June 23
My email seems to be working again, so if you were wanting to flood me with mail about my poetry but weren't comfortable sending it to "danathehutt", please, fire away at my regular account. Here's the rest of my heartfelt, thought provoking and, dare I say, SOUL WRENCHING poems:
Drugged and submerged
we drink eachother in
with our eyes
This place is a paradise
for the senses
and I feel
attachment to the inanimate things
I'm open + defenseless
from
the agressive need
that I come face to face
with.
But I shut my eyes
and wait -
knowing
that these
moments will pass
Okay, the next one I wrote because I was obviously furious with my mother for some reason. I remember that this poem was published in my HS literature thing and I couldn't show it to anyone because I knew she'd be furious and/or really upset. Moms, be warned. This is not for the faint of heart!!!
April 10, 1985
Watching you
half woman, half bear
I cringe. I sit, breathless,
tense, waiting for your next
attack.
You consume me with
your mammoth body, planning
every move we will make
through my life--you chart
the days, the nights
Every minute. how much
fun we will have you
say as I sit in horror +
disgust watching you
sharpen your claws for the
next blow.
I will marry a wealthy man, you say happily feasting
on my weary bones so that
I can make him mve close to you, so that you can
be with me ALWAYS.
After marrying you
say it would be wisest if I kept
with my schooling. I say nothhing
fearing constantly the
sharp fangs you keep hidden
waiting...for the slightest
words of disagreement.
As I continue to listen
to you, you unload all
of the burden that you
make me out to be
on me until, I collapse
under the strain, You
need no further encouragement.
You spring, claws digging
into my tired body, ravaging
until I can take it no more.
I surrender, allowing you
to live my life right
there with me
forever.
Hah HAH! She probably turned my request to go to a concert or something, which is funny considering I snuck out all the time. Poor mom. I remember being REALLY adamant about my anger, though and LOOK how it manifested itself. Just LOOK.
Green walls
are my chains
throughout the long
days
until
at last
I am free
to be near
pink walls, white walls
any colour
but the color my chains
Tall, ivory tower days
crumble to
dark, honey thick
nights.
I am one with
the pink-white of my
life
which at night
is my saivor.
Is that a poem about vaginas or WHAT? Also note the reemergance of the obnoxiously spelled COLOURS.
I look up
from my reverie
of words into the blank rows
I shift my
forsed
dramatic
Mona Lisa Smile
into a casual stare of bored
nonchalance.
The rows
do not react
and I continue to
stand,
Waiting for something
someone
to save me
then I see
you
in my distance
smiling and lighting up
the
cold room
"I look up from my reverie of words into the blank rows". Huh! Any idea what that MEANS? I can't figure it out myself. Do the rows react? The mind boggles.
Boiling hot sun
melts down
my cell walls
as the prisoners, myself
stratch their minds
towards the sky.
I remember freedom
as a brief
fleeting glimpse
Snatches of memories
that had been stolen
and snuck
past the
guards.
Heh. That one was signed "Dana Maiden Name Hyphen HS Boyfriend's last name". I might need to title all of these The Punishment Poems, because obviously, I wasn't allowed out of the house.
5 May 1985:
Thoughts on paper
can not convey
how I feel
They can not show you
how much of myself
I give up
willingly
to you.
You are my life
and my light
You are the stars we look to
for the future.
You are the friend
who always listens
when you need them to
You never judge
You never try to change
me.
You've accepted me,
from the bedinning
which is more than I
can say I've done for myself.
Okay, first, do we really look to stars for the future? Don't we look to stars for the PAST most of the time? Because isn't it a fact that most of the starlight we see is from like 100 billon million years ago? I'm no astronomer, but that's what I think. Also, the guy I am writing this for was the most loathesome toad you can imagine. He was EXTREMELY judgemental and would FLIP OUT if he saw me talking to the other boys. Just so you know. BUT, he also read my diary and would grill me about it if I wrote anything he didn't like and HE'D MAKE ME CHANGE IT AND I DID. He was a total fuckhead. Moving on.
5 April
The world can turn to
you
if you are sure that is
what you need
Your colours collide
leaving you with only grey
shadow memories
of a bright sunshine
past.
your future hangs uneasily
in the sky--
unsure if you are ready
to know of it.
Decisions
do not come easy
when your stars always fall
and black is only black
and red is only read
but the moon gives off light
There are about three lines at the end of that frantically crossed out, and try as I might, I can't read what they say. Bummer.
This one is written in pencil on a scrap of paper. You NEVER KNOW when the muse is going to hit you!!!!
I wish I had the
strength
to let you know
what I'm feeling
I wish I had
the time to
explain it all
I wish that you
could see that
together we are
one person
but alone
I am just me.
Aren't all people alone JUST ME?
13 July 1984
I sit
and the air
hangs
leaden
Trapped
within
my own
empty promises
playing with words,
always
WORDS
that mean
nothing
to anyone
but myself.
I frantically
search
for my
release
that never
comes.
Are you digging the one word lines? They are the BEST.
Here's the last one. Don't cry, my friends. I have STORIES, too. They're for a later date. I don't want to overwhelm you with my child prodigy like genius all at once.
The Fall
10 June 1984
8:28 pm.
Dana Maiden Name
When I sit alone,
the lights collide
making it hard to see
just how,
when I swore I'd never
fall,
I did.
When the sky turns
I know why
we are
where we are
and why
some must sit with noone
while I
sit,
fallen
but
joyous.
So, I hope you've enjoyed my walk down memory lane as much as I have. I hope you all went out and dyed your hair black and stuff. Because I SURE AS SHIT DID.
And lastly--did you know there is a NANNY REUINION in the works?!?!?!?!? I'm so happy, I don't actually know how to deal with it, and you're all going to mock me and make LIGHTS COLLIDE or something.