September 23

 

 

Okay, since yesterday I have had only one thing on my mind pretty much constantly. I'll forget about thinking about it for a couple of minutes and then I'm reminded. Something has moved in outside. This:

 

 

Sorry about the size, but I really felt as though you all needed to understand that this isn't too far off from life sized. This spider is living outside my house. See the legs? They're furry. See the fangs? IT HAS FANGS. Every moment I am at home, I am thinking about this spider, in it's web, outside. I'm pretty sure I know what TYPE of spider it is (a Garden Orb Weaver, non aggressive, non venomous) but for fuck's sake. LOOK AT IT!!!!!

I don't kill spiders. I mean, there are very few things in life I can say with all certainty that I do NOT do. Like, I don't drink gin or chardonnay. I don't root for the Red Sox (Go YANKEES!), I don't vote Republican, and I DON'T KILL SPIDERS. This spider, however, has burrowed into my psyche. Well, played, Garden Orb Weaver. VERY WELL PLAYED. I can't stop thinking about it. Right now, it's a lovely, windy Fall night. It would be awesome to be able to sit outside with a beverage and look at the stars, which I do, often. BUT NOW I CAN'T!! The wind might blow the spider into my hair and then, of course, I would have to kill myself. Read what I've learned about this spider, will you?

"Venom toxicity - the bite of Orb-Weaving Spiders is of low risk (not toxic) to humans. They are a non-aggressive group of spiders. Seldom bite. Be careful not to walk into their webs at night - the fright of this spider crawling over one's face can be terrifying and may cause a heart attack, particularly to the susceptible over 40 year olds."

CRAWLING OVER ONE'S FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The idea makes me soil myself. I am not over 40, but I AM SUSCEPTIBLE. I am sitting in the house, upstairs, about as far away as I can be from...IT (note: I know because I keep going outside with a flashlight to make sure it's still there) and yet, I am itchy! I am suddenly covered with mosquito bites (OR SPIDER BITES!) and the more I think about it, the more I scratch.

Why my house? Why? I mean, I have horrible neighbors. They sit outside and shout all hours of the night. They carry on their 3 am conversations in the middle of the street. Rather than their guests getting out of the car and ringing the bell, the guests park in front of my house and lay on the horn. WHY DIDN'T THEY GET THE GIANT HAIRY FUCKSPIDER?!!? WHY!?!?!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I said this to friends and family, I've said it on my flickr site, and I'm saying it here. If I wake up in the morning and there's a bird or a cat in that nest, I AM ABANDONING THE HOUSE. The spider can have it.

 

the other day - home - email - soon