October 3 (note: technically, I am writing this on the 2nd, but I probably won't update tomorrow, and it's the end of the work day, so cut me some slack)
I use sort of a shitty program to track my stats, which I don't much check anymore, other than to see my referrals, which always crack me up. I've been keeping a list for about two months, and I thought you'd like to see how people find me:
1.) bells of st. clemons
"oranges and lemons say the bells of St. Clemens". Why did I write about this? I have no idea. There you go. Whoever is out there looking for it is spelling it the same wrong way that I did. Good for you!
2.) dana i love you
Why, I love you too! Thanks!
3.) life of the fuckers
I like to imagine that there's a family out there named "Fuckers", and that they pronounce it "Fook-airs" and that this person wanted a little biography about them, a little history. Maybe to find out what they're up to these days. Otherwise, I can't even imagine what they might have been looking for.
4.) swim fully clothed
It is true that I am not partial to flouncing about in a swimsuit, because most of my parts are best kept as a secret, I have never gone swimming fully clothed. I mean, shorts and a shirt once, because I didn't have a bathingsuit with me, but fully clothed? Only if I was drowning, and then I wouldn't actually be swimming, I'd be drowning.
5.) "bowling green" & subway
I guess I lived in NY long enough to have the subway lines burned into my brain. Until, of course, they changed them all. I remember that the bowling green subway station was not even remotely green, which makes it kind of a misnomer, eh? Of note about the bowling green subway station: one of my friends vomited extravagantly all over the ground there. Though, that's the case for a lot of subway stations from about 1985-1995.
6.)they say love is a stream
Do they? I guess I did, at one point or another. Bob Marley said it first, though:
"They say the sun, shines for all/but in some people world, it never shine at all/they say love is a stream, that will find its course/some people thinklife is a dream/so they making matters worse"
7.) baby gangsters
It must be said, I am 100% against babies turning to a life of crime, but just imagine how cute it would be! Tiny little guns! Tiny little fedoras! Little double breasted black suits and white ties! Awww! Cute!! And who'd ever suspect a baby? No one! NO ONE suspects the baby! A perfect crime!
8.) www.gangsters.com
Seems that if you've already figured out the URL, it's unnecessary to hit my page, eh?
9.) "hot pink" thug
Don't know how scary a hot pink thug would be. Why did the thug turn hot pink? Are they easily embarrassed? Are they at a Bennigans and did someone pretend that it was their birthday and is the whole wait staff are gathered around, singing to them and clapping or something? Because that's really embarrassing.
10.)"snow globe" cities
I get a lot of hits looking for snow globes. See #s 18 and 19. I'm saddened that there's no one out there looking for the New Haven snow globe. I suspect it would be too popular an item, and there'd be no way for the demand to ever be met. Poor people, you'll have to stick with street vendor snow globes, from cities people give a shit about. I always thought I'd like to collect snow globes, but I've only got two, and they're both from a place with no actual skyline, unless you count a lighthouse.
11.) monkey sex web cam
Who is looking for this, and why? Was it some zoo perv, hoping to catch a little on cam gorilla lovin'?
12.) "mon flower"
For about 2 weeks, I had hits from people searching for all variations of "mon" and "mons". Why? I have no idea. I do not believe I have even used the word in conversation, let alone working it into an entry.
13.) "I love bob marley"
Wait, wait. I thought they loved Dana. That's not right. Fickle fuckers.
14.) filene's shoulder bags
I bought a shoulder bag at Filene's on the same day that I bought a interview suit (note: clearly, I didn't get the job). I am not ashamed to admit that the bag cost more than the suit, and that I've carried it exactly twice. I am not a shoulder bag kind of gal, though, it's damn cool. I always feel like a giant dork with a pocketbook. I don't even like that word. POCKETBOOK. Dur.
15.) how to be a thug
Damn right I'm a thug, and the way I did it is really none of your concern, see? Stay the fuck up out my bid-ness. Cause it's mine all mine.
16.) how to make jeans tighter
Eat a lot. It's working for me. I bet it'll work for you, too. Good luck!
17.) thug left
Woah, parter! Where did he go? He was here not a minute ago. I love all these people looking for gangster and thug related stuff and winding up at my page where I weep about my aging grandparents and run away from snakes.
18.) skyline snow globes
See #10
19.) twin towers snow globes
I wish I'd bought the one I came across in Boston. I think that's why I get all of these snow globe hits. I'm sorry I don't really know where to tell anyone to go get one.
20.) raaar
And RAAAAR to you, too! Turdmonster seems to be away on business these days. He's plotting a comeback, in case you were worried.
21.) "hot hot pink manic panic"
Manic panic and I have been together for a long, long time. Sometimes sucessfully, sometimes not at all. Always, though, my scalp and fingernails are dyed an interesting color. I advise you to slather up with vaseline first, and bleach out your hair as light as it'll go for a really true color. Be warned, though: Manic panic fades in about 15 minutes, and you're always left with a sad, sad pastel head.
22.) +"johnny shutup"
Johnny Shutup is my tortoise. He's bigger now than he was then, but not by much. He is a source of near constant amusement to me, because he pounces on food like he's never eaten in his life, and once one of my dogs tried to bite his shell. Why was someone looking on google for Johnny Shutup? I can not imagine.
23.) what to say to the one i love
How about saying I love you? There's also: let's fuck, god you're sexy, of course I wasn't checking her out dont be silly, those pants would look much better on my floor, or, uh...uh...."hey, baby!"
24.) touch my monkey
Go on, touch it. But ask first, you don't want to get bitten.
25.) I don't pop my cork for every guy I see
Which is definitely true. My cork doesn't pop very often. I'm getting old.
26.) all about dana
Clearly, it IS all about Dana, seeing as how it's my site. Was someone trying to learn all about me? Are they telling me I need to put up a new bio page? (No shit, it's been like a year and a half and I've got no bio page up. Like I'm so famous that I need no introduction. What a jerk I can be. Heh.)
27.) confused about love
I am delighted and honored that people are turning to me with their love problems, because clearly, I am the master. I only wish that the confused soul had sent me some email with a really specific question. I might have been able to help.
28.) mexican gangsters
Heh, heh. Almost as not scary as baby gangsters are MEXICAN gangsters! Ole!
29.) "proud to be american" +stupid
Does the one thing go hand in hand with the other thing? I'd like to think not, but sometimes I wonder.
30.) "I love you, oh yes I do"
I know. I KNOW. And I love you right back. You're so sexy, and that shirt looks really nice on you, it flatters your skin tone. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Did you lose weight or something? You look GOOD.
31.) My childhood as a catholic and the gulf war
By FAR, this is the strangest one on the list. I can not even fathom what being a catholic has to do with the gulf war. My family ARE catholic, so I guess I DID have a catholic childhood, and my gulf war story is really pretty stupid: the night that it broke out, I was shitty drunk on Southen Comfort, and punched through a window, accidentally. It was ALSO the day before I had to register for the new semester, and, because I'm too stupid to live, I punched through the window with my LEFT hand. I was so badly cut, I thought I was going to bleed to death on my at the time boyfriends dirty living room floor. Sadly, he was not around, and I was left to stagger around Brooklyn at night, trying to find a friend with a bandage. I finally found a friend, but all she had was masking tape. A poor substitute. The next day, I had to write and sign my name and I was in a ton of pain and STILL DRUNK, because how do you sleep when you've cut open your knuckle all the way to the bone? That's right. You can't. I guess I should have learned to throw a punch righty. Live and learn.
32.) banana monkey vodka
Is this vodka made from bananas or made from monkeys? I'll pass, either way.
That's it! Hope my answers helped.