October 26
Today's Haikus for Jews:
Scrabble anarchy
after putzhead is placed on
a triple word score
Im Fucking Kreskin: (well, hold on there a minute. I'm not fucking Kreskin. I think he's really old. I meant that in the "whattya, think yer Kreskin?" kind of way)*
I had no idea the model egg donation thing was on TV last night. Wow. I've got my finger on the pulse of the nation. Amazing! I only brought it up because I started thinking about my aborted (sorry) attempt at the sharing of the fruit of my loins. I'd read an article about picking and choosing your egg donors based on academic record & looks. One person wrote and told me that they'd be HONORED to have my ovum. I feel special. I would gladly give each and every one of you an egg were you in such need. If I loved you, I might even do it for free.
I also had no idea the ruckus ugly people would cause. Goddammit. I'm gonna put pics of ugly people in every entry. I guess it's that ugly people are silly. And they're especially silly because they've stuck their faces up there on the WWW for everyone to be staring and gawking at. That's the silliest thing. I understand that no one wants to think of themselves as ugly, but LOOK AT SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE. There is no way in holy hell that any of them (with a few exceptions: the woman with the hair and tattoos, the couples) can possibly look at themselves in the mirror in the morning after brushing their teeth (which I'm not convinced all of them do in the morning) and say:
"I LOOK FABULOUS!"Because no one could possibly be that deluded. NO ONE. I don't believe it.
No, I believe it. BS leaves the house every day in her fucking rhinestone studded shirts and denim belts with matching denim high heeled shoes. And I can just see her blowdrying her hair in the morning, singing "It's raining men" and saying to herself:
"Woman, you are FIERCE!" and growling like Eartha Kitt (who is satan herself, fyi)
BS walks through the world showing people her infected finger, tossing her hair, humming tunelessly, making appointments for colonoscopies, bowel irrigations, rectal insertions, beaver retractions, pubic hair shapings, snot harvestings and anything else you could ever dream up. And, what amazes me is: She's never ever self conscious. Not ever for any reason. Today, she informed me:
"My butt is itching like nobody's business!! Makes sense, considering how much time I spent on the bowl this morning."
*this is not to say that the only reason I'm not fucking Kreskin is because he's old. What would prevent me from running around screwing everyone who was young if that was my reasoning?
Warning: Sappy Girl Link to Follow:
I'm obsessed with watching them. I cant wait to see what they do next. I want to play with one, bad. BAD, bad. Every once in a while, I catch them sleeping on this great big pillow and they always have some part touching, which I think is just too cute for words. I love that they're twins and that the zoo keepers are always interacting with them. I'm ignoring the fact that gorillas are supposed to be in the wild and not in diapers, tra la la. (Only visible during the day. I guess they let them sleep w/o light at night.)Later:
I hammered. I don't think I like it as much as I remember liking it. I think I liked it when I was young because accuracy & neatness didn't count. I didn't love the fact that it takes Nick 5 only hits to hammer in a nail but takes me 15. It made me feel wimpy. Now I'm going to go sulk.
Holy shit, though. We bought a dishwasher today. A DISHWASHER. Do you understand the implications? I am an adult. I OWN A DISHWASHER. Do you own one?? Did you buy it or did it come with your place of residence? All I know is that no one had better break into our house. We have a ton of unopened, paid for stuff sitting on the front porch. I would be most unhappy if someone came and yoinked everything.
Tomorrow is a big day for me. I'm finally taking The Sign. I'll say no more about it on the off chance that The Man is reading. There will be pictures. Oh, yes there will.
Heh. And You All Said *I* Was Going to Hell:
I got more mail about the ugly people than I've ever gotten about anything else. You people are gluttons, but I know what you're here to see, so I'm going to give them to you for the last time, okay?
The smoking woman is part of the reason I quit. I saw myself looking like that in 30 years.
The Yankees just pulled ahead by one. I must go watch.
Nick demonstrates the primary reason i won't get a cam at work:
people catch you eating donuts.
