March 12
What the fuck? Every time I take a picture, I look all normal and healthy. When it goes from the magical world of Photoshop to the magical world of my webpage, somewhere therein it all goes green. Why? Color saturation, you are my enemy!
Okay, Dana. It's all nice and good that you tell delightful stories about your grandparents, but what's going on with you? Your page seems to be about everything else BUT you. What gives?
See, here's the thing. I consider myself to be a pretty normal, well adjusted person. I am usually of the belief that Shit Will Happen, and I that I am merely Fate's Bitch, so you know, we're all just going along for the ride. Sometimes, though, or somewhere, I slipped. I went from being Fate's Bitch with a vengeance, to just being kind of here. And not really so much here. How can I explain it? I went from that normal, happy person to a zombie, you know? I will spare you the details here, because there is nothing as boring as hearing about someone in the midst of what might be classified as an early midlife crisis, or an existential dilemma.
So, I clammed up. I stopped writing about stuff. I stopped thinking about stuff. I just kind of stopped. I put it on cruise control.
So, what are you saying?
I am saying that I gave up. I just stopped giving a shit. About the page. About me. About what happened to anything.
And now, you're all better and cool and things matter and are important and you're going to update every single day, right?
No, that's not exactly the case. I am sorry that I've been neglectful of writing, and I will make a concerted effort to have some more to say. I am trying to get to the bottom of what happened in me and when and where and why. I am often self-reflective to the point of strangeness. What's gotten me tripped up is that I feel as though I took my hands off the wheel, you know? That for a long, long time, I was steering and going along and happy and in control of my destiny and my outcome and then suddenly, without any kind of warning, I came unhinged, and with the unhinging came this feeling of spinning out of control. I am working on it. I'm trying. I've called a Doctor {a therapist, not like a podiatrist, for you who aren't too Quick on the Uptake}, and though we're still in the phone tag stage, I'm hopeful that it will work out in the end. Until such point that I am rejuvenated and full of vim and vigor, I will continue along as I am. Again, what's more boring than hearing about someone who's got what amounts to nothing more than a big case of Stuff on the Mind?
[deletia!]
What?? Why isn't your hair purple??
Because I got sick of it being 12 different colors. The roots were all skanky and dark, the front was all lilac, the sides were a freaky orange. I felt like a retarded parrot.
What happened with the person across the street?
Okay, so it turned out to be a woman they hauled off, not a man. Over the next few days, I noticed the block just filled up. Kids, cars, adults, fur coats. I began to get the sneaking suspicion that things did not go well that night. Thanks to my nosy next door neighbor (who knows everything about everyone) appearing in my driveway and giving me the rundown, I found out that she was, in fact, a she, and that she'd died. Cancer. She was 58. She also told me their name: Adams, and that the couple directly across the street from us had another baby. My reaction? "She was PREGNANT?? Goddamn winter!"
Wait, let's talk about your mental health again. You seemed to skid right over that.
There is not much to tell. Things are complicated and messy and I am coasting along, trying to muster up the energy to get out of bed in the morning. That's it entirely. I am trying to find my why. If you have found yours, hold onto it, it's fleeting. I thought that a lot of my problems stemmed from Tina, and that had me tangled up inside for a long time. I am beginning to realize, slowly but surely that I may have assigned her an extremely important role only because she was here, then she wasn't, and that scared me. If it happened to her, why not me? Why not Nick? Why not anyone? I also know that that's life. Things change. People change. I'm hip with it. I'm trying to keep up.
Enough of this self-realizing bullshit. How was the casino?
Why, it was great, actually. After the ride up there, which, by the way, was weather perfect and yet we rode in my truck, we walked around for what seemed like hours. Foxwoods is huge. The people are fucking naaasstty. I said to my grandmother: "Have you noticed that the people here have either a really ugly face or a really ugly body?" she snorted and replied "Some of these people barely have either..Look at that one, does she even have legs?" All day we walked around, me trying to keep Angelo from getting too lost or confused: "Double down? What do I do??" "NO!! HIT NO!! Don't DO IT!!"
Foxwoods is a collection of folk, to be sure. It's like being at the mall, but imagine a smoky, white trash jamboree of a mall, with booze and fat senior citizens in electric scooters, pissing away their social security checks. Imagine a gaggle of toothless mountain people spending their government farm money cackling and slurping down free drinks and pinching the harried casino worker chicks as they go by.
Driving home, we passed a mess of stopped cars: someone had hit a dog. I don't think it was dead, probably just confused and fucked up.
Is it true you killed someone over the weekend?
Whereas it is likely that I will probably kill someone in my lifetime, the murder did not take place this weekend. This is certainly not to say that next weekend won't be when it happens, in fact, I encourage it. Want me to kill? Give me a reason! Go on, fucky! I dare you. I'm ready.
Yer pretty! Show me yr boobs!
Uh...no. But thanks!
I hear you can dish it out, but you can't take it. That's typical of someone with an ego as huge as yours! I'll bet you hate southerners.
First of all, this is not a question, it is a comment and moreover it's a ridiculous one. I can both dish it out as well as take it. Duh. And as for Southerners, I do not hate you, mostly. It's got nothing to do with location, it's all about attitude.
The Cure or The Smiths?
Funny you should ask. I've been downloading Cure songs like a motherfucker off Napster. I always thought that if it came right down to it, I'd pick the Smiths, but I am not too sure. I think I'd have to go with the Cure. That's this week. If you ask me again next week or a month from now, I might have a different story to tell. I prefer Robert Smith's hair to Moz, so yeah. The Cure.
Is Napster stealing?
No. It's not. I don't can't get into that kind of thinking. If an artist put out cds with more than one okay song, I'd buy it. If I love the band, I'll both download it AND buy it, but for me to open up a vein in sorrow for it? To make me feel guilty about downloading the ONE not shitty song? Pah. If Napster goes, there will be a million other things just like it to take it's place. Shit, if it goes, I'll make the next one. You heard it here first, kids, the next Napster: Fettster.
What do you want to do with your life?
No idea. None. If I had even the slightest inkling or indication, you'd all be the first to know.
So, you're saying that you want to stay in the job you're in until you die?
[deletia]
You're lazy!
Okay, yes. This is a truth. I am lazy, and I am still too unsure of what I want to do to make a big bold quitting motion. If I quit, then I need to decide what I want to do with my life, and I just haven't gotten that far. Why does it matter? Why do I have to pick right now? Man. You people. I'm allright for now. Not forever. Do you want to be my Benefactor? Let me know. I'm fun, and I can spend money like nobody's business.
Didn't you want to teach?
Yes, years ago. I don't know when I realized that I didn't want to anymore. I don't know what made me not want it. I have no idea. Sorry, Im not too helpful. Teaching doesn't appeal to me. Summers off definitely do, though. Ideally, the job I want is counting the waves and tossing beercaps into my straw hat. Unfortunately, the market is saturated with people holding precisely my desire and qualifications. Man, that sucks. I'd be really good at it.
Confess! In 1994, you bought the MillaJovovich tape!
It's true. I did. I loved it, and listened to it so much i actually wore the fucker out. I recently downloaded it on Napster, and still like it as much as I used to. Granted, some of the songs are horrible, but all things considered, I'm not complaining. Go, Milla, go on with your modeling/acting/singing little self. Jealous much?
And it's been how long since you last smoked a cigarette?
It's been 2 years some odd months. Do I miss smoking? Yes. Do I think I will stay nonsmoking forever? I don't know. I'd never swear to that, you know? Right now, being in a place where there are a bunch of smokers is enough to put me off (see above, about the casino). When I'm feeling super high stressed, or when it's nice out (not that this has been a problem in like 5 months) I want to smoke. Never enough to do it. For now.
How is your grandmother feeling?
Tired. Achy. Bored. Petulant. Cranky. Alive.
Anything else you'd like to tell us?
Um. Not really. I would like someone to come swooping down and say "Dana, this is what you want, this is what you should do to get it!" and push me in the right direction and hold my hand and pet my head. Also, I would like for my life to be filled with little bunnies and chickies and soft, beautiful things to pet pet pet constantly, but that is not feasible.
Wait, what you're saying is that you want a job, but you don't want to look for one because you do not know what you want to do so you want someone to tell you what you're good at and give you a job exactly suited to you?
Yes. What? Is there a problem with that?
Aren't you also the person who thinks that Steve Martin is your secret boyfriend?
Shut UP, he is. Don't go blabbing about it, he's very very shy, you will scare him.
You know you're a freak, right?
Fuck off! I am not!
Uh...yeah, you are.
That's not a question. I don't have to answer.
Typical freak thing to say.
What the fuck? I'm not a freak. Oh, wait. Yeah, I kind of am. Sorry about that.
the other day | home | email | soon hereafter
Say goodbye on a night like this
If it's the last thing we ever do
You never looked as lost as this
Sometimes it doesn't even look like you
It goes dark
It goes darker still
Please stay
But I watch you like I'm made of stone
As you walk awayI'm coming to find you if it takes me all night
A witch hunt for another girl
For always and ever is always for you
Your trust
The most gorgeously stupid thing I ever cut in the worldSay hello on a day like today
Say it everytime you move
The way that you look at me now
Makes me wish I was you
It goes deep
It goes deeper still
This touch
And the smile and the shake of your headI'm coming to find you if it takes me all night
Can't stand here like this anymore
For always and ever is always for you
I want it to be perfect
Like before
I want to change it all