See? It's Porkins, and he is indeed a little porky.
The entire world seems to be talking about Star Wars. Seriously. It's manifested itself in my life only briefly--this is to say, I walk around singing something that might only be funny to me: "Star WARS! DO0 DO00 DOOOO STAR WARS!!!" Heh, Right. See? Not so funny.
Speaking of things that might only be funny to me, I present, in conjunction with Rob, a little Lunchtime Porkins Talk, for your reading pleasure:
Dana: Oh, hey. I have to ask you something. Have you ever heard of Porkins?
Rob: Porkins? Porkins. I have no idea what you're talking about
D: Porkins. I guess he was in Star Wars?
R: Oh, wait. Porkins, yeah. Wasn't he the fat guy at the end? He was one of the pilots, the fat one.
D: I guess so, I dont know. Nick has this little Star Wars action figure on his web cam at work. When I asked him who it was, he said "Porkins!" and I was like "Who the FUCK is Porkins?" and he was like "It's PORKINS!" When I asked him to be more specific, he just answered "PORKINS!!"
R: There is NOT a Porkins action figure.
D: No, there is! And right now, Porkins is bent over the hood of a little toy car! He's been doing all kinds of stuff on the cam. Fixing the car. Falling out of the car.
R: It's not Porkins! Why would it be Porkins?! Why would they make an action figure out of PORKINS?? I mean, come on. Porkins? Porkins had like two lines...
D: Seriously! Nick told me it was Porkins, and I have no reason not to believe him. I kept calling him "Porky" at first because I couldn't remember his name.
R: ...his lines were like "I want a bacon sandwich!" and "Oh no, the Empire, AARRHHHH!!" That's it!
D: That may be so, but there is a Porkins action figure!
R: I don't believe it. Why would they make a Porkins action figure? Did they make an action figure for every single other character in the movie? Can you imagine how many other action figures they'd have to make before they got to Porkins? I don't think it was really Porkins.
D: It is! It's Porkins! Nick showed me a web page!
R: What, are there Porkins FAN PAGES??
D: YES! Because when I said that I didn't have any idea who Porkins was, Nick sent me a link to some random page, and there was Porkins. (In case you're all interested) I still had no real idea who he was. I just really like the name "Porkins". Heh. Porkins.
R: Is he fat?
D: No, I don't think so, he just looks like a guy. He's got the orange suit and a helmet and little goggles. He didn't really look super fat. (note: the action figure is actually sort of fat, it's hard to see on the cam, but yeah. Tubbo.)
R: So he's Porkins, the lamest character in the movie, and he's not even fat? That was his defining characteristic! He was the fat guy.
D: I don't know, I don't remember him! I don't care!
R: I think it's a different character, and someone's trying to be all cute by saying it's Porkins.
D: Why would they do that? They call him Porkins, it's him! You freak!
R: Can you imagine, you're a little kid and you're playing Star Wars with your friends, and they're picking roles. "You're Porkins." That means you are a loser.
D: You know, I almost could possibly not give less of a shit about Star Wars.
R: They should make action figures of everyone, then. You could be the cool kid who has the old man, the Governor guy. (note: I looked it up, that was Grand Moff Tarkin, whhich sounds dirty. "What a grand moff you have!")
R: Or the old guy at the end, with the pointer who tells them all how to blow up the Death Star? He's a cooler action figure than Porkins.
D: I don't even know who you're talking about.
R: Or that one Jawa who's not a midget, the tall one? Or the bartender at the cantina? He'd be an action figure of a fat guy with a dirty rag. They'd be just as cool as Porkins. That wasn't Porkins, it was just some generic pilot. They're just calling him Porkins.
D: IT'S PORKINS!
R: It's a bogus Porkins. Maybe it's the guy who played Luke's pilot friend, the one whose scenes got cut out until the re-release. That guy, he's been telling his friends for twenty years "No, I was! I was in Star wars! They cut all my scenes!" He's the night manager at Subway somewhere, and he's a better action figure than Porkins!
D: Do you want me to call Nick when I get back to my office and ask him if that's really Porkins, or just some faux Porkins? Though, I just can't imagine a bunch of guys being all "Okay, this guy is Porkins!" if he wasn't Porkins. Why would they do that?
R: Does he still have the box? Does it say Porkins on it?
D: I'll ask him!
R: Well, how can it be Porkins if he's not even fat? That was the whole reason he was in the movie, because all those guys looked exactly the same in their helmets. They had to change them up so you'd feel bad when they got blown up. Luke's friend, the Subway manager? He had a big bushy moustache. And Porkins? The fat guy!
D: Why would they arbitrarily get a Star Trek--I mean Wars--action figure, and assign him "Porkins" if in fact he was NOT Porkins? Don't you think they'd choose someone better?? Someone that people have actually HEARD of.
R: That way when he gets killed, you say, 'Oh man, the fat guy died!" It's a trick, they make him the fat guy so you'll give a shit about him. Even his name says he's the fat guy. When your parents name you Porkins, you're fucked, that's it. "Let's call him Porkins. I sure hope he doesn't grow up to be a fat guy."
D: Oh, hey! Not to change the subject away from Porkins, but see him? That guy? I can't ever see him and not think "Herb Tarlick". Doesn't he look like Herb Tarlick? (note: Dana actually works for him.)
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