spry. If you are 80, it becomes almost a comedy routine. Even with a step stool (purchased, I might add, specifically to get them in and out, despite the Angelo's constant insisting: "I'm can still get around, Dane. Not like your Grandmother...") In any event, I get them loaded in and we're off.
Every few minutes, I'd hear a "Yep..it's nice and roomy back here.." as Angelo kneed Eleanor in the kidneys. "PLENTY of room back here!" My Grandmother turned around "If you had any room at all, you wouldn't keep talking about how damn roomy it was, would you?" "NO, no! I mean it! LOTS of room!" "Yeah, right!" "It IS, this is a big truck!" He looked out the window, and it was all quiet except for my gentle chattering (my chattering is gentle when I'm with my grandparents, I grow more patient and kind and everything. Friends laugh at me. "A ding-dong? Dana...did you just call someone a DING DONG?? That was very sweet!") when, from the backseat, Angelo says to my grandmother "Sooo....do YOU want to sit back here on the way home? There's really a lot of room and it's not so hard to get into and out of!!" Pah!
So, Stew Leonard's was all about love. They adored it.
Running Commentary From October 17, 2000:
"Real Rye bread? What? How do people in Connecticut know about RYE BREAD? There probably aren't any...oh, LOOK...seeds!! Woah...look...is that milk? They probably don't sell 2 percent milk here, I mean why would....LOOK! 2 percent milk!! And wait...we need creamer. Do they have creamer? Let's keep going...wait, can I just TRY the cider? Wow! For free? Woahh....look at those cuts of beef. Look at those short ribs, now THOSE are short ribs!! Oh, my god. Lobster salad. 15 dollars a pound?? That seems awfully pricy...WOAH, EL...wait..look...smoked nova lox! 3 dollars for that container? Grab one!! Wait..grab one for Dane, too. Does Nicky want one? Make sure you get stuff that Nicky will eat, too! Does Nicky want a ham? Do you want a ham? How about some brisket? Olives? Cheese? What are these little tiny tomatoes? Am I allowed to just TAKE them? Wow. They're tart! Portabello mushrooms. You know, they're FROM Connecticut. Wait. Hold on, Angelo? Do you want pie? Let's go back and get some pie! Get something for Nicky. Does Nicky like pie? What? Cannoli? Get them? When are we getting ice cream? There's ice cream here, right? Where is it? Where do we pay for the stuff? Wait, is that sushi? That's raw food, right? What about ice cream? Where do we get the ice cream? Let's check out! Put your money away!! No, PUT IT AWAY!! Where's the ice cream? I'm thirsty and need ice cream!! What flavors do they have? Order me a large strawberry. I want a Butter Pecan. Yes, it's okay that it's frozen yogurt. Mm. Ice cream. I was thirsty. You gonna finish that? I see you're struggling, I'll finish it, give it here! How are you going to get the packages in? They'll fit in the back seat, there's plenty of room, Dane. You're going to tie them in the back? Nobody steals your rope? What's that? Oh, it's one of those stretchy things like I have in the basement, look El! Look! She has one too! Ohh..how clever, all the bags together. And they're not going to fly up when you drive? Look...there are stores here that we have in Brooklyn. Somehow, I feel comforted seeing stores that are the same. Hello, MacDonalds! Hello, Mobil station! We have those in Brooklyn! Norwalk is big! This is Westport? Where are we going? Is this 95? The Merit? It's dark here, and kind of creepy, but I'm sure it's nice when it's light. I have no idea where we are. This back seat, Dane, you were right! When I move my knees this way, there's plenty of room! Deer? There are deer here? There must be a supermarket around and they leave stuff out for them to eat! Hey, we're on 34! I know where we are! Gonna come in for a while? Mm...these lox are really good! Have some! Try some! Have some pie! Want some bread? Have some herring, it's really good! Look, I'm going to make lobster bisque out of this! Soon, it'll be time that we can go whiting fishing, and you know how to do that, right? The way you move the pole? Watch...watch.. it's like this.. And, don't tell your grandmother about it, but I did all this for her. Look at the floor! I fixed it! Look what a good job I did! Look how it matches! And then the blinds! And we did all this stuff. We've been working really hard since we got here. Oh, is Nicky waiting for you? He didn't wait for dinner, did he? It's 9:00! Do you always eat this late? Okay, well thanks for taking us, drive safe! I love you! That was fun and when you get home, do me a favor, so your grandmother doesn't worry, call us up on the phone and ring twice and then hang up, just so we know you got there safe.."
I'm Going on Vacation, Mind The Vomit:
It's that time of year again, when Nicole and I get our shit together and plan a road trip. Boston was about partying. This trip, to Maine, is about shopping. I think. At least that's what I was able to figure from Nicole, who was on a "I hate men, I need to get away, let's go to a spa and relax and sip wine [Danger, Danger!] and shop and have nice dinners! And not deal with the MAN THING at all!" I replied, "So, what you're looking for is a lesbian outlet shopping city?"
Portland, Maine. It was as random as anything else. Less random than, say, the call back I got 10 minutes after agreeing to go away: "How about VEGAS???" "VEGAS? In what way does Vegas say relaxing, spa or wine sipping? That says eat a rack of ribs, drink whiskey, sell my engagement ring for bond money and wind up whores."
So, Portland Maine. It doesn't scream party time. It's close to LL Bean. It claims to be "a city second only to San Francisco on the number of exciting restaurants per capita" Which is really rather curious. Who got the job of going from place to place, determining whether or not they were exciting? Did the boring places not count? What made an eating establishment exciting? Do the waiters serve you flaming plates wearing roller skates? Do they juggle knives over your head? Do they throw peanuts at you? Do they scream "Go on, CRY...cry, you sissy!! You know you want to cry, so CRY for your food, you bitch sissy!! What? You want that medium well? Yeah? Well, we all want something, freak! You'll get it how I feel like giving it to you and you'll LIKE IT!" "A glass of white zin? What? Pussy! You'll have GIN, straight up. Tonight you become a man! Chug, you fucker, CHUG and may god have mercy on your little sissy soul if you puke out even a drop!"
Yeah. Portland, Maine. It seems rather like milk toast to me. How much trouble can we possibly get into in Maine? In my little tri state area brain, Maine is a vast land of enormous trees and people in plaid flannel shirts. There's hearty soup with potatoes and moose and hippies. There's women who milk cows, people in pickup tru...oh, never mind. It's probably people no more or less like people everywhere else, and I haven't ever really been to Maine. Plus, it's only 4 hours away and it seems like it should be much, much further. We drank a6 pack within the first 40 minutes of our journey to Boston. Imagine how much we can drink in 4 hours*! [*Please note: Drinking and driving is bad and wrong and I am almost 85 percent kidding. Okay, 80 percent.]
Okay, so I was going to make this the photograph up at top instead of a pic of me, back before our DSL was not broken. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your school of thought on the matter, DSL has been restored to its previous working state and you're all left with pics of my eye. However, this photograph of Bryan Ferry is so utterly sexy to me, so very and completely astonishingly holy shit stop in my tracks weak at the knees sexy, I thought I just might include it anyhow. I don't know what it is, why it is or how it is, but man. Wow. Am I wrong? Is this not sexy?
Let me start again
Disguise
It's too weird to explain
Why I'll
Always call your nameAdieu; with you
I could be anything
That I want to beWhirlwind
Wildfire and driving rainWheels spin
Bowl me over hurricane
Whirlwind