December 27

 

It's really too bad we aren't allowed to choose the photo we get to use on our drivers license, because I had mine renewed today. I showed it to Nick and he said: "What happened to your FACE?" Sweet! Close up, I look pretty normal. From far away? I look mostly not right in the head.

 

So, happy holidays and Merry Christmas or whatever strikes your fancy! I think I'd mentioned that as my Christmas gift for my Grandmother, I paid for a night at a casino and facials at the fancy ass spa there. She knew about the casino, but the spa business was a total surprise, so when we got there and checked in, I kept trying to nudge her to hurry up because we were like T minus 5 minutes before our appointments and people at spas get VERY SNIPPY when you're late. Herein is my mostly accurate (because lying makes the baby jesus cry, particularly around his birthday) reproduction of our conversation:

Me: Come on, let mom bring the stuff up the room. We have appointments!
Gramma: We do? With what, other than a slot machine??
Me: We have SPA appointments!!
Gramma: WHAT? WHY?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: BECAUSE IT WILL BE FUN AND RELAXING!!
(walking to elevator)
Gramma: I HOPE YOU DIDN’T GET US MASSAGES!
Me: I didn't’t get us MASSAGES, calm down!!
Gramma: MEH!!!!
(walking into extremely fancy ass spa)
Me: Come on! This is going to be good!!
Gramma: I DON’T WANT A MASSAGE!!! MEHHHHH!!!!
Me: I DIDN’T GET US MASSAGES, SETTLE DOWN, GRUMPY!!!
Gramma: WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!
Me: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SO TENSE? (to guy at counter) We’re checking in, we have appointments for facials at 1:00.
Gramma: A FACIAL!??? BUT THEY’LL MESS UP MY HAIR AND TAKE OFF MY MAKEUP!!
Me: YOU AREN’T WEARING ANY MAKEUP!!
Gramma: THAT IS TOTALLY BESIDES THE POINT!!
Me: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING, SO RELAX, you FREAK!!
Gramma: AHH, THIS IS MAKING ME VERY TENSE!!

We’re escorted into a room where a very cheerful girl hands us each a questionnaire and me a key to a locker. She explains that we’re to change into the robes in the lockers and gives us shoes. She tells us to strip down--

Gramma: MEH!!! MEH!!! I AM NOT TAKING MY PANTS OFF!!!! I HAVE PANTY HOSE ON!!!!!!

--or just to leave our pants on and take off our shirts. We trudge into the locker room.

Gramma: WITH EACH PASSING MOMENT I AM MORE TENSE!!!
Me: Oh, CALM DOWN. It’ll be over BEFORE YOU KNOW IT!!! Jesus! You are VERY HIGH STRUNG!!!
Gramma: I am NOT high strung!!! MEH!!!!

We change into our spa gear and go off to a dimly lit waiting area. I sit her down in a chair and ask her if she wants a drink. As I’m pouring her a cup of decaf, a woman peeks her head in and says “Eleanor?”

Gramma: ........

“Eleanor?”

Gramma:........

Me: IS YOUR NAME NOT ELEANOR? What’s your PROBLEM?
Gramma: THERE COULD BE ANOTHER ELEANOR HERE, YOU KNOW!!!
Me: Are you on CRACK? There are 3 other people in this room besides us! What are the odds that THERE ARE TWO ELEANORS?!?! We’re at a casino, I’ll bet you there IS NO OTHER ELEANOR ON THIS ENTIRE FLOOR and I BET I WOULD WIN THAT BET!
Gramma: (shuffling off with the spa woman) Oh, SHUT UP.

 

I'd signed us each up for a different kind of facial--hers was something about age reduction and mine was, well, it was nothing because when I called to make the appointment I was kind of like "surprise me!" and I have to say that I was a little surprised to find a total stranger, this precious blonde thing zeroing in on my face to SQUEEZE OUT MY BLACKHEADS. Blackheads are sort of a private fun thing for me. I enjoy squeezing them myself in the privacy of my own bathroom and this chick squeezed my face in places I KNOW THERE WERE NO BLACKHEADS. However, since she was also rubbing my face and neck and squirting nice smelling stuff on me, I wasn't going to complain. The hour passed without any tragedy and she lead me back to the waiting room after handing me a tiny little tube of cream ("Your face may be a little...RED...after this treatment") and a list of the (I shit you nay) TEN PRODUCTS she'd used on my face. I'm guessing that the full balls out treatment was in direct response to the following conversation we had before the facial began:

Spa Girl: So, tell me a little bit about your facial cleansing regime!

Me: Well, I wash my face in the shower. Sometimes. When I remember. Not always.

 

Eleanor was waiting for me in the waiting room looking a hell of a lot less stressed than when she'd been lead off.

Me: Have you settled down? Was it as horrible as you thought??
Gramma: Nooo! It was very nice!!!
Me: You reacted like I was having you taken to the chair or something!
Gramma: I DID NOT.
Me: What?? WHAT??
Gramma: I was perfectly calm the whole time.
Me: I HAVE WITNESSES!!!
Gramma: So...do people actually SIT AROUND in those hot tubs?
Me: Yes they do and don’t change the subject! You LOVED the facial, didn’t you?? DIDN’T YOU!?!!
Gramma: It was VERY nice. Relaxing!
Me: You are a VERY ANNOYING PERSON.
Gramma: Can we go gamble now?
Me: Ugh. You’re too much.
Gramma: SLOT MACHINES HERE I COME!!!

 

The rest of the holiday was fun and uneventful and as I write this, I'm waiting for my New Chair to be delivered. They were supposed to be here between 1:30 and 4:30 and we're creeping up on 5:30 and I can't go sit downstairs until it gets here because I've already taken the old chair* out onto the porch. To pass time, I've been playing SIMS and in the 40 or so minutes since I created my family (Sam and Suzanne Saucy), there's already been a fire and I locked two people in the bathroom because really, why do the neighbors just WALK INTO THE HOUSE and start eating food and complaining about shit?! I thought locking them away might teach them a lesson. It did, they left.

*This chair predates my marriage and as such, I have no idea where it came from or why it ended up in my livingroom. It is VILE. I believe it is stuffed with asbestos and glass shards and to round the whole look off, when Grayson was teething, she chewed off most of the fabric on one of the arms. It's pretty.

 

That's about it. I'm on break this week and my birthday is Saturday, so feel free to begin sending me greetings, gifts and good wishes RIGHT NOW.

 

 

the other day - home - email - soon