March 29

I can't think of a way to pretty this up, so I'm just going to come right out and say it: last night, after work I rented my first porno. As with the reason for most of my unlikely scenarios, the porn rental happened partially because of Nicole. You see, we'd gotten to talking about the (former?) female WWF wrestler, Chyna (China?) and I mentioned that I'd seen photographs of her most precious of jewels (note: not her WWF belt) and that she had a little something...well...extra. Something that most women do not have. Of course, I am talking about a little tiny wiener, nestled among her...love petals.

When I shared my new information (She TOTALLY has a little floppy dick down there!!!), I was met with skepticism. Oh, I was mocked and dismissed. To make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me and to see the teeny weenie in action, I searched around on the net for more photographic proof, and that's when I found out that there was a movie. A MOVIE. A PORNO MOVIE. A Night in China. Uh huh. Not being the kind of person who wants to go from having ZERO porn in my life to running out and renting it immediately, I decided to see if I could download part of the video (okay, I admit it, I downloaded the Paris Hilton video, too. Could that girl be any freakier? Seriously. One of her eyes is permanently fixed to the outer edge of the room, which I find even more horrifying than her need for constant attention) just to see whether not I could see...well...IT. Her Man Handle.

Please imagine, if you will, me sitting alone in my house one Friday night, in front of my computer, wide eyed at the festival of horrors. We've all seen Paris Hilton naked. I mean, to be alive is to have seen Paris naked, but never have I considered her ("Ewww, it TASTES FUNNY!! Ow, stop it!! Ohh, baby! YES YES YES!!!*ring* --Hello? Oh, hey bitch! What's up? Me? Oh, nothing! GOD, I'm soooo BORED*) having antiseptic, passionless sex, let alone consider it all in night-vision green, like I was staking her ferrety ass out from a van across the street. After Paris was over (those 20 minutes would have better spent enjoying a colonic or picking at my cuticles), I decided that it was time to watch Chyna, and pressed play. Folks, the 3 or so minutes were perhaps the worst porn I have ever seen (I mean, not that I'm some porn hound or something, but I've definitely watched a few), and not because of the subject (which admittedly was pretty horrifying), but from a visual standpoint. A full 30 seconds was shot from behind the guy (Sean, which I didn't know at the time) while he was, you know. DOWN THERE. On her. Okay, he was eating her out. I'll move on.

The next day, I shared what I'd seen with Nicole and we decided that the only thing left for us to do was to have a double feature porn night with A Night in Chyna/A Night in Paris. Time passed and we both sort of forgot about it until yesterday when we wanted to do something after work, but couldn't decide what exactly to do. We ruled out the casino because I am broke until payday. We'd just been to the mall this weekend. Then, we remembered. PORN!!!!!

It was decided that I would be the one to rent it. So I spent the morning visualizing myself waltzing into Tommy K's, past the popular movies, past the old romantic comedies and into the PORN ROOM. With the STAY AT HOME PORN PERVS. I imagined myself moving boxes to see if the movie was in. I decided to call and ask instead. Thus, saving myself a potentially unnecessary trip to the PORN ROOM if in fact the movie wasn't in or they didn't carry it. I waited until my office was pretty empty and did the deed. They had it. She took my name (it only occurred to me afterwards that I should have given a fake name, like I was going to pick up drugs or illegally imported babies or something), asked whether I wanted it on DVD or tape and told me it would be waiting for me.  As I hung  up, I remembered that I'd forgotten  to ask about One Night in Paris, but decided that two porns might be overwhelming, and I could't bear to call back and ask her to pull another film.

After work, I went home and dealt with the dogs and killed some time watching the news, I was ready. To get THE PORN. On staff that night at the video store? All guys. The people shopping at the video store? All moms with toddlers and up, who'd surely shriek and point at me and clap their hands over little Fifi's ears if they learned that I was renting a PORNO. I walk confidently up to the counter and tell the guy that a movie is being held for me, thinking I'd totally get away with not having to say exactly what it was they were holding. "Your name?" I tell him. He looks through the movies on hold. He looks again. He keeps looking and looking. Nothing. He comes back to the counter.  "What's the title of the movie being held?" "anightinchina" "Huh? What movie?"  "A NIGHT IN CHINA. IT IS A PORNO. YOU KNOW, WITH THE WRESTLER. CHYNA."

He moves his search to the computer and returns to the rack, and finally he finds it. I fully expected the case to be bright red or traffic cone orange or something. It's not. He takes my ID and starts ringing me up, and I try and joke with him. "Not that you're judging me, of course, but I am renting this because I've heard she has a WEINER!!! Hah, hah! A wiener, can you IMAGINE". If he could have gotten away without replying, he would have, but he must have sensed that I would have continued to jabber at him until I got a response (which I did anyhow, because I'm me). He hands me the box, dirty deal is done.

I walk to my car whispering furiously to myself ("I have a PORNO!!! I have a porno!! I HAVE a porno!! I have A porno!!! In my hand!!! Ooh, i have a porno IN MY CAR!! I am DRIVING with a porno sitting on my passenger seat!!!!") and drive off. I keep looking at the box (which is completely unremarkable looking except for the "XXX ADULTS ONLY!!!!!!" sticker like it's going to burst into flames or something and at a red light, I open it. I was prepared for the grainy, low budget photograph of Chyna in what could only be Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie, but was NOT EVEN A LITTLE READY for the photo on the bonus disc, which was a photograph of two smiling women with their titties all smashed together, Booya! Titties IN MY FACE!!!

So, I'm driving along amusing myself with the thought of (and truly, I may be the only one who amuses herself this way) me ending up in a fatal car crash and a loved one (in my scenario, it's my grandmother) having to sort through the crap they manage to get out of my car. Everything is normal, my purse, some aborted knitting project, two lawn gnomes (what, like you don't have lawn gnomes in your car? Liar.) and she finds a video box. "Ooh, this is Dana's last rented film. What could it be?" Opens it, and whammo, the entire relationship she thought she had with me is changed. All because of some titties in my face and a creepy photo of a half naked wrestler. I am immeasurably cheered by the idea, and compose my tombstone quote, which will be "The Last Thing Dana Did Before She Died Was Rent Bad Pornography!!!!"

At Nicole's house, I put the movie down on her kitchen table. We circle it, giggling and picking it up and decide that we'll watch it after dinner, because eating at the same time as watching porn might not work out (a side note: when we first decided that porn was our plan for the evening, Nicole was like "We'll order some Chinese food!!" It quickly became obvious that we could not eat Chinese while someone might be eating Chyna. We got calzones instead). Eventually, we pop it in and settle back.

Now, I have seen more than a few dicks in my day and so has Nicole, but we were like two 10 year olds while the movie was playing, but the reason for the season was to see, once and for all, whether or not Chyna has a penis, and my friends, I am here to give you answers. Yes. She really sort of does. There's some action going on down there that most women (as far as I know) don't have. Like, when I am on all fours, I'm confident that the only thing dangling other than my boobs is my flab. No cracker jack surprise in the box. We watched Chyna and her stubbly pie with her oily looking boyfriend do it all over a hotel room. We screamed with delight every time the video camera cord ended up draped delicately across her man-thighs. We shuddered with horror when she lifted her dirty foot from the dirty bathroom floor and rubbed him with it. It was very, very wrong.

As was all the BONUS porn we got to watch. I'm not even going to go into what we saw ("Me So Horny, V. 3", "Black Dicks, White Chicks v. 5" just to name two) and how one woman's asshole was stretched out so much, she could have served an orange out of it. The bottom line is that I've rented my very first porno movie, and I'm happy to report that the name on the account at the video store is Nick's, not mine. Ha!

the other day - home - email - soon