October 27
Today's Haikus for Jews:
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
I'm hesitant to even start writing this, seeing as how bobofett has been down for hours and all. That shit pisses me off. I mean, I don't pay the monthly fee to have the page hosted because a friend of Nick's does it. But STILL. Dammit. It should be up all the time. At least for my own amusement's sake. So, if you've been trying to get in and couldn't, I apologize. I'm just as annoyed as everyone else. (I don't know that you're actually annoyed about it. I mean, maybe you were glad for the break.) Anyway, I'll continue writing today on the assumption that at some point I will have connection and everything will be not fotched anymore.
Guess Who?"believe me, if it was going to make anybody vomit, it would make me vomit!"
So this morning, BS was talking to Dave about his inability to print out some document he'd been working on. She said "Well, why don't you email it to the PC, and I'll try and print it from there?" He did, and as he was waiting for it to print out he asked her "Is the password on this machine still 'sunshine'?". "Oh, NO!" whispered she. "It hasn't been THAT for months!!" lowering her voice again "here's what it is, I'll write it down for you so you don't lose it!"
I whispered back:
"I already know what the password for the PC is, so whispering isn't going to keep it from me!"
Dave looked at me and started to laugh. I continued:
"And I plan to use my password knowledge for pure evil. I'm going to tell everyone. I'm going to post it up on all of the bulletin boards!! I'm going to design a website ABOUT THE PASSWORD TO YOUR PC!!!! I'm going to register the password AS A URL and TELL EVERYTHING I KNOW!! Jesus, CHRIST, it's JUST A PASSWORD."
She said:
"well! you'll have to explain to HIM (gesturing towards Dr. X's office) when unauthorized people use the machine!"
I snorted and said nothing, but thought:
That would entail him actually pulling his head out of his ass for a long enough period of time to interact with another human being for him to even NOTICE that there was someone sitting at that machine, which I would be very willing to bet doesn't happen too fucking often. After all, we're talking about a man who actually clings to the walls as he walks down the hall. A man who will LOOK THE OTHER WAY when walking past someone just so that he doesn't have to say hello. A man who hides in his office so that he won't have to accidentally run into anyone from his lab and have to have a conversation. HEAVEN FORBID someone mention something to him that's not science related.
One day, just for shits and grins, I'm going to walk over to him and say:
"Wow, Dr. X, I got my PERIOD today. I'm bleeding like MAD!! Do you know anything about getting rid of cramps? It's especially bad when I have sex. It feels like someone is ripping my cervix from my body!! And sometimes, when I do have sex, I find myself thinking about other things. Like interferon-g! Does that ever happen to you?? AND, on top of all of that, I've been super constipated lately. I wonder how come that happens?? Does that ever happen to you????"
He would die.
Furthermore, about BS: Have I mentioned the whispering? Not the whispering on the phone, but the talking to herself whispering? I'm pretty sure I have, but I don't think that I've said how BAD it is. She can't do ANYTHING without saying it aloud to herself first. She'll be rustling papers around and will be saying shit like: "oh...i need to go copy this. oh, no. wait. i cant do that yet. i have to do THIS first. but I have to go pee pee before i do anything else. and then i'll come back" And so on.
I've lucked out so far today. When she was packing up her stuff to leave (at 4:35) yesterday, she turned to me and said "You'd mentioned that you like Enya, right?" I said "No, I'd mentioned that I've HEARD Enya. There's a world of difference."
"Good, good. Im going to bring in her cds tomorrow so we can listen to them!"
So far, it's been an Enya free day, as every day in my life should be.
More Pie, Please!
There are things I feel like doing. Unfortunately, all of them involve pie, or lazing around the house, or eating bagels and none even factor in the gym. I'm telling you, I'm fucking apple pie lazy. Usually, if I'm feeling this way, it's more of a sitting around on my ass and do nothing thing. LATELY, I'm just like baaahhh...give me CAKE, heated, with ice cream and chocolate sauce!! I need potato chips and soda! I want nachos and guacamole. Im OUT OF CONTROL, i tell you. Nothing seems less appealing than putting on shorts and going to the gym. Well, practically nothing.
They're too fucking cute for words:
Goddammit. These gorillas are interfering with my ability to get any work done. I want to know what they're doing at all times of the day. I'm shut down by their cuteness. They're fucking with me and it's pissing me off. I keep telling myself: Dana. Stay away from the gorillas. They are leading you astray. You will not do anything but hit reload for 45 minutes to see if they've moved an inch and to see what they're climbing on and who's in there with them. Do I ever listen to myself? Negatory. The one thing that pisses me off is that they named them fucking tightass pesudo-Afrikan names. Dammit. They live in OKLAHOMA. Nick and I dubbed them Twinky and HoHo, and that's who they are.
Other Journals:
1. Hee. Ken makes me laugh. The phrase "Chalice of Agony" cracked my shit right up when I read it this morning.
2. This is the actual conversation that just took place between Nick and I:
Dana: (reading today's Book of Rob, which I'll link tomorrow when it'll have a date in the url) Oh. my. GOD.
Nick: What's the matter?
Dana: EEEE!! Read it!! READ IT!!!!
Nick: (reading)
Dana: Holy shit on a stick!! He LINKED ME. I'm FUNNY!! I make people piss!!
Nick: You ARE funny!! I told you that!!
Dana: But it's ROB!! I'm all choked up. I need a drink. He LINKED ME.So, I ran downstairs. Got a drink. Came back upstairs & reread it. Then lost my shit all over again.
Dana: Oh, crap.
Nick: What?
Dana: I had written this whole long thing about the new Volkswagen Beetles & them being girl cars.
Nick: Doesn't....?
Dana: Yes, he drives one. I don't want him to think I'm making fun of him. Jeez. I am such an asshole.So I took it out. Because I'm the biggest idiot to wander this earth. It was really pretty non-mean, but I certainly didn't want to offend anyone's ride. Especially someone who's writing I really, really like. See? I'm an ASS. Moving along.
LOOKY WHAT I STOLE!
Okay. You tell me. What could possibly rock more than this sign if your name happened to be Dana? It's been hanging in my parking lot for two years. For two years, I've lusted after it. I've concocted elaborate MacGuyver scenarios around getting it. There were grappling hooks, wires, masks, stealth mission, all to avoid the surveillance cameras. Then, we started hearing the rumblings: Lot 96A is closing! To make way! for a new! research building! Holy shit! Everyone's all in a lather about it. And I realized:
There will be no need for a B DANA sign if there is no lot. There is no need for the B DANA sign now, as no one from the DANA CLINIC (which, incidentally, my nephew thought was named after me), specifically parks there.
Hmm. Thought I to self. Perhaps this is a good time to ask the Lazy Lot Guard what was going to happen to the signs. Which I did. And he replied:
"Take anything you want. The cameras don't take pictures back there. I don't see anything. I don't know anything", turning his back on me.
This morning at 8:12, I pulled into the almost empty lot. Parked wwaaayyy the fuck in a weird place to park for an almost totally empty lot. Snuck behind the dumpster, climbed up the mountain of crack pipes, broken glass, used needles, bullets and dirt, scanned for the Evil Monolith of Education's Secret Police Goon Squad, yanked the sign down and headed back to my car.
At precisely the moment Goon Car drove by...
....but didn't think it unusual for an University Employee to be climbing out from behind a dumpster at 8:13 and kept right on driving.
Ahh. I got my sign. Really though,it's only proper. who else should B Dana?
I Wasn't Shitting You About This Guy:
Remember Thomas? The Dimpler guy? Well, he has a web page. I'm certainly not giving out the URL (unless you ask me very nicely..) but I thought I'd share this just so that you'd have more of an in-depth look at his assbag personality:
"The personal information contained on this Web site is aimed at facilitation of professional, scientific and social interaction. Inappropriate use of the material displayed is strongly discouraged. Thank you !"
INAPPROPRIATE USE of the material? What, if I might be so bold as to inquire, might that be? (is what I'm doing what he meant? My bad!) In what possible way does he think that his crappy little web page would at all facilitate professional, scientific OR social interaction?
What a total, total fool.
Okay, check this out. Someone emailed me the link to this guy's page. Where do I even begin to comment? It doesn't happen a lot, but fuck me, I can't even think of one thing to say at a time. The suit? The group of smarmy, swarthy men he's hanging out with?The money shot of him in the red speedo? The phrase "I live alone !!!!!!!!! I have home - car ......... "? The accordion? The fact that he looks like the kind of guy who'd toss a woman in the trunk of his car (or zip her into the pouch he tosses over his camel's hump), bring her home and let his herd of yak have their way with her?
Definitely, the ping pong action shot was most touching of all. If only he could be mine.
I KISS YOU!
